Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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He wants to leave

replies: 3

My husband has depression. So far this has been the worst lowest he has ever felt. He is wanting to move out and says that me and the kids are clouding his judgement as to what he wants to do in life. Im afraid he is going to run away and never come back to us. Am I being selfish for not wanting him to not go and remind him of his role as a parent and a husband. He says he feels numb and he has no love for me. But only a few days ago he would tell me and msg me that he loves me throughout the day - everyday. Im in so much shock that he wants to leave. I been his support system from the start when everyone else shut in down and now he wants to leave me. I feel so alone and miserable and dont know what to do.

Is this normal behaviour for someone with depression? Losing my sanity dealing with it.

replies: 2

My partner and I have been together for 5 years now, and for the last year or so he’s been suffering from bad depression. He’s lost his job because of it, so now we’re dealing with financial stress as well. Lately he’s been really bad to me, and I feel as though I can’t do anything about it, because that would make his depression worse. I guess what I’m asking is if his behaviour is normal for someone with depression, if I should just deal with it so I don’t make things worse for him, or if how he’s acting isn’t normal. He’s been having trouble sleeping lately. He hasn’t been sleeping at night, but then sleeps all day. Yesterday he was still asleep when I got home at 4pm. Then this morning he was yelling at me for keeping me up all night. He was so mad about it that I couldn’t even raise the point that the fact he didn’t get to sleep was probably cause he’d spent the previous day sleeping. He’s going to a councillor, which is great, but now he says that this councillor has told him that he shouldn’t have to worry about doing any house work, that I should do it all. I work a full time job, cook dinner every night, clean the house on the weekends, all while my partner stays home and does nothing. I know he’s depressed, and people with depression have a hard time doing anything, I get that, but then he goes off and tells me I’m lazy if I haven’t done the dishes one night. He tells me I don’t do anything, but I can’t bring up the fact that I work and pay the rent, cause then he thinks I’m throwing it in his face that he’s not working. He’s also told me that my feelings don’t matter because he’s the one with depression. I’ve come home stressed from work, or stressed about money, and he has no sympathy for me, and I just have to deal with it on my own. Not only do I have to deal with it on my own, I have to act like I’m happy and okay, otherwise he gets mad at me for being anything other than happy and tells me I’m being selfish. I think what makes it the hardest is about 4 years ago I was suffering from depression and anxiety. I got anxious to the point of being physically ill and vomiting. And the only thing I got from him was to suck it up and stop looking so sad... and now here I am, putting everything I've got into supporting him. I guess I’ll leave it there. Is this normal behaviour? I feel like I have to just deal with it all because I don’t want to make things worse for him, but I feel like I’m losing my sanity now.

First time dealing with partners PTSD - any advice that might make sense?

replies: 7

Hi, I've joined this forum in desperate help to be able to understand what's happening to my partner and my life.... I'm in a relatively new relationship but love this beautiful man with all my heart. He opened up about a trauma in his late teens and that he's had PTSD.... maybe he should have said..... At times still suffers... So everything has been wonderful and then out of the blue he cut himself off from me, stopped phone contact Andrews message became anything from normal to quite nasty which is not him at all.... This has gone on for almost a week, he finally answered my call and I got out of him that it was PTSD and he just needed some time and he'd get through it. He had assured me it's not me or anything I've done. He has been to the dr and got medication and also saw a councillor. i saw him today for this first time since Tuesday and then he didn't want to be touched at all and wasn't himself, today he seemed very anxious yet emotionless, he says he can't explain it and he doesn't understand it... Well, that makes two of us.... I might get a few messages that seem like he's himself and then they'll change or he will stop contact again... He's varely left his house all week and I'm getting really concerned. I am devastated that he is clearly not himself yet there's nothing I can do. i don't understand what's happening... Do I just be patient and wait, tell him I here when he's ready? Will this just pass? He said it normally only lasts a few days but this time it's harder... He said he has no idea what triggered it. This is breaking my heart, I'm sad, confused and don't know what I should do..... I have encouraged him to see the councillor again this week.

