Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Feeling lost re depressed husband

replies: 1

Hi everyone, I don't know what to do to help my husband. I have a feeling that a GP appt is in order but just wondering if anyone has any words of advice in the meantime. We've gone through a lot over the past few years... His family has fallen apart, he's engaged in reckless behaviour and has copped the consequences, he's under pressure at work, and our child died. We've been to a psychologist and also a counsellor but neither really helped much. They were nice to talk to but didn't offer any tangible help or ideas. He's tried two types of medication - the first resulted in him being tired and sleeping all the time, but the second seemed to help but he stopped taking them because he felt better. Our relationship seems a bit lost. We still love each other, but we've been closed off to each other for a while now. I feel like if I bring up any of the big issues, it upsets him, so I don't. Well, until last night! I hate what we've become and want my husband back so I bit the bullet and tried to get him to open up. It's going to be a long road but I hope we get there. He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him but he hasn't felt happy in years, and that "I don't know, maybe it is depression". Do I just take over and drag him to the doctor? I don't want to be a controlling wife but I also want my husband back. We agree that we have the basis and memories of a wonderful relationship, we just need to reconnect. I feel bad because I do acknowledge that I get frustrated with him because I feel like I'm the only one addressing the problem and that I'm making most of the effort to fix things. I don't mean that I'm keeping score, I just mean that I'm worried I want to reconnect more than he does and that I'm railroading him into it. Could this be a depression related thing? His lack of effort is because he's depressed? Thanks for reading, Lost Wife

Not sure if I can keep caring - I'm tired of being the rock.

replies: 9

My husband suffers from depression and is a functioning alcoholic. We have been together for 20 years, married for 15 years. He apparently is amazing at work but I am stuck with this guy who is always tired, asleep, drunk, snappy. He has slept in the spare bedroom now for 5 years because he doesn't sleep well and snores. He makes no effort for our little family but would argue he does. And no effort to maintain any sexual or affection towards me. Our 9 year son is now aware and if he tries telling his father he needs help. I am the one that gets into trouble. I work, study and a carer for our son who has special needs. All the while he just sits and drinks every night. I have been calm, supportive, loving and a good wife. I would give anything to have the guy I fell in love with in some form back. It makes me sad when I read the forums in the mens groups. They all hate their exwives but I don't know, if people with depression realise we do everything and give so much. It's like living a lonely life on eggshells. I am the one who keeps the family calm, happy, cook, cleans, shops and takes care of everything etc and have no time to look after and care for myself. "He's tried everything" is all I keep hearing from him. He just won't go and get help, I have taken him to the Drs initially. Made phone calls to help groups but always promises but nothing. I feel like he just doesn't care enough about us. And I am just at the stage now. Why should I keep caring too. I've read all the books to help him and be a good support. I have been to AA family groups and supportive depression family support groups but I can't help him. I went to therapy myself for 2 years because I really thought I wasn't doing enough for him and I thought his depression was my fault. Friends and family know about his depression and drinking but no one offers support. If they do they say "I should just leave" I just wish there was someone who would give me the same love and care back. I feel burnt out but still care about my husband if that makes any sense. Frangipani

Struggling with a partner with bipolar

replies: 4

I’ve been looking at these boards for a few weeks now, searching for common situations and advice that I could take on board. But I think I just need to lay my situation on the table and hope for the best. My wife and partner of 16 years suffers from schitzoaffective bipolar disorder, which she has likely dealt with since the birth of our first child 10 years ago. She is receiving regular treatment through a psychiatrist, and is very aware of her illness. I try to support her as much as I can, providing an ear to listen and a shoulder to lean on. We’ve always gotten by, but the last 12 – 18 months have been very difficult. She has been in and out of hospital for both physical and mental treatments, and has had a difficult time at work recently (including an episode of bullying and possible sexual harassment). All of this has placed her into a very low place, which I can see takes a lot of her resources to just get by. My issue is that, over the last 6-12 months or so, I have perceived a number of small things that I am having difficulty coping with. Each is small, and in isolation I would have previously just shrugged it off and moved on. But I have noticed a lessening of our physical and emotional relationship to the point where it feels like she doesn’t care, and at times, that I am an imposition to her. It’s small things, like not showing an interest in how my day has been, showing any physical affection that isn’t instigated by me or saying “I Love You” that isn’t a response to me saying it first, but has chipped away at my resolve over the past year. I haven’t brought it up with her as I don’t want to upset her as I can see she is struggling. I have mentioned the disconnect/distance I have noticed to her psychiatrist, but her job is to focus on my wife’s welfare, not mine. I am afraid that, if I mention anything it will come out wrong and it will either seem like I am attacking her or just whining about minor issues. I guess all I am looking for is some feedback as to whether anyone else has had a similar experience Overall, I feel like she just doesn’t care. I know that this is probably not the case, and the above is down to her using her resources to cope with just getting through the day, but it still hurts. I can see that life has been hard for her, and I need to make allowances for her illness, but I also need to make sure I don’t burn myself out. I would just like to know that what’s happening with me is not uncommon.

