How do I support my mother who has depression and has chosen to live 4 hours away?

[Punungy]

Hello,

Im new to this forum and would like to get some advice on how to support and be there for my mother.

 Our relationship has been strained over the last 10 years and it ended up me not talking to her for a while. My mother has had depression for as long as I remember and I never knew how to support her, especially as a child. I knew she had depression but she got me very angry when she would not see how I wanted to be there for her. She would attack me emotionally and she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most (wedding, throughout my pregnancy and now that Ive become a mother myself). She shut me out of her life and I shut her out of mine because I needed to protect myself from getting hurt over and over again. I was an emotional wreck when I was in contact with her and this affected my relationship with my husband to be at the time. When I cut off all contact with her I felt free, happier and able to move forward with my life more confidently. Is this a selfish thing to say?

I am now happily married and have a 2 yr old son. Ever since meeting my husband my mother has never shown any happiness for my situation. My mother thinks that because she had a miserable life then I dont have the right to be happy. She has made many comments that have made me think this. Is this normal for a mother who is depressed to think like this?

My mother recently contacted me and asked for my forgiveness. In this phone call she said that she is taking medication to help her liver (she was unclear), she has a cyst or something on top of her bladder and a disease on her spine. She has always had back problems and complained about tiredness, sleep apnea and pain. For as long as I could remember my mother was never social (her sisters and brothers) and she could never form friendships. She has always told me growing up that she had a horrible childhood, terrribe marriage with my father (they have been divorced for nearly 8 years) her relationship with my older brother and sister is on and off and she has isolated herself by living 4 hours away from her children and her sisters and brothers. She said she has come off her medication for depression and is now on a benzodiazepine medication. What does this mean?

 I want to try to help my mother again but how do I do this when she lives 4 hours away? Is it possible?

and how do I prevent myself from becoming an emotional wreck or hurt?

I need to be strong for my husband and son.  I want to protect myself from anything negative. Growing up was negative enough for me with a depressed mother and parents who fought constantly. I dont want to repeat what my mother has become for the sake of my husband and son.

Thanks for reading my post.

[Punungy]

Thank you for finding my post! I will try and put my post in the Depression section.

I do have a strong desire to include her in my life. It was hard not talking to her or seeing her.

I can see your point about the 'defense mechanism'.

I spoke to mum today and I put my son on the phone with her (even though he had no clue who he was talking to) but immediately I heard such joy and happiness in her voice. It was a beautiful thing to hear.

Having boundaries on visits is a good idea (Plan B).

Thanks again for your advice,

It has made me see things a little differently now.

Punungy

[Becky2223]

I am going through a very similar thing at the moment and am really interested to know how you are getting on now two years later? I am finding it almost impossible to have a relationship with my mum who seems so uninterested in her children's lives. I know she is ill but I feel so unloved ad uncared for. I would love to know how things are for you now and how you have dealt with the situation.

Becky

[geoff]

dear Becky, welcome to BB and thanks for posting your comment which you are trying to get some help with.

Can I suggest that you start your own post, by doing this other people will have a chance to reply back to you, because at the moment it's hidden behind this existing one.

Just to explain on how to do this if you don't know, if you go to All Posts and press depression there will be start a New Thread which you press and then ask the same question as you have already done, then everybody will see it. L Geoff. x

[Punungy]

Hi Becky,

Sorry to hear about your mum. I know exactly how you feel. I still feel unloved and uncared for 2 years later. I have 2 kids now and my own mother still hasn't seen her grandchildren. She has nothing to do with my brother or sister. Unfortunately it's still the same. I have tried to get her to move closer to us but refuses to do this. At the same time she expects us to be there for her and show her some concern. Having my own family is first priority not my mother. She has chosen to live where she is but yet complains she is lonely and no one cares for her. I'm not sure what your mother is like but my mother is a very difficult person and was even when she didn't have depression. She has tried many times to put her children against each other and this is just not right for a mother to do. She has used my sister financially and now that my sister cannot help her anymore financially she wants nothing to do with her. Part of it I blame on her depression and the other part on her personality.I am trying to have some sort of contact despite the nasty things she is doing. I insist on not talking about the past and try not to get too personal with her.  i am constantly fighting within myself. I feel happier and calmer when I don't talk to her. Yet I feel so guilty when I stop talking to her. It's a constant battle. She makes me feel guilty when I don't speak to her and leaves abusive messages on my phone. She feels I have abandoned her but really I just want peace with her. My mother complains about her health to me all the time and has mentioned suicide many times. She refuses to see physcholgist. She continues to take strong pain killers. She refuses to pay money to go to a drug rehab to come off them and complains it's too much money. Yet she spends money on fixing a 4 bedroom house. I told her that her health is more important.I have blocked her number in the past and am very close to doing it again as I am starting to get anxiety after I speak to her. It's not worth it in the end. If I am not emotionally well for my family then m family is not well.. I ask myself this question all the time: would I let a friend be in my life who was negative, put me down as a person, wasn't involved in my everyday life, and didn't care for me? The answer is no, I wouldn't. So why should I put up with my mother?  i hope this helps. I hope haven't been too negative. All the best with your mum and always remember to take care of your own mental health first.

