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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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hazel23 Are my problems rubbing off on him?
  • replies: 1

My boyfriend of two years is starting to show signs of depression. He used to be so outgoing, all he says now is that his "spirit is broken" and he's got no passion.Similarly so do I. I fear he's becoming like me. He works in a factory and does so we... View more

My boyfriend of two years is starting to show signs of depression. He used to be so outgoing, all he says now is that his "spirit is broken" and he's got no passion.Similarly so do I. I fear he's becoming like me. He works in a factory and does so well to put up with that PLUS crazy old me who can't keep her life together. I don't know how to get his passion back (let alone mine). What are we/I supposed to do?? I'm destroying the only person who is strong enough to still care for me.

nessy61 Concerned for my boyfriend's depression
  • replies: 4

I've only been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a few months, but he has been very open to me about his past struggles with depression. I've noticed a change in personality over a last few weeks including his mood and behaviours changing and g... View more

I've only been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a few months, but he has been very open to me about his past struggles with depression. I've noticed a change in personality over a last few weeks including his mood and behaviours changing and growing distant from me. When i asked him whats wrong he told me that he is depressed again. I tried talking to him about it but he shuts down and tells me its better if no one mentions it and that it will just pass. He has self harmed in the past and I'm concerned that it will get to this point again. Does anybody with experience in this have any suggestions? Should I just leave him be like he is asking? I know I'm inexperienced but i just have a feeling that leaving it will make it worse... Thank you

Starsie Questioning marriage
  • replies: 4

Hi there, I'm feeling very lost at the moment so I am here hoping for some good advice. My normally loving, caring fiancé has had depression for a number of years, which he takes medication for. Our relationship has been fairly fast-paced, only meeti... View more

Hi there, I'm feeling very lost at the moment so I am here hoping for some good advice. My normally loving, caring fiancé has had depression for a number of years, which he takes medication for. Our relationship has been fairly fast-paced, only meeting in April last year and becoming engaged this February so this is the first time I have really experienced seeing him down. He has completely changed, becoming withdrawn, disinterested in life and for the past three weeks he has been questioning our relationship and if he wants to be with me. Sadly he is doing his absolute best to push me away and I am at a total loss of what to do. I want to be there for him to support him through this but no matter what I say or do I just seem to make the situation worse. I know I haven't handled things very well as I'm scared of losing him...I have lost my patience and snapped at him, said things I don't mean and put him down. All just adverse reactions to feeling helpless on my behalf I love this man with my whole heart....How do I fix this? Can anyone please tell me what to do to get him to start communicating with me again?

AnnieN Boyfriend with Anxiety and Depression
  • replies: 4

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. I love him like I've loved no one else. But from time to time he gets really low, and I've never had anyone close to me have anxiety or depression so I'm at a loss for what to do. I am a generally v... View more

My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 months. I love him like I've loved no one else. But from time to time he gets really low, and I've never had anyone close to me have anxiety or depression so I'm at a loss for what to do. I am a generally very positive happy person and despite anything life throws at me I push through it. So I really struggle to understand his moods sometimes. I just want to help. I give him love and support, but he will push me away, so I'll give him space, but he just retreats into himself even more. In the first few months of our relationship he was amazing, really loving and 'clingy' for lack of a better term. Occasionally he would have a couple of bad days but he seemed to manage them. But in the past month his mood has changed dramatically. He is working a lot more and bought a Playstation, so when he isn't at work he comes home and ignores me. When I approached him about it, he got angry, saying he has just been a bit low and Playstation is his release. Which I found odd because the first 7 months with no Playstation he was happier than he is now. I have heard that him pushing me away can be a cry for attention, so I'm trying to give him all I can give, but I either get pushed away or he barely even looks at me, it's like he isn't really there. When I say all I want to do is help him, make him happy, make him feel better, he just tells me there isn't anything I can do.

Adean Advice for daughter
  • replies: 2

My 21yr old daughter was in phsyc unit last year for anxiety, she has been fine but recently I'm seeing the signs again and I've tried to talk it through with her but she is getting really agitated and saying just give me my space . Don't know what t... View more

My 21yr old daughter was in phsyc unit last year for anxiety, she has been fine but recently I'm seeing the signs again and I've tried to talk it through with her but she is getting really agitated and saying just give me my space . Don't know what to do?

Love123 Boyfriend battling depression we just keep going backwards, what do I do? Please help
  • replies: 7

Hi first time on here but just looking for any advise that people have in what I can do and my situation possibly people that have been through depression and can help me understand or have advise on what I can do. When my partner and I first got tog... View more

Hi first time on here but just looking for any advise that people have in what I can do and my situation possibly people that have been through depression and can help me understand or have advise on what I can do. When my partner and I first got together he was very loving, your typical honeymoon fade of the relationship we had plans for our future and spoke a lot about the things we wanted together. In the last 6 months as we became more serious he began to open up about his struggles with depression the problem now is that as we get more serious he gets worse, we have spoken about it possibly being the commitment to a relationship that is giving him anxiety but he is adiment he wants to be together and just needs to work through it. He is active in trying to treat it and has spoken to doctors and is on medication but he wants to do it all on his own and just shuts me out when things get bad.. I feel I am constantly nagging him to spend time together otherwise I feel he would just stay at home but it has got to the point where he is too anxious to be at my house and we haven't spent a full day together in months we only see each other for a couple hours at a time which is really hard. i am really proud of him that he is trying so hard to fix it on his own but I feel if our relationship is the issue that makes him anxious it is something we need to work through together (possible counselling together??). Several years ago he went through the something similar with someone else where the commitment to the relationship became to much for him to cope with and they split up. I want to work through it so that our relationship can beat it I want to be with him and he is working really hard trying to fight the constant feelings of feeling the way he does so we can be together but I feel we are going backwards and I don't know how to help or what to do next. Sorry it is a bit of a ramble but any advise would be greatly appreciated thanks

maddie24 Boyfriend recently started Antidepressants
  • replies: 5

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum, and just hoping there's maybe someone out there going through a similar thing or who has gone through it, who could maybe shed some light for me...feeling so desperate My boyfriend (he's 32, I'm 31), who I've only ... View more

