Supporting family and friends

Pinned discussions

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

•

15-07-2016

•

41 unread

All discussions

Sorted by:

Start a conversation

Is my husband depressed?

replies: 6

We have a 15-month old daughter (conceived after years of IVF), and both my husband and I have really struggled with new parenthood since her birth. My own feelings, I think have been pretty normal as a new mum with feeding issues - anxiety, overwhelmed and very teary for the first six months. But my husband (who isn't really the most optimistic or patient person) has found life very hard, although I don't think he is aware of how much his overall demeanor and moods have an affect on me. Emotionally he has been absent, at a time when I really needed him to be supporting me. While he admits to being "too old, too selfish" and blames that for his slow adjustment to fatherhood, he claims to not be depressed. He gets very stressed when our daughter cries and gets frustrated with the demands of looking after her. I feel like the burden of her care is on me most of the time. I could handle the daily grind with a toddler much better if my husband was in a better place and we could share the load and try to enjoy life a bit more. But I think he is depressed. He has no energy, is always in a bad mood, rarely smiles or laughs and doesn't seem to find joy in any activities any more. At my suggestion he has seen our GP who discussed a few options with him, none of which he has pursued. What more can I do? I feel so emotionally exhausted, and I am unhappy being with someone who is so unhappy. It is dragging me down. I can't keep being "Happy" for all of us. Is this normal? Should I insist on him going back to our GP? Am I over reacting?

How do I help someone who cant seem to even try to help themselves?

replies: 14

Hi... its my first time here and I am at a complete loss as to what to do next with my sister... I have tried various things to help her for years which have helped on the short term but then she has just sunk deeper into her depression... Various reasons and causes for her depression as there usually is - and as much as she says everything she knows we want to hear, it has recently come to light how bad her depression is and she has willingly and gladly allowed her 3 children to have come to stay with me so that she could have some time to deal with things and get some proper professional help so she could start healing properly... Now as much as I am well aware this will take time, it has now already been nearly 3 months that I have had the children with me and my own 2 kids, (I have moved them schools and started counselling etc) and yet the only thing she has done is get referrals. She has missed every appoinment, taken herself off her meds, and told me that she doesnt think she is the best thing for her kids - to which I am adamant she is absolutely is, once she is happy and healthy and functioning again... She has talked about just up and disappearing without a word, as well as more serious worries... she needs help... but everywhere I turn I am told she has to seek help for herself - but she obviously cant bring herself to do that... she has spent sooooo many years hiding how damaged and broken she is, she cant bring herself to admit it to anyone... she can say the words she thinks I want to hear... but they are empty and very quickly followed by random irrational excuses that she feels justify everything... If it is a severe case of depression that is the root of everything then surely there is some way to help her?? I think she needs a live in hostel/refuge/rehab type situation to kickstart her lifestyle and routines etc... she needs someone to answer to (that is the only time she feels safe and secure because she knows what is expected of her etc)... left to her own devices she is just behaving like a 15yr old who switches off when you say anything that doesnt suit her or sticks her headphones in her ears so she can forget the rest of the world exists... it is like a big regression that has slowly worsened over the past 5 years... ...sigh... anyways... i have my hands full... and i dont know what I can do to help her any more than I already have...

Partner: Does depression come in cycles? Am I a burden?

replies: 2

Hi everyone! I was hoping for some advice about depression / anxiety that my partner is experiencing.He's a lovely man. But, I stuggle to understand his illness and how I can support him. He has been on medication for two years and has been doing quite well. He has seen a psychologist aswell and had some good assistance.Lately, he feels he has fallen back into his old ways and the same feelings/emotions from the past are coming back. He is still on the same dosage of medication (I don't think I can say the name, but its a common one with a single dose). He has become extremely tired, unmotivated and withdrawn (are these similar feelings others have experienced?). He feels guilty because he can't stay awake when I'm around or want to do things with me.The doctor hasn't changed his medication and I was wandering if this is just a relapse that will pass and he will become good again? How long does a depression period last? He did switch his roster two five mornings a week doing 4am starts which I think has something to do with it.I feel i'm more of a burden to him now than any help and support. His friends see a different person than I do. I am confused. Jamine

How to proceed with break up?

