Feeling lost re depressed husband

[LostWifeWA]

Hi everyone,

I don't know what to do to help my husband. I have a feeling that a GP appt is in order but just wondering if anyone has any words of advice in the meantime.

We've gone through a lot over the past few years... His family has fallen apart, he's engaged in reckless behaviour and has copped the consequences, he's under pressure at work, and our child died. We've been to a psychologist and also a counsellor but neither really helped much. They were nice to talk to but didn't offer any tangible help or ideas. He's tried two types of medication - the first resulted in him being tired and sleeping all the time, but the second seemed to help but he stopped taking them because he felt better.

Our relationship seems a bit lost. We still love each other, but we've been closed off to each other for a while now. I feel like if I bring up any of the big issues, it upsets him, so I don't. Well, until last night! I hate what we've become and want my husband back so I bit the bullet and tried to get him to open up. It's going to be a long road but I hope we get there. He says he doesn't know what's wrong with him but he hasn't felt happy in years, and that "I don't know, maybe it is depression". Do I just take over and drag him to the doctor? I don't want to be a controlling wife but I also want my husband back. We agree that we have the basis and memories of a wonderful relationship, we just need to reconnect.

I feel bad because I do acknowledge that I get frustrated with him because I feel like I'm the only one addressing the problem and that I'm making most of the effort to fix things. I don't mean that I'm keeping score, I just mean that I'm worried I want to reconnect more than he does and that I'm railroading him into it. Could this be a depression related thing? His lack of effort is because he's depressed?

Thanks for reading,

Lost Wife

[Pixie15]

Hi LostWifeWA,

Welcome to the bb forums. There is a booklet in the resources on the site here which is for carers and this would be a good place to start. It is positive that you have started trying to have the conversation.

If your partner has been on medication before and it helped then as you have suggested encouraging him back to the doctors would seem like a good step. This might help if he can acknowledge himself the difference between how he is now and how he felt when he thought the medication had made him better. If you push him too much though you will possibly not be in a position to really support him.

The other thing I thought as I was reading your post is that different people grieve at a different rate. You may be ready to move on with your life but your partner may need more time. There is a book "On Grief and Grieving" by Kubler-Ross which you might find useful to read. 

It is also important to look after yourself. It can be difficult to live with someone who is suffering depression. I know it can be frustrating when you cannot do something to "help" someone but your partner is the one who needs to decide that he needs help. No-one else can do that for him.

thanks,

Pixie.