Boyfriend battling depression we just keep going backwards, what do I do? Please help

[Love123]

Hi first time on here but just looking for any advise that people have in what I can do and my situation possibly people that have been through depression and can help me understand or have advise on what I can do.

When my partner and I first got together he was very loving, your typical honeymoon fade of the relationship we had plans for our future and spoke a lot about the things we wanted together. In the last 6 months as we became more serious he began to open up about his struggles with depression the problem now is that as we get more serious he gets worse, we have spoken about it possibly being the commitment to a relationship that is giving him anxiety but he is adiment he wants to be together and just needs to work through it. He is active in trying to treat it and has spoken to doctors and is on medication but he wants to do it all on his own and just shuts me out when things get bad..

I feel I am constantly nagging him to spend time together otherwise I feel he would just stay at home but it has got to the point where he is too anxious to be at my house and we haven't spent a full day together in months we only see each other for a couple hours at a time which is really hard. 

i am really proud of him that he is trying so hard to fix it on his own but I feel if our relationship is the issue that makes him anxious it is something we need to work through together (possible counselling together??). Several years ago he went through the something similar with someone else where the commitment to the relationship became to much for him to cope with and they split up. I want to work through it so that our relationship can beat it I want to be with him and he is working really hard trying to fight the constant feelings of feeling the way he does so we can be together but I feel we are going backwards and I don't know how to help or what to do next. Sorry it is a bit of a ramble but any advise would be greatly appreciated thanks 

[Chris_B]

Hi Love123,

Welcome to the forums. You're not alone in going through this, while you're waiting for a response please feel free to read through other threads here in the Supporting Family & Friends forum, including the ones below.  Reaching out to other members in a similar situation to you is a great way to get some support out of the forums:

Concerned for my boyfriend's depression

Hoping for advice with my best friend/partner who has depression

Dealing with a depressed husband

Struggling with husband suffering from depression

Also, have a look at these sections on the beyondblue website:

Caring for someone with depression and anxiety

Talking to someone you are worried about

[Jacko777]

Welcome Love123,

I hope you found some useful info in the links Chris B shared. I think your partner is very lucky to have your care and love, it is terrific that you are trying hard to work on this. It's also good that your partner is seeing professionals, if he can keep his plan active we can presume that he will get better.

Personally I think your idea of counseling together is tops, you can both talk about each others expectations and you can find some clarity about your role. I wonder if he would feel pressured if you suggest seeing a counselor for your sake? I guess we don't know where his boundaries are with coping with commitment, perhaps it's egg shells for a little while until he talks about it or you can bring it up with a counselor.

Mental health issues can sometimes be 3 steps forwards, 2 steps back. Some days it can seem like things are not getting better, when actually they are. I guess some people 'beat' depression, for some though I think it is probably a journey.

I will say it again, I think you are terrific and lovely for the way you care about your partner, for trying to find out the right way to make things better. Talk any time.

Jack 

[geoff]

dear Love, hi and thanks for posting on the BB forum.

In the 'honeymoon period' for any relationship most things we don't like so much or perhaps any flaws are pushed way back to our background and aren't brought up in this period, but as time progresses it all starts to be revealed.

Don't we wish that it would never end, but then it would become too much or boring, because mentally it has to finish and then the 'real' person opens up.

For him to try and fix it himself is going to be very difficult, because the most difficult issues he won't really address, although he may think that he is, but he will just skim over them, simply because they are way too difficult to even try and overcome, so that's why he needs help, so that these problems can be addressed.

I am not making any conclusions as I'm not a psychologist, but from what you have said there seems to be a pattern here, so yes couple counselling would be appropriate, but I also believe that both of you should have separate counselling, but with the same counsellor.

I only say this because he maybe too shy to talk about his problems which is stopping him from saying how he actually feels.

Hope that you can get back to us. L Geoff. x

[Love123]

Dear Chris thank you for these links I think the night I wrote this post I read every single thing I could find that might help but I really appreciate it so I can go through it again so thank you.

Jack, your words are very kind as I feel I am constantly doing the wrong thing as nothing has helped so far I am determined not to give up, I actually suggested the counselling together and it seems he is open to it and is going to speak with the person he goes to to see if they could see both of us I said that 1 I think that if it is the relationship causing issues that he can't solve it by him self we would need to work through it together and 2 that I would like someone to tell me what the right thing is to do as I do not know and I want to be helpful to him not make things worse if we are going to make us work. I got a positive response from him so hopefully over the next few weeks he will take the initiative to speak with his dr (I don't want to pester him and keep asking if he has called yet so I am hoping he organises it and brings it up with me otherwise how do I go about keeping it as a topic so it doesn't get forgotten?) 

i feel we got a couple of steps forward today as he unprompted told me a lot about how he was feeling which is massive for him to do, it appears he is in a really hard part and struggling massively but it was also good to hear he says his feelings for me have not changed but he is aware the way he displays them has and that wants to get better so we can be happy.. I told him I love him no matter how he is feeling or what he is going through and want to be there which is 100% the truth.. 

 Geoff, thank you for your post the response is overwhelming just to have people to talk to and give suggestions.. I understand the change in the honey moon period to reality but the hard part here is it feels like I can see that he still wants to be doing those things like going away together talking all the time and doing special things like date nights but he is stuck behind this wall that his emotions just get too much and something stops him from doing it.. He currently speaks with someone by himself so I thought if we go together to the person he has already seen one he feels comfortable to talk to that person already and knows what he is going through so he does not need to explain it again and also that if he shuts down when I am there the dr and still give me suggestions as they would already know his background. 

[Love123]

trying not to pin all my hopes on him making this appointment I think it is going to be a struggle to do but I really thing it would help, any ideas on how I can make sure it happens without pushing him and making things worse ? Again in thank you all for your reply I cried reading them just realising there was someone to talk to as I haven't spoken to anyone in my life about it because I don't want to betray my bfs trust in that he told me what he is going through and trusted me with it.

[Jacko777]

Hi Love123,

I am glad you replied. It's great that your partner is partaking in recovery and terrific that he talked to you unprompted, perhaps you have given him enough space to feel safe about sharing his feelings. Some times 'doing the right thing' means doing nothing except having compassion.

In regards to seeing a counselor together, as far as I can tell you have only recently had this discussion with him, maybe give him the time to make the appointment before you worry about how you will remind him, let him take responsibility, in a month if he hasn't said anything perhaps you could ask if he managed to make an appointment cause you are keen to go.

I hope you can keep giving your partner some space as he works on this and I think it is important for your relationship that you are the best you can be, set an example of peace and happiness. Talk any time.

Jack

[Love123]

Yes it was only after I posted that I spoke to him about it so I will see how it goes.. Hopefully I can find the balance between giving him space and supporting him so that I can aid him and he can start to be happy again..

 thank you so much for your comments no doubt I will be on here again when things go wrong but for now I am just going to keep staying positive 🙂 thank you