replies: 5

Hi all, I'm stuck in a stressful situation and could use any advice.I have been dating my girlfriend for a bit over a year now. Things had been great for the first couple of months, but my girlfriend broke up with me because she "couldn't have a boyfriend" at the time. Days later, she came back and we got back together after some discussion. Normally I would stand my ground and not take her back, but she also suffers from mild depression so I chalked it up to her mental health and a moment of instinctual thinking.However, in the ensuing nine months, she's broken up with me more than a dozen times - literally, 12 at least - whenever she hasn't gotten her way. Again, she comes back almost immediately and I take her back every time out of consideration of her mental health. I'm not the best boyfriend, I admit, but there's clearly a pattern here.She broke up with me AGAIN about a month ago, and it wasn't until this time I decided that by now it was purely intended to manipulate and control me. I was going to hold her accountable. We didn't speak until about a week ago, and I told her that I'm not going to carry on like this unless she seeks some kind of therapy.She refused, so I said fine, enough is enough. No more mind games, no more relationship. Surely this sparked a huge emotional uproar that ended with me rushing to her apartment where she was drunk, had pills out on the table, and what appeared to be suicide notes on her laptop. I talked her out of it, though I am still not quite sure if this was going to be a real suicide attempt or just another threat to get me to comply. I got the impression that she planned on me showing up and finding her like that.This is where I need help. I want out, but she's holding me hostage on the premise that she'll take her life if our relationship is really over. I've tried again and again to convince her to seek help, and she continually refuses. I don't know how seriously to take her threats and how to move forward in general.Thanks so much for listening. I've been holding this in for some time now and it feels great just to get it out.

My partner suffers anxiety and I think he wants to break up because he feels he can't provide a great relationship for us

replies: 4

Have been with my partner for 4 years, I have always been aware that he is always stressed out due family, work, financial and life pressure. Though he never speaks of it he suffers anxiety - I have always been patient with him in the relationship because I know there are deep down issues, I have never pressured the issue of long term status, where we are going etc (though everyone else around us has been putting the pressure on) because even I don't know myself sometimes. We've experienced a communication breakdown recently and felt as though we have been drifting apart and after a very tense day together recently it opened the doors that we needed to talk. He has told me that he has been skirting the issue of where we are going long term and finally came clean after our tense day. He finally admitted to his anxiety and as we are both introverts we understand the need of alone time. For that reason he wanted me to know that long term, he wants to be alone - living alone, not married,so that he can deal with his stresses and life and wanted me to understand that it would mean we wouldn't be getting married or moving in together and that the time we spend in our relationship (we only see each other once a week) wouldn't change. Is that what I wanted?? I know that all relationships hit rough patches, I suffer the same pressures of marriage/kids but I want the same as him because even I haven't pushed us into going further. I especially don't want to walk away from a great relationship, especially at a time when he needs support for his anxiety and the pressures going on around him, but I can't help but feeling if maybe our relationship is also a burden for him and I drew the short straw of things what he needs to cull from his life. We have only had that initial talk and plan to see each other again soon to further discuss. As I never wanted kids anyway and I am a part time carer for my mother the whole idea of NOT moving our relationship forward the society expects us to is actually good for me too. I'm sick of people judging and saying that he is the selfish one, I should dump him etc but every relationship is different. I knowof similar situations (friends mum has been dating her partner for 30 years - live separately, see each other weekends). Though I also don't know if this is his way out bailing out by putting it on me. Can I get thoughts on this?? My gut says that this is something that should be worked through and not walk away from.

Teenage daughter with anxiety who has anger outbursts

replies: 1

I have a 16 year old daughter who is seeing a psychologist for anxiety. It seems to be helping...When she is feeling anxious she without warning gets into a rage and becomes verbally very abusive. At the moment my husband is very stressed at work so he is finding our daughter's outbursts difficult to handle and unfortunately is not helping calm the situation, and he is getting very angry also. My daughter says or rather screams very hurtful abuse -which after the event I know she doesn't mean- but during an attack I am getting very upset and feel so alone. I know how stressful the last years of school can be, I'm just hoping someone has been through a similar situation and can tell me how they coped. Thank you

loved one

replies: 3

Hi all, my loved one of 2 years often experiences episodes of anxiety and self-doubt. These episodes are often at their worst when there is a change in routine and especially when I am not with her. Just the other week, I had one of my best friends birthdays of which was an all-boys affair. At first she seemed fine with me being away from her but once I was gone she became very distraught. She was reliving past experiences that are at the root of her anxiety to the point where she felt ill. Obviously I left the event as soon as I could ( I was away for about 2.5 hours) to be by her side as all I want to do is make her happy as she means the world to me. I have always made the upmost effort to make sure she is involved in as much of what I do as possible. For example, I recently was in London on a business trip which I got her to come along to. However as we all know there will be times in the future when I can’t involve her in everything I do. I plan on being with this girl forever and I want to make these times are as less frequent and difficult for us both. Do you have any suggestions on being able to handle these situations?

