Best way to approach my boyfriend about his depression?

[LilyM]

My boyfriend and i have been together for 3 years, and he has been open about the fact that he has experienced depression previously (around 2 years ago) which he overcame with therapy. Recently he said that he felt that he was "on a downward spiral again", and his behaviour over the last few months makes me agree. He said he would see someone about it but he hasn't so far and its been months. He doesn't have a job and is having trouble with the workload at uni. recently he has been saying that our relationship is the only thing keeping him going and that i am his rock. It is starting to put a lot of pressure on me. I am also studying full time and working nights and always being there for him is wearing me thin. I don't want to seem like i am intruding on his life but this is taking a toll on our relationship. What do I do? 

[geoff]

dear Lily, welcome to the BB site and thanks for posting your comment, which seems to be in a difficult position for both of of you.

Your hands are full at the moment, and I don't want to take away anything from your boyfriend, but your working at night as well as studying full time, which does require your spare time to do assignments and essays, so your time with your boyfriend becomes restricted.

What I would like to ask you, and please only answer if you want to, was your boyfriend also doing an uni course, which could have begun his downward fall.

I'm only asking this to determine what has caused his breakdown whether it's uni or whether it's the relationship, however it could involve both, although he has said that 'you are his rock'.

When someone becomes depressed they don't automatically run out and get some counselling, because there seems to be some hesitation.

Hope that we can hear back from you. Geoff. x

[White_Rose]

Dear Lily

What a sad situation for you. I hope we can help you. You certainly have our support. Welcome to Beyond Blue.

As Geoff has commented, it is your BF who has depression not you. You need to look after yourself and not get exhausted looking after him. Sounds harsh and uncaring I know but this is reality.

Clearly he is leaning on you, which is OK to some extent, but this cannot continue if he is to get well again. And only he can do this. Let me suggest you put some boundaries in place.

When you say you have been together for three years I presume your are living together. So who pays the rent and buys the food? It is important that he is an equal contributor as, apart from the financial strain on you, he needs to understand that life is not a free ride no matter how miserable he feels.So if he is not contributing, this is the first step. Getting a job and paying his way.

The spin off from this is that he will get out more and be more involved with other people. When folk are depressed they do need to get on with their lives as much as possible. Maybe he is not ready for party time, but basic interactions are necessary.

Carrying his emotional burden for him is definitely not good for you. He needs outside help. You need to insist he sees his GP at the very least. In fact it would be better if you went with him and added details that he may skip or gloss over.

It is also emotional blackmail to call you his rock and then do nothing to get well. He is indulging himself at your expense. You attend uni and complete your workload and work at night. How much more are you going to do for him? Drop out of uni to care for him? Sorry to sound so directive but I am concerned about you.

You are not intruding on him. It is in fact the other way round. He is sucking you dry. I suggest you tell him to get a job and contribute to the costs of running your home. Also that he gets himself to the GP and a counsellor. Universities have counsellors attached to them.

If he refuses you need to decide if you want him to move out, not you. I know it's a hard thing to think about but he will never get well continuing in this fashion. You must start putting your needs first before you collapse.

I really hope you reply to the post, even if only to tell me I am wrong.

Mary

[LilyM]

He isn't at uni, he dropped out of high school, but is now recompleting his VCE, and It was at the start of this year approximately that he started downward spiralling. I know that year 12 is a really stressful time so I have been trying to be supportive. But at the same time I don't want to be his crutch and I want him to be independently successful. It's a frustrating balance sometimes

[LilyM]

Thank you for your advice Mary,

you are correct in assuming that we live together. He is not currently in work, as he wants to focus on his studying. I understand this but it does mean I pay for an awful lot of things (mostly food/groceries/going out). I don't mind normally because I admit that I do like spoiling him (not a great habit I'm sure) but it does frustrate me sometimes. I have tried to encourage him to get a job but he says he wants to "sort out his issues" first. Which he has yet to do. I love Gabe more than anything but he does tire me. Should I be putting more pressure on him to be independent?