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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Becky2223 How do I cope with my mum's depression and the breakdown of our relationship?
  • replies: 5

I am desperately seeking advice about how to cope with my mum's depression and anxiety and the impact this is having on our relationship. My mum had depression when I was 10 years old and was on a psychiatric ward for 6 months, she seemed better for ... View more

I am desperately seeking advice about how to cope with my mum's depression and anxiety and the impact this is having on our relationship. My mum had depression when I was 10 years old and was on a psychiatric ward for 6 months, she seemed better for about 12 years but 18 months ago seemingly became unwell overnight. She is still in the deep dark hold of depression and I feel that our once close relationship has completely broken down. When she became ill it all came out that she had been having affairs with other men despite still being married to my father. I am struggling with getting over this and forgiving her, but also the total lack of interest she has in me, my life and our relationship. When I talk about my life I feel as thought she is just jealous (which she admits she is), but I have worked really hard to achieve a happy relationship, a good circle of friends and a promising career. All she wants to do is talk about her marriage problems and her ill-health but these conversations are such a strain on my own mental well-being. I really am at my wits end, it is really getting me down. When I try to talk to my dad about it he doesn't listen to me and will interrupt telling me how terrible it is for him as he is her main carer and I live away, but this situation is affecting me deeply and I think about it all the time. I am currently having my own health problems and feel completely unsupported by my parents, yesterday I realised that I am not getting anything positive from my relationship with either of them at the moment. I feel very lonely from the loss of these relationships. Perhaps sound very self-pitying here but I am desperate to improve this situation. I have been having counselling but I still feel very hopeless about the whole thing.

Ang82 Partner has undergone 8 week mental health program and won't come home
  • replies: 1

My partner has a history of social anxiety, we have been together for 15 years and have 2 children together a 2 year old and a 7 month old baby. Last year, his struggles with social anxiety worsened after deciding to go off his medication. The turnin... View more

My partner has a history of social anxiety, we have been together for 15 years and have 2 children together a 2 year old and a 7 month old baby. Last year, his struggles with social anxiety worsened after deciding to go off his medication. The turning point however was in January this year when he went to visit family in NSW with our 2 year old son, all was going well until the day before he was supposed to return home to Tas. He called to say he had a breakdown, panic attacks and would remain in NSW to undertake an 8 week mental health program and live with his parents during that time (our son was flown home to be with me). That's all the information I was able to get from my partner and his parents. His parents have mental health issues themselves and have blamed me for their son's anxiety/depression among other things. I have had no progress updates from anyone on my partner's health progress over this 8 weeks. This 8 weeks has now expired and he would be due to come home, except he isn't coming home, saying that his doctor has deemed him unfit for work. I am still continuing to do all the hard work on the home front with 2 children and my partner won't come home and has suggested our relationship is over but won't give me any idea of this future intentions and timeline for further treatment. He has however, requested to fly down to Tas and take our 2 year old son back with him to NSW. I requested a doctor certificate to state he is fit to care for our 2 year old son, I got a copy of this, but I have not got a certificate to state he is unfit for work, which seems like conflicting information from a GP if it were true. What am I to do? I do not wish for my 2 year old son to be taken away from me in this situation, I want to know why my partner cannot return home and fulfil his responsibility to me and his children and if he needs further treatment why he can't come home and undertake it? What information am I privy to from his doctor(s) about his current mental health state? I am utterly confused and saddened by this outcome and especially in that his family have not encouraged him to come home and be with his family. I have been very supportive of my partner's mental health issues over the years. I am seeking some legal advice next week, however, welcome any comments feedback from this community.

mum_of_young_adult Mum of young adult suffering feom anxiety
  • replies: 6

Hi there, new to the forum.I have suffered with depression for 20 years and just round out my 20 year old daughter is suffering from anxiety and depression.How do i help her.I am at a lossShe is seeking help from headspace but not sure what else i ca... View more

Hi there, new to the forum.I have suffered with depression for 20 years and just round out my 20 year old daughter is suffering from anxiety and depression.How do i help her.I am at a lossShe is seeking help from headspace but not sure what else i can do as im not strong myself.Any tips?Thanks