Trying to understand, what do i do?

replies: 4

This is my first time posting. My wife has battled with depression for as long as i have known her, lately it has been getting worse so much worse that is affecting our marriage and our 3 year old son. As all couples do we have small arguments every now and then but they are beginning to become more frequent and she is starting to snap at everything with both myself and our beautiful boy. I have tried as hard as i can to be understanding but it is very hard not knowing exactly what she is going through. I tell her that i am here for her but she doesn't believe me and wont talk to me about her issues/feelings. I have mentioned to her numerous times that i am concerned about her health but she just keeps saying "stop using my mental health against me" i have told her that i will help her in anyway i can but i feel she needs to see a professional. She keeps pushing me away what can i do to help without offending her before it ruins our relationship completely. Please help

How to help somebody who can't see they have a problem

replies: 1

I've never done this before but myself and my whole family feel pushed to the brink at the moment. My father has always had a drinking problem, even as a child I can remember he'd have a few cans of beer every night after work. In the past few years though this has definitely escalated, he put a tv in the garage and would sit out there every night, isolated from the family, most times not even coming in to eat dinner with us, he'd just hide away in the shed and drink while watching tv. This became the norm, and even though we all knew he probably drunk more than he should we sort of just accepted it... Occasionally he would have a blow up over stupid, irrelevant things like the dishes not being done & a messy kitchen when he finally comes in from the garage into the house. These blow ups would become more frequent, always after he'd had especially too much to drink, and although they were never physical, i'm very aware they would classify as emotional and mental abuse, particularly towards my mother and I. I can't help but feel a loathing towards him and his drinking, even though the vast majority of the time he was a kind and loving father. Many times my mother has threatened to leave him, but feels trapped with what would happen to the house and how she could possibly support herself and her two children on her own. After these confrontations and discussion him drinking too much he would slow down on the drinking for a couple of days and be really loving and overly happy, but it would all end up back in the same place again with another blow up in a few weeks or months. About 6 months ago he was made redundant, and since then has only been helping out a friend with a painting business and earning less wage than myself as a 20 year old employee at a supermarket. The drinking has upped even more since then and on saturday he had a confrontation with the neighbours over loud music at their party, he went over highly intoxicated and got assaulted violently. It was absolutely horrific seeing him battered like that. My family is just at a whits end, he's admitted that alcohol is the only 'vice' he has and I just don't know what to do as it is clear to all of us he is depressed. I just don't see him ever admitting to that and getting help, or letting us help him as he shuts us out so dismissively. My heart breaks as I can see the toll the strain has on my mother and sister as well as myself, but I just dont know what I can do to make the situation better.

Needing advice

replies: 1

Hi, this is my first time writing on the forum but really hoping for some advice. My partner of 3 years was diagnosed with depression about a year ago. He doesn't have it severely but will have a depressive episode probably once every two months, because of this he isn't on any medication and his doctor is trying to work with him through it. His depression often is caused by feeling inadequate and concerns that he doesn't treat me right and i will leave. Having said that he is the most amazing person I've ever met and love him deeply and have no intention of ever leaving him. However, recently (while not having a depressive episode) he snapped at me… it didn't lead to a fight, i just said i didn't appreciate being spoken to like that. This caused him to feel horrible and apologise but it has sparked a depressive episode. I don't know what to do, I know that a healthy relationship must be honest and open when things like this arise but i can't help but feel guilty that this has caused him to feel so down. I hate seeing him like this, he deserves so much happiness. My main hope is someone can help me for the future, so i know how to act when something like this happens. I know every relationship will have disagreements but how do I deal with this when I'm so scared that it'll spark his depression, but at the same time I want to be open when something has upset me and vice versa? Thanks so much in advance!

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Is my husband depressed? replies: 6

How do I help someone who cant seem to even try to help themselves? replies: 14

Partner: Does depression come in cycles? Am I a burden? replies: 2

How to proceed with break up? replies: 5

My partner suffers anxiety and I think he wants to break up because he feels he can't provide a great relationship for us replies: 4

Teenage daughter with anxiety who has anger outbursts replies: 1

loved one replies: 3

Trying to understand, what do i do? replies: 4

How to help somebody who can't see they have a problem replies: 1

Needing advice replies: 1