Hi everyone, I'm new to this forum, and just hoping there's maybe someone out there going through a similar thing or who has gone through it, who could maybe shed some light for me...feeling so desperate My boyfriend (he's 32, I'm 31), who I've only been seeing since January, so it's a new relationship, is depressed. He has been for years, but never went onto any medication or sought professional help, untill recently. He was suffering terribly insomnia, which drove him to seek help. They first put him onto an antidepressant which worked really well in the beginning, untill they increased the dose. It made him crave alcohol in excessive amounts, which he'd never wanted before, he's not a big drinker. They lowered the dose back to the original one, but it just kept geting worse, so they changed his meds to another one. He's been on that now, but he is still in a bad way. It's as though he has no filter, he just wants to be destructive, drink, has thought of doing drugs (!!!), and the worst part is, he says he feels completely disconnected from me, and entirely uninterested in love. He is only happy when he is by himself, and he feels more and more that being alone and destructive is how he actually WANTS to be. Every now and then he sees reason and realises that this can't be right, but then he slips back again. I have begged him to so speak to his psychiatrist, as he is clearly on the wrong medication, and I just know that the right medication will sort him out again.I don't know what to do anymore. I love him very much, and I will support him throughout it all like I always have, but I'm really hurting. He doesn't want to see me, because he says being around me just reminds him how much he has changed into a distant person and it makes him feel worse. He isn't affectionate in his texts anymore, and I am just terrified that I'm losing him. He says that it feels as though he's losing his mind. I know that he can't control what he's going through, and that the meds are affecting him, but I just feel so entirely helpless. I love him and I really don't want to lose him because of something like this, but it feels like he is slipping away from me, and I don't know what to do. Sorry for the rambling, just feeling utterly defeated. Would appreciate any feedback, thank you all in advance xx

stayathomemum help with my husband and I care for special needs child
  • replies: 9

My husband has pulled away thinks are bad at work no security hard to get a full time job,flys in flys out has work and money issues I stay and care for our autistic child things were ok of late but he says that he loves me but doesn't have it in him... View more

My husband has pulled away thinks are bad at work no security hard to get a full time job,flys in flys out has work and money issues I stay and care for our autistic child things were ok of late but he says that he loves me but doesn't have it in him to try anymore.I know he is depressed and we am sure he has aspergers a small bit,gets very aloof, doesn't like to be touch sees things different-he cant quit work he has lost appetitde all things how do I help? I have begged that I am here I have fallen apart telling him I will do anything to help don't feel ashamed needs see someone but he doesn't now,doesnt now what makes him happy,doesnt now what he wants do,doesnt now about us,wouldnt leave still lives here helps like having a room mate but hard is it the depression or me do I back off always said everything was my way only my opinon mattered and yes I agree I havent listened but I don't want give up how do I help him and approach subject without him cutting me off

OCDD How to respond to depressed texts
  • replies: 4

Hi, I'm a newbie here. I'll try to make long story short, my sister-in-law (she's 32) has been diagnosed with depression. She has troubled childhood (verbally abusive, divorced parents) and 2 major events have happened in her life recently that she c... View more

Hi, I'm a newbie here. I'll try to make long story short, my sister-in-law (she's 32) has been diagnosed with depression. She has troubled childhood (verbally abusive, divorced parents) and 2 major events have happened in her life recently that she can't seem to deal. 1. Trouble at work. She can't seem to keep jobs (she said she "can't concentrate" and therefore can't get any jobs done) and recently just quits again due to personal conflicts with her bosses. (They told her she's "weird"). 2. Her long-term boyfriend broke up with her. However, she's still in denial of this and is trying to win him back.. Even though he hardly ever answers her calls/texts anymore. She doesn't want to accept the fact and therefore can't move on. She lives in another country so her primary form of communication with my husband is usually via instant text messages. I'm posting here because I really want to help my husband deal with her depressed texts. Almost every day, she would text him things like "No one loves me", "I'm so alone", "Nothing good in my life", or "I'm worthless". He understands that it's her depression talking.. But no matter how supportive he tries to be, her answer is always "you don't understand". It's very frustrating and I'm not sure what else he can do to help her? I don't want my husband to get depressed, too!

carenum setting boundaries for depressed teenager
  • replies: 2

I have a teenager who exhibits some classic symptoms of depression, particularly lack of daily routine, lots of watching tv on a laptop and something or another on a smart-phone, all while secluded in the bedroom. I suspect I need to impose some limi... View more

I have a teenager who exhibits some classic symptoms of depression, particularly lack of daily routine, lots of watching tv on a laptop and something or another on a smart-phone, all while secluded in the bedroom. I suspect I need to impose some limits, like no computer in bedroom after a certain time. But I don't want to alienate my teenager. How should a parent negotiate this difficult boundary setting issue?