Michelle25 Helping boyfriend with depression
  • replies: 2

Hi guys. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Recently he and I returned home from a 4 month overseas trip. While away I began to notice severe signs of sadness as well as an un enthusiasm towards meeting and engaging with new p... View more

Hi guys. My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year now. Recently he and I returned home from a 4 month overseas trip. While away I began to notice severe signs of sadness as well as an un enthusiasm towards meeting and engaging with new people and being in social situations. While abroad, I enquired about this kind of behaviour and he opened up, letting me know that he did have severe feelings of sadness and that it was something he had been dealing with for a little while. He also mentioned a few other things which struck me as very worrying. In the spirit of keeping our trip positive I decided to forget about this until we returned home. Having been home for about 2 months I have noticed that he is suffering severely from depression, stress and anxiety. He takes on a lot in his life which I understand is contributing heavily to his stress levels. I have also noticed a huge sense of isolation from him and his friends, he has no interest in being in social situations and when he is cannot engage properly with people. I fear that our relationship is a comfort zone for him, a safe place, that he chooses to confide in. I have asked him to get help numerous times, he is not interested in going to a doctor, despite my efforts to convince him otherwise. I am very worried about our relationship on a few levels, as I feel if it goes on any longer I also will become very unhappy. I know I need to be there for him, and I am trying. I'm afraid to leave him on his own in fear of what his feelings may lead to, yet I don't really like being around him when he is like this. When we first met his attitude was entirely different (or so it seemed) he was very close with his friends, loved having a laugh etc. now I dont really see this, only on occasion and with me only. I have sat him down, lovingly and discussed it with him, and he does open up. I just feel like each time we discuss he spirals further into depression. I am very lost on what I should do next and am starting to stress about the future. Please help x

MrsG At a loss....
  • replies: 2

Hi, my husband suffers with depression and lately I have been at a loss as to what to do. He knows the symptoms and is on medication for it. I have seen him slip for the past year. He doesn't like himself and every chance I get I tell him how loved a... View more

Hi, my husband suffers with depression and lately I have been at a loss as to what to do. He knows the symptoms and is on medication for it. I have seen him slip for the past year. He doesn't like himself and every chance I get I tell him how loved and appreciated he is I do. Our sex life is practically non existent and I appreciate this is not the end of the world but intimacy is something that is important to me. He has always enjoyed a drink (as have I) but lately it has been to excess and the cause of a few fights. i have tried talking to him before only to be snapped at so I was internalizing my own feelings. Right now I am paying for this as I am feeling lost. It is consuming my thoughts and I feel sick to the pit of my stomache. I had no idea what to do so I let him know I was feeling via text this morning. I needed to get it off my chest without being shut down. I wasn't being critical just assuring him that I was here and that I love him and how important communication is to our marriage. I also told him that I won't be drinking and that I would hope he would consider at the very least cutting down. I also explained the fact that I feel like I am treading on egg shells so that's why I sent my feelings via text. he is at work and has a high pressured job so it is no surprise I haven't heard back. I'm just hoping it opens up the communication lines and doesn't do more harm than good. Has anyone got any other ideas as to how to help? I just want to be a good wife but don't want to become someone's emotional punching bag. I saw this my whole life with my mum and dad and I want differently for myself. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks.

Distressed My ex is now talking about leaving his kids behind
  • replies: 4

My husband has been depressed for over 5 years. He did try anti-depressant a few years ago then stopped as he was in denial of his condition. Two years ago, I left him for 3 months and during that time he slowly talk me into giving him another chance... View more

