My ex is now talking about leaving his kids behind

[Distressed]

My husband has been depressed for over 5 years.   He did try anti-depressant a few years ago then stopped as he was in denial of his condition.  Two years ago, I left him for 3 months and during that time he slowly talk me into giving him another chance.  We stayed in the same house at the time .   About 10 months ago, it came crashing down again and I told him I could not do it anymore: his general behaviour, his selfishness and his laziness.  I am working full time with two children and was holding the family together without his help (or very little of it).  He told me if I wanted to leave it was fine with him but I had to move out this time.  I am Canadian and have no family here by the way.    I took this on board and went to find a place for me and the kids.  In the last 10 months we have shared the children custody 50/50. He has started anti-depressant in Nov. last year. He has become obsessive with getting me back, texting me large messages numerous time a day and missing work.  He is not listening to me when I ask him to give me some space.  He is completely ignoring any of my request to respect my boundaries, constantly trying to touch me and hug me.  I have started the “low contact” approach (we have kids so I can’t do no contact) and he is now saying if he cannot have me back he will leave and move away. Saying he can’t be for the children if we are not a family. Also, he keeps saying if I would only take him back he would be fine and would be the best husband/father.  It makes me feel his current mental health could be fix if only I could give him another chance.  I am borderline drowning myself with the pressure of the separation and grieving of the failure of my 17 years marriage.  I don’t think me letting him back in my life will solve the problem.  I feel he needs help but I have no more energy to be the one doing this for him.  He has burned all his relationship with friends as he is so self centered with his own problems that he is ignoring any advice from other, constantly talking about himself.  He is admitting his depression has caused our problems but not admitting he is still in it.  He wants to move away and stop the medication.   Everyone is telling me to let him go.  EVERYONE even his mum!  I don’t know what to do anymore.  If I help him he will think there is hope for us while I don’t believe in it although I still care deeply for him.  If I don’t I am afraid he will sink even further.

[white knight]

Hi Distressed, welcome here to beyond blue forums

I dont know if you'll get an answer here either. Ultimately its your decision but I'll transmit some views of mine anyway.

One thing that made my ears prick up was his threat to move away if you dont go back. That is pure emotional blackmail and unacceptable. It might well be a reflection of his desperation but that doesnt make it right. I've experienced emotional blackmail myself and its not a nice thing to feel.

A leopard doesnt change his spots. When he said he'd be "the best husband/father" if you returned...has he told you how he can transform himself? Has he told you how he planned to take 50% of the load of running a household? I was married to a lady for 11 years, we had 2 kids, I worked 3 jobs so she could sleep in, do zero housework, fail at being the homemaker - the job of her choice. She never changed and her second husband asked me what he could do to change her. She wouldnt change.Why try hard when some other poor soul can do all the work?

I'll stop there. It's sad that the kids are tested to. But kids are resilient and will adapt.

Tony  WK

[geoff]

dear Distressed, it's an awkward situation that he has put you and the kids in, but I agree with Tony as your husband hasn't said what he is going to do to help you, because what he promises normally doesn't come true and your back to square one.

You have tried to help him but hasn't accepted any of this, so he's not going to change now.

My wife (ex) tried to help me but gave up so she moved out and then we were divorced after 25 years, so after 17 years you will know whether he will or won't, but my guess is that he won't.

I changed and got better by myself, but the decision is yours and it would not be appropriate for me to tell you what to do, but your life will improve.

It's up to him to get help and if he wants to make friends with the ones he has lost that's also up to him, however he will make new friends along his way. L Geoff. x

[Distressed]

Thanks for your reply.  Now a couple of weeks down the track I see with more clarity.  It was blackmail as he is now saying he would never leave his children and I wont get rid of him so easily.   His tonacity to try to salvage our marriage is beyond anything I have heard off and I am starting to feel borderline narcissist.  I have decided to have as little contact as possible and try not to get angry anymore.  They say any reaction is a reaction and that what keeps him going.  I have loved him so much its difficult to let it all go but when love is gone there is not much to work on. 

[White_Rose]

Hello Distressed

I am sorry to read about your problems. Life gets very hard when our desire to help clashes with the need for self-preservation. As Tony has commented, your husband is using emotional blackmail to get his own way. That is despicable. He will only get well when he finally realises that he is the person who needs to do the work.

Depression is hard on everyone involved. Sometimes I think the family have the hardest job to manage. The desire to help your partner/family member/friend is strong and there is a tendency to try and do all the work. And of course many people will let you run round in circles while they sit back and wallow in self-pity.

Don't misunderstand me. I know how dreadful depression can be. But there comes a time when everyone needs to recognise they will get well only when they do the work.

I have several suggestions for you which you may or may not wish to try. Firstly block his calls to you. If you have a routine for him to visit the children or take them home then it can continue without lots of calls. Set up the process and then block his calls.

You sound exhausted. Why not visit your GP for a chat. It might be a good idea for you to get some counselling. The constant strain of your husband's behaviour can be draining. You also say you feel guilty for not helping or taking him back. It may help to talk to someone and learn ways of managing this. Also realise you are not to blame and you have done as much as possible.

Not getting angry is a good skill to learn. Again a decent psych can help with this. I know from my own experience how easily I get angry and upset and how hard it can be to contain that anger and cool down before doing anything.

How are your children coping without their father?

OK, that's enough for now. Hope this has been useful to you.

Mary