My boyfriend has depression, i don't know what to do.

replies: 2

Hi everyone, My boyfriend and i have been together for three years now. In the beginning he was such a happy and kind person, he was always there for me and we hardly ever fought. Pleas note he did participate in recreational use of Marijuana, but was never 'addicted' as such.Only after his friends begun to leave school & he had become 'lonely' did i notice a change in behaviour. He had always wanted to drop out of school to commence a trade of some sort but his overpowering mother had forced him to complete grade 12. After he had graduated he had expected that he was going to become a builder and be happy. When he did a months worth of work for a guy with no pay he had made a serious decision that building is not for him, I was so proud of him at this moment for realising what made him unhappy and changing it. Since then the problems have gotten worse.His parents are extremely controlling and manipulative and have spent the last 6 months criticising him daily for not having a job despite the fact that he has applied for almost 10 jobs and have be declined of all, this has also taken a toll on his emotions.We have always been the type of couple to express our emotions to each other honestly, however within the past 6 months he has only even shown anger and love. There is no in-between or an expression of unhappiness or an expression of any symptoms of depression, despite the fact that i can clearly notice it. When he speaks of his anger its always him being frustrated and angry with himself and always hating his parents or hating me.recently our arguments which are only ever verbal toward each other have become heated and intense where he has said hurtful things to me and continuously blames everything on me, however our arguments are always followed up with him saying he's sorry and he doesn't know whats wrong with him, a basic lowest of low for emotion once all are let out.I know that he has some degree of depression and can notice that the past few months have been dark for him therefore i am trying my hardest to cope and to support him because I do love him and it is evident that he does love me, I just really need some advice on what exactly to do, especially with his manipulative parents where his dad has known to be abusive and aggressive. Any response would be so greatly appreciated.

Best way to approach my boyfriend about his depression?

replies: 4

My boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years, and he has been open about the fact that he has experienced depression previously (around 2 years ago) which he overcame with therapy. Recently he said that he felt that he was "on a downward spiral again", and his behaviour over the last few months makes me agree. He said he would see someone about it but he hasn't so far and its been months. He doesn't have a job and is having trouble with the workload at uni. recently he has been saying that our relationship is the only thing keeping him going and that i am his rock. It is starting to put a lot of pressure on me. I am also studying full time and working nights and always being there for him is wearing me thin. I don't want to seem like i am intruding on his life but this is taking a toll on our relationship. What do I do?

How do you help a 13 year old who won't talk?

replies: 2

I don't know who I'm more worried about, my partner or his 13 year old daughter. His 13 yr old has always preferred her own company and would happily remove herself from the living room when things got too noisy. We would find her sitting, quite happily, in her room reading. But, for the past few months she spends almost all of her time in her room, she mumbles replies, or snarls them, and she has lost weight. She has told her father that she doesn't want to spend time with him anymore. They used to have a lovely relationship and shared a lot of humour, hugs and quality time. I have been told, by well meaning friends (and their children), that her mother is quite derogatory about the father (my partner) and the things that he does for his daughter, for example a gift is described as 'just trying to win points'. There is very little that we can do to change that. She has been to Headspace once but does not have to keep appointments if she doesn't want to (her mother insists that it is her choice to make). In the meantime, my partner has struggled to get a night's sleep in the past few months (he might get one nights sleep in five), he starts to feel sick the day before he picks up his children, he gets tension headaches and he is struggling to run his own business. I try to be a good listener because everything that I say is usually wrong. If I challenge my partners thinking (I have read about CBT and ACT and try to exercise it in my life) he tells me that he 'doesn't want to talk about it'. He has seen his GP and has had 2 of his other children referred to psychologists (who believe that the children are affected by their mother who harbours and expresses a lot of anger about their father). It feels like there is no answer. How do you help a 13 year old who won't talk? How do you help her change her thinking when she is only spending 40% of her time with you? How do I help my partner who is obviously suffering from anxiety over it? I can't remove the cause.

Caring for someone depressed and the struggle to let go

replies: 8

I have a depressed husband and the constant struggle is destroying me and our marriage. I have exhausted all my options of helping him by being understanding, talking about it, making appointments for him to see the doctor, seeking counseling... The list goes on. But he won't follow through. My latest attempt of going to the doc with him resulted in being prescribed antidepressants and going on the mental health plan but he won't take the antidepressants or make an appointment. I'm at my final attempt. When he is depressed, he leaves his job, leaves me with everything to financially manage and I can't do it anymore. My family have witnessed his erratic behavior and have started to try talking to me because they believe he is emotionally abusing me as he gets verbal, talks down on me and likes to say I am the problem. He also doesnt have any real friends because I have heard from others that his group of friends that he used to have thought he wasn't all there, wondered why I was with him and in the end they distanced themselves from him Ialways made excuses for his cruel and demanding behavior towards me saying it was his depression, and not him but as time has continued in our relationship I have learned that his family is also fed up. I know if I leave him he has no where to go and no one to turn to so I've stayed in this relationship for that reason. But I don't know what else to do. I don't believe in divorce, I also think I might be a horrible person for leaving someone who is confused and in need but I'm not happy anymore and I resent him for ruining me and my life. Any help on being a carer and getting thru this or help fr courage to end the marriage and move on.

