How to proceed with break up?

[Allan_F]

Hi all, I'm stuck in a stressful situation and could use any advice.I have been dating my girlfriend for a bit over a year now. Things had been great for the first couple of months, but my girlfriend broke up with me because she "couldn't have a boyfriend" at the time. Days later, she came back and we got back together after some discussion. Normally I would stand my ground and not take her back, but she also suffers from mild depression so I chalked it up to her mental health and a moment of instinctual thinking.However, in the ensuing nine months, she's broken up with me more than a dozen times - literally, 12 at least - whenever she hasn't gotten her way. Again, she comes back almost immediately and I take her back every time out of consideration of her mental health. I'm not the best boyfriend, I admit, but there's clearly a pattern here.She broke up with me AGAIN about a month ago, and it wasn't until this time I decided that by now it was purely intended to manipulate and control me. I was going to hold her accountable. We didn't speak until about a week ago, and I told her that I'm not going to carry on like this unless she seeks some kind of therapy.She refused, so I said fine, enough is enough. No more mind games, no more relationship. Surely this sparked a huge emotional uproar that ended with me rushing to her apartment where she was drunk, had pills out on the table, and what appeared to be suicide notes on her laptop. I talked her out of it, though I am still not quite sure if this was going to be a real suicide attempt or just another threat to get me to comply. I got the impression that she planned on me showing up and finding her like that.This is where I need help. I want out, but she's holding me hostage on the premise that she'll take her life if our relationship is really over. I've tried again and again to convince her to seek help, and she continually refuses. I don't know how seriously to take her threats and how to move forward in general.Thanks so much for listening. I've been holding this in for some time now and it feels great just to get it out.

[white knight]

Hi Allan F,  welcome here and glad you "got it out" of your system.

I think it is far too critical a decision for me to advise but I sympathise with your situation.

I think a doctor visit seeking referral to a counsellor purely for your benefit. Your ex girlfriend has that same opportunity if she seeks it.

In the meantime gradually drift away. Go interstate to relatives for a few weeks etc. But personally being emotionally blackmailed is wrong ...very wrong.

Tony WK

[Neil_1]

Hi there Allan

And like White Knight, I too would like to welcome you to Beyond Blue.

And again I’m no doc or professional in this respect, but when someone is contemplating suicide it is to be treated as very serious.

I think Tony’s advice of you seeking out your own professional help in how to deal with this situation is very good.

Perhaps even you posting to the ‘web chat’ people here at Beyond Blue (see details at the top of each page) or even the Crisis Line number for some advice or just support with this.

Take care Allan, and I hope you might be able to let us know how you get on  with this.

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear Allan, I am pleased that Tony and Neil have replied to you and what your girlfriend/ex is doing to you is forcing you to accept her terms by saying that she will do something drastic to herself, well firstly this is not how any relationship should be planned because basically in the long run it won't work out and I'm only making this comment as a responder here on this site, just as a friend would tell you.

She has done it 12 times in 9 months, and she is responsible in making her own decisions what ever they are, and yes we all hope that nothing happens, that's certainly not what we want her to do.

What you could do is to ring the police where she is taken to hospital under the mental act and then treat her there, whether she wants to accept it will depend on her being let out, although there could be a problem and that she then takes it out on you, so that's a fine line to chose, but if you seek help from your doctor then they will give you some choices to make.

There are lots for you to decide on, but being blackmailed is not the answer. Geoff.

[Allan_F]

Hi guys, thanks for the great advice. I actually sat down with her today and discussed the possibility of psychological treatment. Unfortunately, she doesn't want it, so I was pushed into making (my best attempt at) a clean break-up. I want to continue our relationship but I know that these episodes will also continue without some outside help, and like you all said, the blackmailing is not going to produce long-term improvement.

She texted me about an hour ago and said that she was "doing what she had to do to be happy." My first thought of course was hurting herself, so again I rushed over to the apartment. It turns out she was just dancing in the living room with her dog. She assured me she would be safe after I threatened to call the police and I left after checking cupboards for any harmful pills.

The thought of someone taking their life because of a decision I made has been hovering over my head since the first incident. I just want both of us to be able to move on. At the same time, I'm still very much concerned with her well-being - I feel like I walked away from the situation and carried with me the burden of being responsible for her continued mental health issues. She knows I'm going to come running whenever I feel she's in danger and I'm afraid that when I stop, she's actually going to do something. I'm just very stumped right now.

I've been trying very hard to not get the police involved but I think it's only a matter of time before I can no longer handle it on my own. I'm going to get in contact with a psychologist for myself this week.

Thanks again for the help Tony, Neil, and Geoff.

[JessF]

Hello Allan, this is such an awful situation but you have to believe you are doing the right thing. Unfortunately some people when they are mentally unwell can use suicide threats as a means of coping with their overwhelming emotions. This doesn't mean that they are attention seeking or that it shouldn't be taken seriously, but as hard as it is you have to remove the burden from yourself.

You are not responsible for her actions, despite what you may feel. You are trapping yourself in a cycle by making yourself responsible, and in the long run this will actually stop your girlfriend from finding more positive ways of coping with her feelings. 

I would recommend that if you get any serious threats in the future that you do call the police or the local mental health team. 

If it makes things any easier, then imagine what you would do if she rang you and told you she was having a heart attack. You would call the professionals.