Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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What to do when somebody refuses point blank that they have a problem?

replies: 3

Anyone been through this & has any ideas? My 23 yr old son is verbally abusive & has mental health issues but refuses help or admit that he needs it. He will not discuss the matter .Not been diagnosed. Have tried & begged for him to talk to me but he just screams at me. He doesn't work, has driven out his twin brother because of his violent physical bullying. He has some very compulsive behaviours, hoarding, non stop on line purchasing, doing things a certain number of times & has physical meltdowns when he is stressed, not bathing for a week at a time, refusing to sleep in his room - I could go on. Have called the police & ambos many times but they always declined a DVO on my behalf- He doesn't drink or take drugs.Sometimes he really scares me. They say they cannot force an assesment on him. He has all but taken himself off the grid - no proper id or mobile not a single friend. I am confined to my bedroom because every room is now full of rubbish & rats & roaches. My father was desperate to help me & gave him fair warning that if he didn't clean up within a certain time frame he would do it. My father made good on the promise - I told my dad about how obsessed he was with his "stuff" but I came home to find he had dumped everything & he spiraled into a complete meltdown- screaming, wailing, abusing 24 hrs a day.. I was so desperate, that 4 days ago that I took a civil DVO but the police have still not served it despite me calling them. I'm so distraught because he has nowhere to go & my family will help him anymore. Now, I am depressed & anxious - I no longer have a permanent Dr & it is all med centre Drs who tell me to lose weight & exercise (which I do) but don't hear me out about my son, They offer me 1 day off work & cannot get any proper time off work & cannot afford to lose my job (my employer is not very supportive) & am in a financial hole from yrs of trying to deal with this..My physical health is failing.I am almost estranged from my other child as he wants me to choose a child. I am just so frightened for him but have tried every mental health & legal ave.Am physically ill with worry about what will happen when I throw him out. My cousin died alone when his parents stuck to tough love due to drug addiction & it haunted & broke them. He will not survive out on the streets - he has no coping skills. I feel so cruel but I am struggling to want to wake up every day.

My partner has anxiety and feelings of no self worth.

replies: 8

Hi,recently my partner and I started experiencing major issues in our relationship which led to arguments and eventually he told me the only way we could sort it out was by one of us moving out. So I did. He said he felt worthless and that he didn't deserve me. We have been separated for 2 months now. In the last few weeks he has sought help from a psychologist. I think this is a great step and I'm proud of him. But in the meantime I am stuck. I'm living intemporary accommodation with a pending move on the horizon. I feel unsettled and really just want to go home. He says he isn't ready. He experiences anxiety just thinking about it. He says he needs to fix himself so we can be better. But not yet. I have suggested spending nights together sometimes but he says it makes him to anxious. I feel like he is pushing me away. We see each other once or twice a week but there is no intimacy in the relationship. He has said that he wants to be better or on the road to being better with strategies to cope with his problems before we can really be together again. I understand this, think it's rational but it makes me so angry. I've stressed that I just want to be involved in helping him but I don't understand how he expects to fix our relationship without involving me. I just feel further and further away from being part of it. I have suggested breaking up but he says he doesn't want that. He gets so upset. We argued last week and he self harmed. I'm tearing my hair out trying to work out what to do. But I don't want to stress him out further. I love him, I want to be with him but I think he's pushing me away whilst trying to keep me on a long string, not intending for us to be together properly again. I am angry. He also cancels plans to meet up on me all the time, which makes me furious. All we ever do is spend an hour or 2 together talk a bit and go our separate ways. Nothing gets resolved. I want to know if anyone has had a similar experience and how they coped with it. My anger towards this situation is getting worse and I just don't know what to do. Thanks beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636. Normal 0 false false false EN-AU X-NONE X-NONE /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0cm 5.4pt 0cm 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0cm; mso-para-margin-right:0cm; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0cm; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi; mso-fareast-language:EN-US;}

Boyfriend is depressed, what can I do to help?

replies: 1

Hi, I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend (18 years old) and have realised that he is depressed. I am an Occupational therapist in training as well so i understand depression and the importance of seeking help! When we first started dating, things were fine but as the relationship progressed he would have breakdowns, saying that he didn't want to be in a relationship until he has the right mindset etc and he would say that "I'm just not as happy as I thought I would be" and that he didn't want to drag me down. He is mostly upset and verbally bashes himself up saying he's not good enough or nothing is right in his life and he wants to get over this by himself. His family have problems like any other as well, and he recently moved 2 hours away from all his friends (and me) and his grandparents who he is closer with than his parents. He just has the wrong mindset about life (everything is wrong) and I don't know where to start to help him, because he won't seek professional help at all because he doesn't really realise that depression IS a medical condition and serious. I'm scared that if i say something he will shut me out even more and I just want to be able to help and support him. What have you guys found helpful from your partners? What should I do? thankyou BB community for your help in advance!

