Is my husband depressed?

Jammud · ‎09-03-2015

We have a 15-month old daughter (conceived after years of IVF), and both my husband and I have really struggled with new parenthood since her birth. My own feelings, I think have been pretty normal as a new mum with feeding issues - anxiety, overwhelmed and very teary for the first six months. But my husband (who isn't really the most optimistic or patient person) has found life very hard, although I don't think he is aware of how much his overall demeanor and moods have an affect on me.

Emotionally he has been absent, at a time when I really needed him to be supporting me. While he admits to being "too old, too selfish" and blames that for his slow adjustment to fatherhood, he claims to not be depressed. He gets very stressed when our daughter cries and gets frustrated with the demands of looking after her. I feel like the burden of her care is on me most of the time. I could handle the daily grind with a toddler much better if my husband was in a better place and we could share the load and try to enjoy life a bit more. But I think he is depressed. He has no energy, is always in a bad mood, rarely smiles or laughs and doesn't seem to find joy in any activities any more. At my suggestion he has seen our GP who discussed a few options with him, none of which he has pursued. What more can I do? I feel so emotionally exhausted, and I am unhappy being with someone who is so unhappy. It is dragging me down. I can't keep being "Happy" for all of us. Is this normal? Should I insist on him going back to our GP? Am I over reacting?

Pixie15 · ‎12-03-2015

Hi Jammud,

Welcome to the bb forums. It has been some time since you first posted here and I am hoping that you are still interested in a response.

First up I am wondering if you have had a chance to have a look at some of the resources on the site here. There is a publication for carers titled "The beyondblue guide for carers" which you may find helpful. I have read it and found it to be very useful. It has sections on caring for someone else and caring for yourself. It might help to read this with your partner.

If your partner has seen a doctor and has had a depression test he would know what the results are. Has he shared that information with you? Do you know what the alternatives that the doctor offered and your partner rejected were? If he only had a low score then possibly some lifestyle changes would help. It would help you to know what his reasons were for not pursuing any of the options. If he is depressed he may be having trouble taking the initiative himself.

Also I think that it is possible for men to suffer a type of post natal depression. It is very hard adjusting to a major life change such as having a baby. What other supports do you both have? Do you have family and friends that can help? I can remember it being suggested in a previous thread that it takes a village to raise a child.

If you check out some of the other threads on the site you will see that you are not alone and may find some help from what has been written.

cheers,

Grateful.

geoff · ‎13-03-2015

dear Jammud, welcome to to BB and thanks for posting your comment.

Can I congratulate both of you after years of IVF which must have exhausting in itself.

I agree with Grateful and believe that your husband is suffering from PND and it's not uncommon for this to happen, because once you have a baby your life suddenly changes, gone are the days of sleeping through the night as the baby needs to be fed and change of nappies, so virtually the baby is now number one to look after, so you would love to have as much support as you can get, but this is not happening.

I would suggest that he does go back to his doctor, but there could be a problem here because the doctor will ask him if he has pursued the options that he was given which could amount to many avenues, however another option is for you to click under 'Resources' at the the top of this page and order all the printed material from BB, it's free, but it describes so much on all types of depression which could help him and it might provide information for you as well. L Geoff. x

Jammud · ‎20-03-2015

Thank you for your reply Grateful. I have looked at the bb resources, and talked more with my husband about our problems. He is finding it difficult to articulate what the underlying problems are, and has asked for more time to think about it before we talk again. I am happy to give him more time, but if we are unable to sort out issues ourselves, I would like to see a counsellor so that we have a framework to try and address these things. He is very reluctant to open up at the moment so I will just have to be patient and provide a safe place for him to talk when he is ready. Thanks again.

Jammud · ‎20-03-2015

Thanks for the reply Geoff, I appreciate it. Certainly having a baby has turned our world upside down. Looking back, I think my husband was displaying signs of depression long before she was born. I put it down to his own coping mechanism dealing with unsuccessful IVF - it certainly takes it's toll on a couple. But I wonder if all of these life stressors have combined gradually, over a long period of time, to slowly grind down his resilience. He is not the man I married anymore, but it didn't just change overnight when our daughter arrived. I think that's why it has taken me so long to recognize the changes, and to realize what might be happening. Until he is ready to communicate openly with me, or someone who can help him, I don't think we will be able to move forward in a meaningful way. I am trying to be patient. Thanks again.

geoff · ‎21-03-2015

dear Jammud, thanks for getting back to us and I can understand how you feel as well as your husband, because thinking about it I think I was also suffering from PND, however there has to be a cut off point where he has to decide that unless he improves he will need assistance, which brings me to the point of 'is your patience going to run out.' L Geoff. x

Pixie15 · ‎21-03-2015

Hi Jammud,

It is good that you are wiling to be patient with your partner and try and provide a safe place for him to talk when he is ready. The other side of that is the more you try to adjust and make him comfortable, the more of yourself you will give away, and the more entrenched he may become in his behaviors. It might help to seek counselling for yourself whatever your husband decides to do. It is possible to become too focused on what is happening with your partner and lose sight of caring for your own well-being. Have you thought about what other support may be available for you?

Grateful.