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[White_Rose]

Dear Punungy

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. As a mother with depression I would hate to think I was such a difficult person towards my family. However I am certain I have upset them in the past. You are right in that depression causes us do all sorts of things that would not normally happen.

In retrospect I know I worried the living daylights out of my daughters when I was in that black hole. And I know I hurt them when I said that they did not care about me. The difference I suppose is that I was a "normal" mom prior to the depression. My grandchildren know me and love me and I adore them. My grandson lives with me, which is a mixed blessing. I thought my days of living with a teenager were over. Nothing like it for keeping you on your toes.

But while I can understand your mom's actions to some extent I do agree with you that she is behaving badly. I wrote a long reply to Becky2223 and rather than repeat some of it can I suggest you read her thread in this section. Both of your circumstances have similarities but there are differences, so take the bits that apply.

By the way, my daughters always put their families before me no matter how much they cared. I confess I felt a bit hard done by at times, but they are right to do this and so are you.

Your situation and that of others in similar situations is very difficult. Loving your mom means you want to help her and being pushed away results in you feeling unhappy, stressed and inclined to leave her to her own devices. One thing I want to stress. You are not responsible for your mother's lifestyle. This is her choice.

Have you had a family meeting to try and work out any solutions? You say you have a brother and sister who are also badly affected by mom's behaviour. So can you get together and talk about your feelings? It may help to vent. Another option is to enlist the support of a psychologist who can meet with you all together and facilitate this discussion. I suggest this as one or more of you may be distressed and the psych can help you to debrief.

There are a number of carer organisations that can offer help. Carer Australia is one of them. Put Carers Organisations into your search engine.

Please continue to write in and we will continue to support you.

Mary

[Punungy]

Hi Mary,

thank you for replying. My mother has hurt me in the past and I can't change that. I try to move forward with her but she brings up the past and does not accept my feelings about it. I can't change these feelings. All I want is for her to be happy most importantly and for her to be happy for me too. To me it seems my mother is wasting her energy to try to be right instead of concentrating on our relationships. I have told her that I can never understand the health problems and depression she has but I am always a good listener. I get so hurt when she tells me I don't care for her. For the first time I told her "You have no idea how helpless I feel as a daughter. I would never make my children feel so helpless like you have. I have dreamt about you many times and see you happy and there for me." She started to cry. I started to cry. I just wanted her to know that I do hurt for her and I do think of her. I can't fix her health problems but I can be there for her even if it's through the phone.

a family meeting is definitely needed.

thanks

[White_Rose]

Dear Punungy

Did you read Becky's thread? I hope so as I wrote about realising who owns the problem.

As you say, the past is past and there is not much point in rehashing it. I will make one suggestion though. I f your mom wants to talk about the past, ask her why she wants to go there. I presume she is not reminiscing which is fine.Perhaps you can have one discussion and allow her to say all the things she wants. Make some ground rules if you like about not attacking anyone.

It can be difficult as one person may want to know or understand why something happened and the other may see it as an accusation. It needs care but may resolve some aspects. You can make it clear that this is a one-off chat because it is unhealthy to continue living in the past. Then agree to leave the past where it is and move on.

Now I know this sounds as though I think it will be easy and I am well aware it will be anything but. In preparation read up all you can on depression. There is heaps of information on this site and it is accurate. Hopefully you will recognise some of her feelings.

You frequently mention that your mom is not there for you, that she is not happy for your successes. I wonder how much this impacts on your frustration with her. When you wrote about that I remembered how my mom never seemed interested in what I did. She visited from the UK several times. I told her I had completed a degree at the age of 58 but she was totally uninterested. To say I was desperately hurt is an understatement. I have never understood why she could not be pleased for me.

I know that where I came in the family had a bearing on how she viewed me. I was a wartime baby with three older siblings. The next sister to me had become deaf during an air raid about the time I was born. My mom was so wrapped up in caring for her and planning for her future that she had little time for me. Then when my younger brother was born five years after me she doted on him. My sister was organised, the war was over, my father was safe etc. I often felt invisible.

That is really amazing. I had forgotten all this. My mom died on Christmas Day 1999 so I have had time to get used to her not being here. Whoops! I did not mean to go rambling on about myself. However I will leave it in in case you find it helpful.

Have you seen a psychologist? It may be helpful to have a few visits to help understand your feelings and learn how to manage when mom gets a bit heavy going. Talk to your GP.

Waiting for your next post.

Mary