My boyfriend has depression, i don't know what to do.

[N087]

Hi everyone,

 My boyfriend and i have been together for three years now. In the beginning he was such a happy and kind person, he was always there for me and we hardly ever fought. Pleas note he did participate in recreational use of Marijuana, but was never 'addicted' as such.

Only after his friends begun to leave school & he had become 'lonely' did i notice a change in behaviour. He had always wanted to drop out of school to commence a trade of some sort but his overpowering mother had forced him to complete grade 12. After he had graduated he had expected that he was going to become a builder and be happy. When he did a months worth of work for a guy with no pay he had made a serious decision that building is not for him, I was so proud of him at this moment for realising what made him unhappy and changing it. Since then the problems have gotten worse.

His parents are extremely controlling and manipulative and have spent the last 6 months criticising him daily for not having a job despite the fact that he has applied for almost 10 jobs and have be declined of all, this has also taken a toll on his emotions.

We have always been the type of couple to express our emotions to each other honestly, however within the past 6 months he has only even shown anger and love. There is no in-between or an expression of unhappiness or an expression of any symptoms of depression, despite the fact that i can clearly notice it. 

When he speaks of his anger its always him being frustrated and angry with himself and always hating his parents or hating me.

recently our arguments which are only ever verbal toward each other have become heated and intense where he has said hurtful things to me and continuously blames everything on me, however our arguments are always followed up with him saying he's sorry and he doesn't know whats wrong with him, a basic lowest of low for emotion once all are let out.

I know that he has some degree of depression and can notice that the past few months have been dark for him therefore i am trying my hardest to cope and to support him because I do love him and it is evident that he does love me, I just really need some advice on what exactly to do, especially with his manipulative parents where his dad has known to be abusive and aggressive. 

Any response would be so greatly appreciated.

[white knight]

Hi N087,  welcome to beyond blue.

he has manipulative parents? It's a tough one. That places you in a struggling position because you dont have a free relationship in some ways...there will always be his parents in the background for him to fulfill their expectations rather than yours. This happens more when he is in his late teens or twenties. Eventually he is likely to create his own mind about decisions but having had a manipulative parent I know what its like and I know what my first spouse put up with in tackling my mother head on. Blood is thicker than water as they say and often if a conflict occurs between say you and his parents the parents win. Sadly.

I do feel your situation would benefit greatly with some relationship counselling. And one more thing. Keeping some distance from his parents is also a consideration. Two hours driving distance from my mother helped me for many years. In the end I cut ties completely due to her manipulation...such was the seriousness of it. You need to allow him to make such decisions though and not demonise his parents.

Counselling will be good. Also a counsellor might recommend to him a GP about his depression if you mention it then.

Tony WK

[TheSteve]

Hi NO87,

Thanks for sharing. When I read your post I thought exactly two things: get some counseling, and create distance between yourselves and your boyfriend's parents. White Knight has covered both of these, and I concur fully.

Your boyfriend will need to undergo a few processes:

- Breaking his parents' hold over him

- Rebuilding his confidence

- Dealing with and recovering from negativity and depression

- Mending his relationship with you

- Leading and living a normal life, once he is back on track

Through all this, if you are by his side you'll experience more pain and conflict in your relationship. However, this should lessen over time, and things should improve. It is important you guys carve your own niche, and he gets professional help.

Feelings of worthlessness can be particularly brutal on a young man who has always had to reach for unrealistic goals, or goals that are not his but somebody else's. He is also at a tough age, where boy transitions to man. Unfortunately, for some of us it all hits at once.

Please come back and talk to us if you need to. You may even introduce your BF to this site, in as discreet a way as you like. All the best.

Steve