Living with someone with depression

replies: 2

Hello, im new to this but really feel that im at the point of needing advice from those that might have been in a similar situation. Around 4 weeks ago my husband of 4 years (together for 11) told me that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore, doesn't know how he feels eye etc. we have two children. One is 4 and one is 4 months. This cane completely out the blue for me and was a huge shock. He Stayed at his brothers for two nights and then came home but still couldn't really answer any of my questions or explain where this had come from. Cut a long story short, about a week later he broke down and admitted he's depressed. I now can't believe I didn't spot this sooner. He said he didn't mean it and he did want to try putting our marriage back on track as he admitted it was perhaps the depression clouding his decision. Although he said that he has pushed me further and further away. There is not one bit of affection in our marriage, he isn't trying to make things better one bit. He is gong to go to the doctors. As ot stands we are basically spilt up but living in the same house still at the moment, which is torture. I just basically want to know if it's normal to push loved ones away (so far away) when someone is feeling like this. aby advice is very welcome! M tjsnk you!

Help - how do you keep a family function long term when the Dad has depression?

replies: 2

I feel so broken. My husband has had depression off on and for almost all of our 17 years of marriage. We have 3 girls (11.9 & 7) and I've put all my effort into making sure his condition doesn't affect them. But I think I've left myself alone in this too long and now I feel like my insides are broken glass and I'm not sure I can keep coping.His depression is pretty much always there, but as the saying goes some times it's a little black puppy he can manage, and other it's a ravenous black monster dog and sucks everything he has. He is such a good man and I care about him a lot. But depression has robbed us of so much. I am so angry because my emotional needs go unmet almost all of the time. He has explained to me that he struggles to express his love because he hates himself so much, but understanding that doesn't make me feel better. It doesn't change emotionless void I am living in or give me hope. (I struggle not to feel like a first class witch saying that but this has been going on a long long time.)I have tried to help him but I have come to a point where I know I can't. I am nothing against that black dog. I honestly just feel like collateral damage to depression. He has weeks and sometimes even months when things seem ok on the surface. We both know they're not good - but he is able to manage well enough to be part of the family and seems to get some plesaure out of life. But then he swings down and turns into what I refer to as 'the walking ghost in the house'. He get up in the morning and goes about his routine like none of us are here - and we have pretty much all learned to just ignore him when he is like that. (What must this be doing to my girls?????) He seeks no interaction and we just wait for him to return. I am blabbering. But I need to get this off my chest a little. I am not coping with his downward spirals any more. They make me angry and break me just a little more each time they happen. I actually feel like his black dog is starting to drag me down too. Like I can't swim against it anymore. I'm exhausted.I just don't know what to do. When I look inside myself at the moment I just seen brokenness. The only thing I know I do need to do is look after myself better. I can't be a good mum when I'm feeling like this. Does anyone have any suggestions,services, sites they think could help me?

dealing with partner who has anxiety

replies: 2

First time posting here I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and from the beginning his anxiety has come and gone throughout the months but it has never been this bad. he told me that he just can't feel anything at the moment. He cant feel any emotion happy or sad and I dont know what to do. I feel helpless that I cant make him happy and I know it may seem selfish but not being able to make someone you love happy kills me. Whenever we see each other now I feel like I cant joke and be happy with him because he shuts me down because he just doesn't have it in him. I know leave hime worse than before i saw him and its really just bringing me down. I want to stay by him its just getting really hard when I dont feel the love that used to be there. I just want some advice without judgement or even to know that someone's going through the same thing thankyou x

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

He wants to leave replies: 3

Is this normal behaviour for someone with depression? Losing my sanity dealing with it. replies: 2

First time dealing with partners PTSD - any advice that might make sense? replies: 7

My boyfriend has depression, i don't know what to do. replies: 2

Best way to approach my boyfriend about his depression? replies: 4

How do you help a 13 year old who won't talk? replies: 2

Caring for someone depressed and the struggle to let go replies: 8

Living with someone with depression replies: 2

Help - how do you keep a family function long term when the Dad has depression? replies: 2

dealing with partner who has anxiety replies: 2