How to respond to depressed texts

[OCDD]

Hi, I'm a newbie here. I'll try to make long story short, my sister-in-law (she's 32) has been diagnosed with depression. She has troubled childhood (verbally abusive, divorced parents) and 2 major events have happened in her life recently that she can't seem to deal. 

1. Trouble at work. She can't seem to keep jobs (she said she "can't concentrate" and therefore can't get any jobs done) and recently just quits again due to personal conflicts with her bosses. (They told her she's "weird"). 

2. Her long-term boyfriend broke up with her. However, she's still in denial of this and is trying to win him back.. Even though he hardly ever answers her calls/texts anymore. She doesn't want to accept the fact and therefore can't move on.  

She lives in another country so her primary form of communication with my husband is usually via instant text messages. I'm posting here because I really want to help my husband deal with her depressed texts. Almost every day, she would text him things like "No one loves me", "I'm so alone", "Nothing good in my life", or "I'm worthless". He understands that it's her depression talking.. But no matter how supportive he tries to be, her answer is always "you don't understand". It's very frustrating and I'm not sure what else he can do to help her? I don't want my husband to get depressed, too!

[Neil_1]

Dear ocdd

Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post – reaching out for not only your husband, but also your sister-in-law.

This is a tricky and difficult situation for all concerned.

The work situation sounded like possible harassment on her bosses behalf – I mean, referring to her as being “weird” is a bloody awful thing to be told and in a world, even today, where bosses seem to be able to get away with such crap treatment, it just isn’t right.  It’s the other person who suffers in so many respects.  And as a result, she would not be in the best frame of mind to be able to challenge or take this up with some kind of union either.

The boyfriend situation is another difficult one.

Where she is living, do they have no other sources of support – or moreover, does your sis-in-law have no other people to fall back upon??    I guess it all depends on how long they’ve been overseas for?

I wonder whether your husband instead of the texting arrangement can do a skype session with her and to try as best as he can to see if she is able to get to a doctor, because from all that’s been written it sure sounds like she is need of some professional help.  Is it not possible for her to come back to Australia for a while or is she kind of locked into staying where she is?

The only other thought I’ve had regarding constant texting would be to possibly say that he’s having trouble with his mobile phone and that he’s got to get it seen to by your provider – I know, that’s a very flakey excuse, but it’s all my brain can come up with at this time.

I do hope you can write back again.

Neil

[OCDD]

Dear Neil,Thank you so much for your input. As you said, it's a very difficult situation. It has been baby steps but we believe she is getting there. She has agreed to seek professional help (my husband has been encouraging her for a long time). She used to see a psychologist for a while a few years ago (talk therapy) but had stopped due to her work load, she said she had no time. Now she's back in treatment and just starts taking medication. We'll see. 

Re: her bosses, I agree it's such an awful thing to say to someone. We are actually thankful that she finally quits. She doesn't love the job anyway. So that's the end of one negative factor in her life. 

Re: her support system. This has been a big problem that I believe strongly contributes to her depression "outbursts". The only people she can talk to are one close girlfriend and my husband. She's not on good terms with the parents. (We actually believe her dad is suffering from chronic depression, as all the signs point to it, but he refuses to discuss it, let alone seeking help. Anyway, that's another story). So, whenever she talks to him, he usually feeds her with more "negativity" and we all know that does not help anyone in this situation.

Apart from texting, She also calls my husband at odd times, often very late at night, which he never picks up because he's sleeping (2-4 am). He would see those missed calls in the morning and then could only text her back because he  would have to go to work. We will try setting a specific time for FaceTime/Skype calls. Thanks for the idea!

We are actually here on my husband's work obligation and she's living in the same country as our family. She feels that she has no one to talk to. I totally understand her situation, but, frankly, my husband is not an "emotional garbage bin". It's starting to feel a lot like that...  

[Neil_1]

Hi there OCDD

Thanx heaps for your latest response – great to hear back from you.

That’s awesome to hear that your husband has been able to get through to her to go and seek out professional help  - with a combo of a psych AND meds, hopefully this will set her on a positive path for her immediate future.   I’m guessing she’s aware that taking meds that they don’t work straight away – they need some time in the system, before they begin to have full effect – usually around 5-6 weeks.  So if she’s hoping for a magical quick fix kind of solution, with these things, unfortunately, it just doesn’t happen.

And yes, awesome that she’s hopefully been able to put that awful job experience behind her – it may take some time before she fully gets over such a harsh and callous event, but with the right options being put forward to her, this will hopefully ease her stress about what happened.  Time is another good healer in regard to this as well.

So I’m guessing there’s no other siblings in close vicinity to where she is?  

Is the girlfriend that she has, here in Australia, or actually where she lives?

I guess what’s happening in the future hopefully will begin to change for you and your husband.   He says with fingers crossed (ps:  damn difficult to type with crossed fingers), as hopefully she’ll receive loads of benefits and advice from speaking with a psych and that may go a long way to easing up the contact she has with your husband.  What would be awesome if you were able to contact this psych somehow to let them know what she’s been up to, with late night/early hour phone calls and texts, because I’ll be she doesn’t mention this.

But still, there are some positives being put into place and the very fact that she’s willing to go along to seek out professional help is a big plus, well, I feel it is.

Again, please write back again;  would love to hear from you, to see if I can offer other thoughts/suggestions for you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Miss7]

i agree with everything neil1 has said.

they way i try to reply to texts like that is to be positive... not "i know you will get better one day" kind of way, but by being empathetic - validating her emotions. "i may not understand what your going through but i know its hard" "stay strong" "i believe in you" "even when you feel worthless, i believe you are not". i know how hard it is to remain positive, but i'm a firm believer in "if you say it enough times you will start to believe it".  

from my experience, a great sense of purpose can come from letting them know that they are needed rather than always needing others. this can be in small or big ways. what does / did she do for work? are their ways that you can validate her skills ?

also finding other ways to communicate rather than words - music, art, recommending an inspirational book?

hope this helps xx