My Partner has anxiety

replies: 10

Good Afternoon all, Just want to discuss with others out there who are living with a partner who is suffering from anxiety. I have unwaivering support for my partner and do as much as I can for her and my family, however, she is constantly saying I a... View more

need some advice

replies: 2

hi everyone, i need some advice. i have a close mate that i also happen to be sleeping with struggling with depression. i have known for years about it, but as our friendship was established long distance and during the time he gained a girlfriend, i was unaware of how bad it was. he was with his gf for a substantial time and about 9 months ago they broke up. i was there to support him through the break up and then we started sleeping together. i was not sure if this was the right thing to do as he was not mentally stable, but it seemed to help him a little. im not so sure if ive done the right thing. but now he seems to be pushing me away, saying how he doesnt want to see me. then later turns around and tells me he only says that because he feels like he is not good enough for me.i dont want to push him away as he thinks i am his only friend, but at the same time he is putting too much pressure on me and its destroying me. ive been nothing but honest with him and have told him that i am not the one who can fix his problems,that i am just here to help because i care. im so lost and dont want to cause him any pain, i just want to help him. i dont know what to do. i feel like if i pull away that will validate his thoughts that he is not good enough, which is not true! but at the same time ive been doing this for 6 months now and i cant keep the brave face when he says the things he does. we are not a couple, he is still caught up on his ex and acknowledges a problem but wont do anything. i keep an open communication with him, it works sometimes as he has told me some of his thoughts, but i know there is more he does not speak about. i encourage him to talk to anyone he trust, but even he said "men are not allowed to talk about these things". it worries me so much. i dont push as i know that these things must be their own idea for it to be effective. he upsets me, and i dont know if it will be beneficial to him to tell him just how much they upset me. i let him know that what he says does effect me, but i have just focused on making sure that i try and take away the negativity from his thinking and sometimes question why he says what he says. sorry this is a poor picture, but if you have any advice, please it would be good to hear! Thanks

Overwhelmed

replies: 4

My husband of over 40 years is finally facing up to his depression (I think). Instead of recognising this as the positive step that it undoubtedly is, and feeling relieved and sympathetic, I am overwhelmed by rage at the wasted years and the effect his depression has had on our marriage and our family. I read somewhere that depression rarely responds positively to a spouse's support; it is usually the other way round...depression drags the spouse down. This is so true. I'm also feeling unbelievably frustrated at the (40+) years of circular arguments that have got us nowhere; the promises to change; the promises that things will get better (sometimes they do for a while but it is never maintained); the negativity, the glass half-empty, being made to feel it's all my fault and that if I wasn't so demanding and critical then he'd be OK. The years of denial, the withdrawing, the silence, the withholding, the lack of concern for my needs and the needs of our family, the intense self-absorption. The anxiety, the panic attacks, the half hearted attempts to seek help. I feel guilty that I don't feel more empathetic (empathic??) but the reality is that, at the moment, I don't. I just feel at the end of my tether, sucked dry and empty, sick of being the care giver in the family and the "strong" one, sick of never having MY needs met, sick of having to support everyone else and put on a brave face, of him denying, negating and being emotionally abusive (obliquely threatening suicide has been a favourite one in the past). I am ready to explode! Am I going crazy? I just want to run and hide and I feel bad about it. Cat Banks 15.00 beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this

replies: 5

This is "Living With A Black Dog", a short video for loved ones of people experiencing depression. It gives you tips on what to do, what not to do, and how to survive and thrive through the journey of recovery together. What's your favourite tip from... View more

Distressed girlfriend

replies: 6

This is my first forum post and have spent the past couple of hours looking through the forum but was hoping for some more advice. I have been with my boyfriend for roughly 1.5 years and we have lived together for about 8 months. Before we became a couple I was aware he was battling depression but after a couple of weeks he was happy, working and we both thought we had found the light at the end of the tunnel. It has only been the past 3 months where everything has spun downhill. He is pushing me away, drinking heavily and not putting any effort into our relationship. Yesterday he finally broke down and told me that he has hit rock bottom. I don't know what to do. I hate seeing him upset and I hate that I've been crying daily because of the stress aswell. When I bring up getting help he closes off and accuses me of trying to force him on medication. I am worried for him, myself and us a couple and I just don't know what to do anymore

I don't know where to turn - partner with borderline personality disorder

replies: 2

Hi Sorry I am very new to this. I have had the same partner on and off for a couple of years. He was diagnosed with bpd last year and he has steadly got worse.I know he has some narcissistic traits as well. I just don't know where to turn to get help on how to cope with everything. Reading some of the research I have found and its scary how it has described him to a tee.. Where do I start? =(

Is it Anxiety?

replies: 2

Hi all, I have a 4 and a half year old boy that I am beginning to worry about. Ever since he started kindy he has been easily upset, doesn't want to go (he was very excited about starting school), emotional. He needs to be the one in control and like things a particular way. If I drop him at school, he screams that he doesn't want me to go and that he doesn't want to be there. If someone else drops him off he is fine. Once I am gone he settles quickly and is fine for the rest of the day. If he wants something done (by me or anyone else) he wants it done NOW and gets upset if it isn't done. Am I right to be concerned or is he just an emotional, typical 4 year old.... I look forward to your suggestions. Thank you

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Feeling lost re depressed husband replies: 1

Not sure if I can keep caring - I'm tired of being the rock. replies: 9

Struggling with a partner with bipolar replies: 4

My Partner has anxiety replies: 10

need some advice replies: 2

Overwhelmed replies: 4

If you love someone with depression, you need to watch this replies: 5

Distressed girlfriend replies: 6

I don't know where to turn - partner with borderline personality disorder replies: 2

Is it Anxiety? replies: 2