Where is the line between being supportive and being taken advantage of?

replies: 10

My husband was diagnosed with depression and anxiety 9 years ago. He has been taking medication all this time, although with mixed results. He sees a psychiatrist on and off, has been more resistant to seeing a psychologist. He accepts his diagnosis, but doesn't accept/work within the limitations the illness creates. He gets snappy, grumpy and withdrawn. He has put our neighbours off-side. He starts household repairs/maintenance/renovations but doesn't complete any of them. He is unable to work. I bought a business 6 months ago in a effort to build some financial security for us and our 2 children (9 and 6). I barely keep up with washing, shopping and sometimes cleaning. He has started preparing one or 2 meals a week and gets the kids off to school, but apart from that does nothing. He watches TV and sleeps. Our yard is a mess - full of bits of "useful things" that he keeps for when he's going to fix that thing or make that whatever. And the grass/weed is up to our knees. I'm embarrassed to invite people to our house. It's not at the level that would see us on one of those TV shows about hoarders, but even he recognises that his thinking is a lot like the people you see on those shows. I'm at the point of paying someone to come in and clear everything out, but I want to show him respect at the same time. Am I being taken advantage of? We've talked about it - both calmly and not-so-calmly. Neither approach helps and the not-so-calmly option usually causes him to shut down, so is worse than doing nothing. All feedback will be welcome.

Do I tell?

replies: 6

My partner suffered with Post traumatic Stress prior to me meeting him (approx 7 years ago) He has recently (last 2-3 months) been a bit snappy and not really sleeping well at all and has admitted to me that he knows his triggers and they are present, also and almost immediately told me very clearly that he didnt want me to say anything to anyone. I understand that his workplace although it recognises PTS it does not deal well with it and he wants to keep it all on the down-low as there is much stigma attached with PTS suffers in his profession. So, do I do anything, Do I leave it to him (note above mentioned convo happend approx 4 weeks back) or do I maybe say something to a friend of his who works in the same industry so they can look out for him and support him. Or should I just stick my nose out of it and be grateful that he felt comfortable enough to say anything at all?

Long distance boyfriend not dealing with issues. Says he's too stressed to see a dr at the moment

replies: 19

Hi I'm in a relationship with an amazing man. We are only 5 months in and he has confessed he is suffering from depression. He has gone to see a GP and has chosen to try a mental health plan instead of medication. His bloods showed liver damage, so he was referred for an ultra sound. When it came to the day of the appointment he was going to cancel until I persisted he go. That night he drank a lot. I was lucky enough to have the week with him and it started out great. We ate healthy, went walking and even had a date night. Then it went downhill. He drank, he slept, he ignored me, there was no intimacy. I tried to talk to him but he's too embarrassed to express to me what's going on. So I suggested he see a counsellor to which he refused saying he's too stressed. He's searchjng for a place to live and it hasn't been easy but there are options but it's all too hard for him to deal with. But as we are only new and I live 1000km away he will not allow me to help. I'm concerned without me nudging in a positive way that he will regress and go mute and non functioning again. It hurts me very much that I can't help and that I feel after three or four days that I'm in his way and am better off leaving him alone. Yet when I've asked he's said no not at all. I do all the housework and run errands etc while I'm there to try to make his day less hectic so we can do fun stuff but he never notices or wants to do anything other than drink together. I'm trying my best to stay positive but without communication, trust and intimacy I'm wondering why I'm still here.

Post High School Depression?

replies: 2

My son is 18 and will be 19 in a few months. He finished Year 12 last year and hasn't been at school since last October. I thought it was fair enough he needed a few months off, but now he seems to have slipped into a depression and it is getting worse and worse. He's a smart, lively, charming and very sociable guy but now he spends nearly all day in his room with the door closed in bed with the blinds down watching movies or on his phone on Facebook. He ocassionally goes out on the weekends to parties with his mates but that's it. He's made virtually no attempt to look for work or other education. I know he's scared in this transition but he virtually won't talk at all. I've tried to help, doing up CVs , trying to look for jobs etc. and have suggested going to a psychologist/counsellor./doctor etc . but he just get's furious at anything I suggest. Now he is saying stuff that is really concerning me. .like "F... it all", " I don't give a F:" even about his family who he loves dearly. I' just don't know what to do. He's totally unreachable and it's breaking my heart.

Depressed Partner Pushing Me Away - Broke up?

replies: 2

Hi everyone, I'm struggling to deal with my partners anxiety/depression. We have been together for about a year. I noticed some changes in him around Christmas when he became very tired, unmotivated, negative thoughts on himself and distant I suggested we go to the doctor and have a chat and he was diagnosed with depression. I suggested we speak to a psychologist and my partner and doctor thought that would be great. I was not aware at the time he had previously been on medication for this. My partner went onto the consultation and when he returned told me he no longer wanted a relationship with me and it has to end. He felt too guilty because he wasn't feeling himself and just couldn't feel motivated / energized. Its gone from a loving and caring relationship to its all over in a space of a month. I want to be there, but I just feel pushed away. He won't accept any support from me and wishes to not see me anymore. I want to be there as a friend but he doesn't want me too. Its been a month now since I have seen him.

