My partner suffers anxiety and I think he wants to break up because he feels he can't provide a great relationship for us

[Shyelle185]

Have been with my partner for 4 years, I have always been aware that he is always stressed out due family, work, financial and life pressure. Though he never speaks of it he suffers anxiety - I have always been patient with him in the relationship because I know there are deep down issues, I have never pressured the issue of long term status, where we are going etc (though everyone else around us has been putting the pressure on) because even I don't know myself sometimes. We've experienced a communication breakdown recently and felt as though we have been drifting apart and after a very tense day together recently it opened the doors that we needed to talk.

He has told me that he has been skirting the issue of where we are going long term and finally came clean after our tense day. He finally admitted to his anxiety and as we are both introverts we understand the need of alone time. For that reason he wanted me to know that long term, he wants to be alone - living alone, not married,so that he can deal with his stresses and life and wanted me to understand that it would mean we wouldn't be getting married or moving in together and that the time we spend in our relationship (we only see each other once a week) wouldn't change. Is that what I wanted??

I know that all relationships hit rough patches, I suffer the same pressures of marriage/kids but I want the same as him because even I haven't pushed us into going further. I especially don't want to walk away from a great relationship, especially at a time when he needs support for his anxiety and the pressures going on around him, but I can't help but feeling if maybe our relationship is also a burden for him and I drew the short straw of things what he needs to cull from his life.

We have only had that initial talk and plan to see each other again soon to further discuss. As I never wanted kids anyway and I am a part time carer for my mother the whole idea of NOT moving our relationship forward the society expects us to is actually good for me too. I'm sick of people judging and saying that he is the selfish one, I should dump him etc but every relationship is different. I knowof similar situations (friends mum has been dating her partner for 30 years - live separately, see each other weekends). Though I also don't know if this is his way out bailing out by putting it on me.

Can I get thoughts on this?? My gut says that this is something that should be worked through and not walk away from.

[Neil_1]

Hi Shyelle

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for providing your post.

From an outsiders point of view, I cannot see a thing wrong with how everything is going along for you both;   and for how you both want your futures to be – of course, that’s if I’ve read it correct.

I’m understanding your partner wants no further or major commitment and that he is happy with going along with you “as is”.

Then I’ve read that you said you want the same as him, as you haven’t pushed for the relationship to going further.

To me, I smile and say “Beauty, that is perfect as you both want the same thing”.

Now if you’re really concerned that you feel the relationship is a burden on him, then I’d simply ask him – but I would be totally shocked if he said yes it was.  I mean, it’s a different kind of relationship as it is (that you only see each other once a week), which is most different from so many other relationships;  but you’ve both found that it works for you both and that’s what matters most.

NOW, what DOESN’T matter one bit are other people.   Yes yes, the judging of the both of you, the calls of “when are wedding bells sounding”, or “perhaps the sound of tiny feet”.  To me, that 2nd one I never understood – cause babies don’t exactly jump out of their bassinet and start running around.  I always greeted that 2nd line with:  “Yes, the sound of tiny running feet will be heard soon”.    They’d say, “Oh congratulations, when’s it due”.   I’d say:  “In about 2 weeks time, it’s a little tan and white kelpie”.

See each other once a week;   enjoy each other’s company and continue doing what you’re doing into the future and beyond.  Sounds perfectly good to me.

Now I hope this response is correct, in that being correct means, I’ve read and understood your post properly … but I go to your last line where you said you have concerns about something needing to be worked through, which has me a bit confused.

Would love to hear back from you on this.

Kind regards

Neil

[Shyelle185]

Thanks Neil, nice to find someone not telling me to ditch him and find someone better. Been reading forums & it's a relief that I am not going thru this alone too I really want to work thru this with him.

i am somewhat sad that he doesn't want the full commitment with me, tho I find the idea of marriage and 24/7 cohabitation daunting. as a realist, I know the first Q I would ask is how the "logistics" work - how do we have our own quiet time, what do we do when we get on nerves etc I guess I always thought I would not end up alone. I do enjoy that our unusual relationship gives us distance but also quality time (not just quantity) together.

we spent our usual Saturday night last weekend. he didn't want to talk talk, just wanted a fun night together. seemed quite normal and routine, though he still seems less talkative and a bit nervous.

what I haven't mentioned before is a few weeks ago I accidentally found a self help workbook he was doing on facing fears. One Q stood out "In this situation I will nod and say yes" His 3 answers were about handling criticism, problems at work and the last - "end of relationship, need to start over again" THAT freaked me out! I don't know what that means and I don't want to confront him incase he thinks I was snooping.