My husband has been depressed for over 5 years. He did try anti-depressant a few years ago then stopped as he was in denial of his condition. Two years ago, I left him for 3 months and during that time he slowly talk me into giving him another chance. We stayed in the same house at the time . About 10 months ago, it came crashing down again and I told him I could not do it anymore: his general behaviour, his selfishness and his laziness. I am working full time with two children and was holding the family together without his help (or very little of it). He told me if I wanted to leave it was fine with him but I had to move out this time. I am Canadian and have no family here by the way. I took this on board and went to find a place for me and the kids. In the last 10 months we have shared the children custody 50/50. He has started anti-depressant in Nov. last year. He has become obsessive with getting me back, texting me large messages numerous time a day and missing work. He is not listening to me when I ask him to give me some space. He is completely ignoring any of my request to respect my boundaries, constantly trying to touch me and hug me. I have started the “low contact” approach (we have kids so I can’t do no contact) and he is now saying if he cannot have me back he will leave and move away. Saying he can’t be for the children if we are not a family. Also, he keeps saying if I would only take him back he would be fine and would be the best husband/father. It makes me feel his current mental health could be fix if only I could give him another chance. I am borderline drowning myself with the pressure of the separation and grieving of the failure of my 17 years marriage. I don’t think me letting him back in my life will solve the problem. I feel he needs help but I have no more energy to be the one doing this for him. He has burned all his relationship with friends as he is so self centered with his own problems that he is ignoring any advice from other, constantly talking about himself. He is admitting his depression has caused our problems but not admitting he is still in it. He wants to move away and stop the medication. Everyone is telling me to let him go. EVERYONE even his mum! I don’t know what to do anymore. If I help him he will think there is hope for us while I don’t believe in it although I still care deeply for him. If I don’t I am afraid he will sink even further.

Punungy How do I support my mother who has depression and has chosen to live 4 hours away?
  • replies: 7

Hello, Im new to this forum and would like to get some advice on how to support and be there for my mother. Our relationship has been strained over the last 10 years and it ended up me not talking to her for a while. My mother has had depression for ... View more

Hello, Im new to this forum and would like to get some advice on how to support and be there for my mother. Our relationship has been strained over the last 10 years and it ended up me not talking to her for a while. My mother has had depression for as long as I remember and I never knew how to support her, especially as a child. I knew she had depression but she got me very angry when she would not see how I wanted to be there for her. She would attack me emotionally and she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most (wedding, throughout my pregnancy and now that Ive become a mother myself). She shut me out of her life and I shut her out of mine because I needed to protect myself from getting hurt over and over again. I was an emotional wreck when I was in contact with her and this affected my relationship with my husband to be at the time. When I cut off all contact with her I felt free, happier and able to move forward with my life more confidently. Is this a selfish thing to say? I am now happily married and have a 2 yr old son. Ever since meeting my husband my mother has never shown any happiness for my situation. My mother thinks that because she had a miserable life then I dont have the right to be happy. She has made many comments that have made me think this. Is this normal for a mother who is depressed to think like this? My mother recently contacted me and asked for my forgiveness. In this phone call she said that she is taking medication to help her liver (she was unclear), she has a cyst or something on top of her bladder and a disease on her spine. She has always had back problems and complained about tiredness, sleep apnea and pain. For as long as I could remember my mother was never social (her sisters and brothers) and she could never form friendships. She has always told me growing up that she had a horrible childhood, terrribe marriage with my father (they have been divorced for nearly 8 years) her relationship with my older brother and sister is on and off and she has isolated herself by living 4 hours away from her children and her sisters and brothers. She said she has come off her medication for depression and is now on a benzodiazepine medication. What does this mean? I want to try to help my mother again but how do I do this when she lives 4 hours away? Is it possible? and how do I prevent myself from becoming an emotional wreck or hurt? I need to be strong for my husband and son. I want to protect myself from anything negative. Growing up was negative enough for me with a depressed mother and parents who fought constantly. I dont want to repeat what my mother has become for the sake of my husband and son. Thanks for reading my post.

ksailorgirl I'd like some help to support a friend please
  • replies: 1

Hi, I can't find anything meaningful on line to help me support a guy I've adored for 18 months, knowing full well what I was getiing into. He hasn't told his family and he's alone. I know he is in what we call "hell" right now and nothing I think we... View more

