Depressed/anxious partner seems to be getting worse.

Jacmac58 · ‎13-03-2015

I've posted before, though I feel that my situation hasn't improved, it's gotten worse and I just don't know what to do.

Long story short, my partner asked me to move out of our home after a particularly bad fight/breakdown (on his part) about 3 months ago. I did and we are living separately. This isn't what I want, but it wasn't an option.

Since moving out he has sort help for depression/anxiety/self esteem issues which is great. Over the last couple of weeks I thought he had been making progress. I haven't seen him much though. He wants to be on his own a lot. I'm trying to come to terms with this.

He texted me yesterday morning and let me know he was feeling pretty bad but had made an appointment to see his psychologist that evening. Again, I thought great, he is identifying when he needs support and seeking it. It seemed like a good sign. Later on that night, I texted him, just to say hello, I never ask about his appointments. He didn't respond. A couple of hours later, I texted again to say goodnight and he didn't respond. As he has self harmed before, I was worried, I tried to call him but he had blocked my number. Several hours later he texted back saying he had a bad night with his psychologist and needed to be alone. He said he had been drinking, which he doesn't usually do. We had a short conversation following, which consisted of him telling me he isn't worthy, he is sorry for who he is and that I deserve better. My responses were only to say that I was there for him, I loved him and I believed in him.

I wanted to see him tonight but he refuses, he says he can't be around people. I don't know if that is just limited to me Or everyone but it hurts a lot. I know better than to respond negatively as all that achieves is making him feel ashamed and guilty. He's pushing me away. We have gone from seeing each other 1-2 times per week to none. Though he says he loves me, doesn't want to break up etc.

having a partner who doesn't want to see you is hard hard work.

Are these signs he is worse? Will he getting better? Is he just going to keep pushing me away? What can I do?

Neil_1 · ‎16-03-2015

Hi there jacmac

I can’t recall if I’ve posted to you before, so in that case, I’m going to wish you a warm welcome to Beyond Blue.

To say your situation is a difficult one would be true in the highest degree.

So, you’ve been separated now for approx. 3 months.

During that time he’s been seeking out professional help, but he’s still wishing to be by himself.

That episode yesterday must have been extremely tough for you – not hearing from him, I couldn’t imagine where your thoughts were and how you were handling that.

You have mentioned that you want to be there for him, that you love him and that you believe in him. Your last question is: What can I do? Continue to say those things to him when you get the opportunity – and that you’re willing to work with him on this and do everything that you can to help him.

I’m not sure when you may be seeing or hearing from him again – perhaps an offer to have a coffee at some stage; where you could find out whether you two could try again, but under perhaps, certain rules. That by you being there, you could really help, in that if he didn’t feel able to go out shopping (groceries) you could do that; so you could bring up things that might show him that by you being there, it will be beneficial to him.

Just another thought – do you know of any siblings, family members or friends that he may have? I guess first though, would you think that they’d know about his illness? And if so, could it be possible to contact them to see if he’s ‘gone underground’ with them as well?

I hope I’ve said something that might be beneficial to you. I do hope you can come back and post again.

Neil

Jacmac58 · ‎17-03-2015

Hi Neil,

Thank you for your response.

I have managed to see him since this episode. It took a few days of him saying he wanted to be alone before he agreed

. When we met he told me he was angry about a situation at work where he felt like he was being undermined. The person he needed to talk to about it was, in his opinion, avoiding him, making him madder. Work is always his trigger, he has a stressful job and encounters lots of set backs in his work on a daily basis. But because he works so much, refuses to cut down, it makes him worse.

I could tell he was very very anxious, he didn't eat much, talked very quickly and seemed jittery and on edge. We ran into some friends and he talked 100 miles a minute to them, no one could get a word in.

Since then, the only contact he has made is when I initiate it, it's brief.

He told me he had a bad day today and went to see his psychologist. He is ignoring my follow up message.

Is it common for people to come out of a session feeling worse? I feel like each time he sees this psychologist he becomes withdrawn.

I know many of his friends and family, but I do not know what they know about his illness. I don't want to contact anyone he hasn't shared this with, I don't believe it's my place.,

i intend to continue supporting him, I've offered to do something's for him, like cook. It's just hard when he doesn't acknowledge me on some occasions. It does make me wonder if it's the illness or a hint to stop trying.

Jacmac58 · ‎18-03-2015

I have also just discovered that he has been talking to another woman about therapy. He says that she is also in therapy, this is how they met and they talk about common problems.

I don't know how to feel about this. He says it's no more than talking. She comes to his (our) house just to talk, nothing more. He didn't tell me about it, I found out myself. I'm angry that he wants to talk to another woman and not me.

I'm not happy about this, I get the feeling he isn't being honest with me. He hid this from me which just makes me think something else is going on.

Neil_1 · ‎18-03-2015

Hi Jacmac

Ok, that is a bit of a twist that you've added.

Maybe it is only talk and maybe he didn't tell you as he didn't want to raise any alarm bells for you unnecessarily.

But question I guess is, "you're" his partner; "you're" the one showing the love, support and kindness and wanting to be there to help him, but he's not taking up this offer.

Did you happen to see her leaving the house, or something?

Kind regards

Neil

Jacmac58 · ‎18-03-2015

Hi

he said he didn't tell me because he knew I would react poorly. I just feel like he doesn't trust me enough to share it with me.

Yes, I saw her leaving the house and asked him about her. All of this has caused a big argument, I've tried hard not to cause him to be ashamed about his condition but I am very hurt that he would choose to share with someone else. I know gender shouldn't be an issue but it is.

I just don't think I trust him either.

JessF · ‎19-03-2015

Hello Jacmac, can I just backtrack a little because I'm confused. He had a breakdown and you had a big fight 3 months ago, which you say was caused by him, and yet YOU were asked to move out? And you are still living separately?

Jacmac58 · ‎19-03-2015

Hi Jess

Yes, that is correct. He owns the house. He owned it before we met 3 years ago.

He said he needed to be alone, so one of us had to leave.

He offered to move out of the house, however I decided that if this was the only way, I would move out.

At the time I was very angry with him, I did not want to stay at the house if he was not going to be there.

i hope that makes some sort of sense.

Jac

JessF · ‎19-03-2015

Ah. This may not be what you want to hear, but for some reason, it appears that he feels that he cannot share what he is going through with you, perhaps because he feels that you won't be able to understand it.

This can be common for those of us experiencing depression or anxiety, but it appears that your relationship is being slowly corroded. First by not living together, and now by him confiding in someone else. I may be stereotyping men here, but it seems a little suspicious to me that it is a woman he is confiding in. If it was another man, he'd probably be more likely to catch up with him down at the pub.

Once the trust starts to go in a relationship, then it takes a concerted effort on both parts to get it back.

Jacmac58 · ‎21-03-2015

He shares what he is going through with me usually via text message. Is it just a case of him being embarrassed to share with me? I don't understand? Does anyone understand what an ill partner is going through.

He has explained the situation of the woman to me. I won't go into it because I am trying to decide how I feel about it and whether I am ok with it.

Might see him once a week and he does talk to me about what he is feeling. But once a week doesn't feel like enough to me. I feel like I spend most of my time trying to see him in person but he either ignores the requests or says that he can't see me, he's not worthy, he can't understand why I would want to see him.

My frustration with him has made me lash out and say some hurtful things. I know this is not helpful. I am wasting time trying to get him to see my point of view.

His phone is off again. I'm not as scared about it as last time. I'm just angry at him now.