Does he not want to continue with me esp with no intention of long term? I see now how he's very introverted, spends time meditating, goes to lunch, beach, movies, runs etc alone. We've been on 3 major o/s holidays travel well together and he would disappear for hours to have him time. Last year he went to India alone for 3 weeks for Yoga and travel. It was a sore spot for me (didn't like him being away that long) esp as he didn't take his phone and was uncontactable (he does that a lot too - phone off)

I am seeing the error of my ways that I may have been needy and demanding of his time & energy and am working on myself to make changes. Our relationship was always amazing, he always worked at spoiling me. I get the honeymoon period  is over but since he's back from India is very withdrawn (no intimacy either) and now I start putting all these pieces together and wonder what is wrong! He complains about his finances too since our last holiday wiped his savings, redrawn the mortgage, but has his feelings for me changed, why put yourself through so much financially and time like that if there was no future intentions.

anymore thoughts on this and how to approach/ deal with him would be appreciated. 

[Shyelle185]

Been a while since I updated this post, but I have been trying to give my partner some space and support as we both had a "think" about our last talk.

I thought he was slowly coming out of this as last week he started calling and texting me for once, very chatty and happy.

Though a couple of days ago he pulled the plug on the relationship and I am really confused about what he was saying. Surely it was the anxiety talking. I was in shock, I physically couldn't speak, he told me to give it a week, think about it and we'll talk again. Then he sent me a text the next morning asking if I was OK?

So, what he said is that I was perfect and I should be with someone who is more extroverted to make me happy. He said the last 4 years he has been putting on an "act" to impress me, make me happy because he cared deeply for me, I deserved the best but it was getting hard for him keeping up appearances. He also thought we had nothing to talk about - our TV nights and movies was a cover, a place he didn't feel the pressure of converstaion. So going broke taking me on overseas holidays, spoiling me - everything - AN ACT? 4 YEARS OF IT!!. I DON'T BELEIVE IT! He said his real self was a shy, introverted, anxious guy who never had any luck with women and he just wants to be alone now and maybe he should also try to find someone who is extroverted (I'm a solid introvert myself) to bring him into line????

I continue to go low on the contact and keep offering him my support. I tried to tell him that I have been researching anxiety and want to help him whereever he needs it. He told me that he appreciates that I tried to make changes to myself over the past weeks - apparently I was too needly, clingly, indecscive and passive which I am more aware of now and have made changes to some of my behaviours. I am trying to look after myself too and have engaged a new hobby, caught up with friends more and I am already feeling more healthier, positive and happier (there is one good outcome here).

He is the love of my life, I think after 4 years I know him well or he has done some serious damage to his own mental health to be like that for me. I've stuck by him, I've seen his tremors, known about his medication (I've even seen the beyondblue magnet on his fridge). I've known he's not perfect, no one is, I know that overseas holidays and the luxury attention would not last a lifetime and the honeymoon period was over, but I chose to stick by him.

Any thoughts please!

[JessF]

Hello Shyelle, I can't read minds in this situation, but I don't believe it's implausible that someone could be 'not themselves' in a relationship. Many people lead double lives for years and years, for example, people who come out as gay after being married (I am not saying this is the case here, but just using it as an example).

I can identify with his thoughts about wanting to be alone and not seeing himself in a relationship; I am one of those people myself. His anxiety could have peaked because he has realised about 4 years that this is where he needs to be in order to be happy, and is devastated about hurting you. If he's known this for some time, he could be feeling incredibly guilty and the overseas holidays etc could have been a way of him compensating for that guilt.