Hi, I can't find anything meaningful on line to help me support a guy I've adored for 18 months, knowing full well what I was getiing into. He hasn't told his family and he's alone. I know he is in what we call "hell" right now and nothing I think we can do to support him really helps. What do I do? I've told him I'm there for him. It is not acceptable to me to walk away when he's suffering. I dont want to betray his trust and tell his family. His doctor has told him to leave me. I dont think she actually knows anything about him because this is breaking his heart too. Why can't we de-engineer this and not have him and me coping alone? Right now I'm floundering and we are both suffering. Him alone and me trying to get some functional advice. I miss him, he's wonderful. Things need to change after him suffering for 15+ years. How does a lover/supporter help break the cycle? Thank you, Karen

Jammud Is my husband depressed?
  • replies: 6

We have a 15-month old daughter (conceived after years of IVF), and both my husband and I have really struggled with new parenthood since her birth. My own feelings, I think have been pretty normal as a new mum with feeding issues - anxiety, overwhel... View more

We have a 15-month old daughter (conceived after years of IVF), and both my husband and I have really struggled with new parenthood since her birth. My own feelings, I think have been pretty normal as a new mum with feeding issues - anxiety, overwhelmed and very teary for the first six months. But my husband (who isn't really the most optimistic or patient person) has found life very hard, although I don't think he is aware of how much his overall demeanor and moods have an affect on me. Emotionally he has been absent, at a time when I really needed him to be supporting me. While he admits to being "too old, too selfish" and blames that for his slow adjustment to fatherhood, he claims to not be depressed. He gets very stressed when our daughter cries and gets frustrated with the demands of looking after her. I feel like the burden of her care is on me most of the time. I could handle the daily grind with a toddler much better if my husband was in a better place and we could share the load and try to enjoy life a bit more. But I think he is depressed. He has no energy, is always in a bad mood, rarely smiles or laughs and doesn't seem to find joy in any activities any more. At my suggestion he has seen our GP who discussed a few options with him, none of which he has pursued. What more can I do? I feel so emotionally exhausted, and I am unhappy being with someone who is so unhappy. It is dragging me down. I can't keep being "Happy" for all of us. Is this normal? Should I insist on him going back to our GP? Am I over reacting?

handsfull How do I help someone who cant seem to even try to help themselves?
  • replies: 14

Hi... its my first time here and I am at a complete loss as to what to do next with my sister... I have tried various things to help her for years which have helped on the short term but then she has just sunk deeper into her depression... Various re... View more

Hi... its my first time here and I am at a complete loss as to what to do next with my sister... I have tried various things to help her for years which have helped on the short term but then she has just sunk deeper into her depression... Various reasons and causes for her depression as there usually is - and as much as she says everything she knows we want to hear, it has recently come to light how bad her depression is and she has willingly and gladly allowed her 3 children to have come to stay with me so that she could have some time to deal with things and get some proper professional help so she could start healing properly... Now as much as I am well aware this will take time, it has now already been nearly 3 months that I have had the children with me and my own 2 kids, (I have moved them schools and started counselling etc) and yet the only thing she has done is get referrals. She has missed every appoinment, taken herself off her meds, and told me that she doesnt think she is the best thing for her kids - to which I am adamant she is absolutely is, once she is happy and healthy and functioning again... She has talked about just up and disappearing without a word, as well as more serious worries... she needs help... but everywhere I turn I am told she has to seek help for herself - but she obviously cant bring herself to do that... she has spent sooooo many years hiding how damaged and broken she is, she cant bring herself to admit it to anyone... she can say the words she thinks I want to hear... but they are empty and very quickly followed by random irrational excuses that she feels justify everything... If it is a severe case of depression that is the root of everything then surely there is some way to help her?? I think she needs a live in hostel/refuge/rehab type situation to kickstart her lifestyle and routines etc... she needs someone to answer to (that is the only time she feels safe and secure because she knows what is expected of her etc)... left to her own devices she is just behaving like a 15yr old who switches off when you say anything that doesnt suit her or sticks her headphones in her ears so she can forget the rest of the world exists... it is like a big regression that has slowly worsened over the past 5 years... ...sigh... anyways... i have my hands full... and i dont know what I can do to help her any more than I already have...