Trying to understand, what do i do?

[Rardi]

This is my first time posting.

My wife has battled with depression for as long as i have known her, lately it has been getting worse so much worse that is affecting our marriage and our 3 year old son. As all couples do we have small arguments every now and then but they are beginning to become more frequent and she is starting to snap at everything with both myself and our beautiful boy. I have tried as hard as i can to be understanding but it is very hard not knowing exactly what she is going through. I tell her that i am here for her but she doesn't believe me and wont talk to me about her issues/feelings. I have mentioned to her numerous times that i am concerned about her health but she just keeps saying "stop using my mental health against me" i have told her that i will help her in anyway i can but i feel she needs to see a professional. She keeps pushing me away what can i do to help without offending her  before it ruins our relationship completely.

Please help

[Neil_1]

Hi there Rardi

Thank you for coming here and providing your post and welcome to Beyond Blue.

Ok, your post/situation is not an easy one as you probably already know.  This whole depression battle is such an evil thing and when it spreads out to affect our loved ones, it’s certainly not a good situation.

Your concern that she needs to seek professional help is a good one and that will be the key for her to help herself get better – because without the proper professional help (gp and counselling, psyches, and possible medication, plus a few other mechanisms) then the battle will just go on and on and on …

It sounds like she’s against even going to a gp?   What about if you offered to go with her (which can often be a good thing, as the partner can then pick up tips to help out as well).  BUT that is such a personal thing and by the sounds of it, I don’t think your wife would be too keen on you attending as well – but she may be ok for you to drive her there and just be in the waiting room while she has her appointment.  But that’s the big thing yeah – to get her to go without her getting the sense that you’re trying to push her to go.   And you can’t go saying anything about for the betterment of the family and your son, as she’ll no doubt call into play her:  “stop using my mental health against me”.

Ahh, but with her saying that, is that not a positive right there?  In that, she admits she has a problem?   So in that respect would she be willing to get to a gp by herself?

One last thing before I post this, is you mentioned that she has battled depression for a long time now – surely she’s already on medication from already having attended a gp?

Sorry, I have harped on the one thing in this post – I hope others may come along to voice their thoughts also.

And I do hope you can respond back when you get the opportunity.

Kind regards

Neil

[Rardi]

Thankyou Neil1 for your response.

I have offered to go with her to see her GP etc. She did go a few months ago to see her GP and asked to be referred to see a Councillor but nothing happened after that. She didn't go and see anyone.

We have been together for almost 5 years now but have known each other for over 10 years. Since we have been together she hasn't been on her meds and has been pretty good with out them until now, but refuses to go back on them saying she doesnt need them.

It hurts me to see her like this and to be on the receiving of anger and emotions, but it hurts more that she wont allow me to help as she thinks i am attacking her.

She tries to keep as distant as possible from me affectionately and emotionally unless there is some sort of anger behind it.

It is both frustrating and confusing i just don't know what to do.

[Prudence_A]

Hi Rardi,

I'm new here as well and my heart goes out to you as I Am in a similar position. It can be so heart-breaking seeing your partner go through this and also frustrating for us as carers when they won't get help. I feel like I'm walking on egg shells a lot of the time trying not to upset him. That really isn't going to help in the long run. I think there are times where we have to just let it go but only for small things. I haven't had any luck getting my partner to a GP yet and when I bring it up it often turns into a fight.  I have started to see a counsellor and find it helps to be able to talk openly to someone. 

Another thing I'm finding helpful is writing an email/letter to my partner. This way I can express my concern about his welfare without getting upset or angry and without any interruptions. 

I wish I could offer more advice. I really hope that things get better for you.

Prudence 

[Rardi]

Hi Prudence A,

Thank you for your insight i have been thinking about going to see a Councillor myself as i think it may help me understand more about the personal battles she fights on a day to day basis, I am hoping that this could help me deal with things more delicately and not say the wrong things that tend to make things worse.

I also find it easier to write a letter as it enables us to say what we need to say with out turning it into a fight. 

Thank you again its good to know i am not the only one in this sort or predicament, as well as upsetting at the same time that alot of people i could imagine would be going through the same issues.

The best thing is to get more awareness about support for all parties affected by depression and anxiety, this i believe would help  more people understand what others are going through.

 Rardi.