How do you support a partner with severe anxiety, depression and a chronic illness?

replies: 14

This is my first time posting here. My boyfriend of two years has been having really severe breakdowns over the past few days and I'm just getting so exhausted. I'm exhausted because I'm doing my best to support him but there's only so much I can do. Last week he missed out on a job interview. He's currently unemployed. He had to drop out of uni last year because of his anxiety impeding on his ability to complete assignments which would trigger his Crohn's Disease. He's gained a lot of weight. He wants to lose it but it's hard because having Crohn's disease means an inflexible and limited diet. We recently joined the gym together with a personal trainer but everytime we discuss it, he gets upset at how "fat and ugly" he is and that he will never lose weight. He wants to be active but having a chronic illness means being easily fatigued. He keeps calling himself worthless, that he "sucks" and that he's not worthy to have someone like me. He cries as he wants me to be there for him, to hold him and support him but scared that I secretly want to leave him because he thinks he's too difficult to manage. He thinks back to all the times of friends and family (his father left him when he was a teenager) leaving him or no longer speaking to him because he's so "difficult". Today he wanted to commit suicide. Waking up from a very deep sleep (woke up at 5pm), he started crying because it meant being late to a meet up that we had organised that evening, at how messed up his sleeping patterns were, asking why can't he be a normal person, and again saying that "you deserve better". Hearing him and seeing him like this is breaking my heart to the point that I am in physical pain. I am so beyond upset. That someone I love is feeling this way. I feel I cannot help. I want him to seek help (whether it be through professional means or with other friends) but at times he interprets it as I'm pushing him away and that it's too much for me to handle. He has been diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression since he was a teenager. I knew of this prior to us being in a relationship. He is currently taking antidepressants and is seeing a psychiatrist once a month. I feel this is not enough. I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I've always wanted to talk to friends about this but I'm afraid they will tell me to leave him. I don't want to leave him but I feel like I'm suffering too. I know I cannot force him to do anything but I cannot just sit and do nothing.

Trying to help my partner overcome "spot" depression

replies: 3

My partner was married for 24 years and separated from his wife almost 2 years ago after she left him for a fling with a younger guy (which, incidentally didn't work out - she was doing the chasing but in the end the younger guy wasn't interested). Anyway, to back track a little, my partner suffered from depression for a number of years up until they separated as they had a very ordinary relationship that was kept together by the fact they had 4 children. He was on anti-depressants for about 4 years I think. We met each other 7 months ago and are madly in love - neither of us have ever felt so happy before in our lives and are inseparable. We don't live together but whatever time we do spend together is quality time talking and enjoying each others company. Life for both of us couldnt get better in this regard. As soon as we met he told me he stopped taking anti depressants as he said there was no need for them he was that happy. The reason I am posting here for some help however, is that over these 7 months of our relationship he has had a handful of 'down' days which occur maybe once a month. They come out of the blue and he will suddenly get paranoid that I am going to have an affair behind his back so he becomes really really sad, withdrawn etc. He agrees that he has no reason to think this will happen (I am completely 1000% devoted to him and would quite honestly never do such a thing - I love him more than I have loved anyone before in my life and I am/we are just incredibly happy) but I suspect his past history isn't helping. He tells me when he has these bad days that he just loves me so much and is just so scared I will find someone younger (he is 51 and I am 41) and that I will have an affair behind his back. When we discuss the fact that I have never done anything to give him reason to doubt me being faithfully he says "I know and I agree but I just don't trust anyone and cant help but worry that you will find someone else". He has a very low self esteem and I would love to help build that if I can. He is the most wonderful, genuine, caring man. He is attractive and confident but inside he still suffers from depression from time to time. I even had his name tattooed across my back to show my commitment to him (I hate tattoos!!). Can anyone offer any ways I can help him please??

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

What to do when somebody refuses point blank that they have a problem? replies: 3

My partner has anxiety and feelings of no self worth. replies: 8

Boyfriend is depressed, what can I do to help? replies: 1

Where is the line between being supportive and being taken advantage of? replies: 10

Do I tell? replies: 6

Long distance boyfriend not dealing with issues. Says he's too stressed to see a dr at the moment replies: 19

Post High School Depression? replies: 2

Depressed Partner Pushing Me Away - Broke up? replies: 2

How do you support a partner with severe anxiety, depression and a chronic illness? replies: 14

Trying to help my partner overcome "spot" depression replies: 3