Concerned for my boyfriend's depression

[nessy61]

I've only been in a relationship with my boyfriend for a few months, but he has been very open to me about his past struggles with depression.

I've noticed a change in personality over a last few weeks including his mood and behaviours changing and growing distant from me. When i asked him whats wrong he told me that he is depressed again. I tried talking to him about it but he shuts down and tells me its better if no one mentions it and that it will just pass. He has self harmed in the past and I'm concerned that it will get to this point again.

Does anybody with experience in this have any suggestions? Should I just leave him be like he is asking? I know I'm inexperienced but i just have a feeling that leaving it will make it worse...

Thank you

[white knight]

Hi Nessy, welcome here

One of the difficulties with carers or family members of the mentally ill is- how can you decide what behaviours are due to mental illness or from natural personality traits. eg in your case....when he shuts himself away, is that due to say....that the early excitement of a new relationship has passed and this is how he normally behaves? Or has he fallen into a hole with his depression cycle?

I wrtoe an article here some time ago called "who cares for the carer?" You migth find it on google. it depicts that if a sufferers of depression can make a phone call, attend the toilet or make themselves a cup of tea, then they are capable of basic communication to their carer like asking how their day went, if they would like a cuppa etc. In some cases the carer is not getting this attention. Depressed people can still be depressed and carry out these tasks but some dont. Whether that is attention seeking or some other reason then it becomes a relationship issue rather than a mental illness issue.

So, you have this dilemma.

You are in familiar territory. Many carers face stubbornness from their depressed spouse. And you cannot force them to seek help. This certainly makes you feel like it is testing your love....thats because it is. If the inaction of your spouse is causing you harm then why is that not a concern for  him? frankly I dont get it!!  I would never allow my illness to indirectly hurt my wife- period. I would do anything to help her, go to doctors, get second opinions, change medication and the like.

So after putting up with this for some time I would myself go to counselling to help me cope with this but not share the details of those visits with him. If he chooses not to accompany you then he is not interested.

He is either with you or he is against you. no in between.

He may well love you but actions talk louder than words.

Tony WK

[Miss7]

Hi nessy61,

I agree with WK. When you have approached talking about the topic in the past has it been in passing (for example asking how his day has been) or have you addressed it as a serious topic of conversation? You might need to stop all the focus on him and give him your perspective. Perhaps he can find the strength if he knows he is getting help for someone else. Ask him to seek help for your and your relationships sake.

In my experience, someone special to me was rejecting getting help as he had accepted the feelings of being anxious and depressed for such a long time, that they were normal to him. Even after knowing him for years, I have to remind myself...he knows himself best. I have personally developed my own way of coping with his emotions and the impact of his experience on me. These are some things that I have personally developed that have helped...they will be different for you, but all i can do is share what has helped me...

-make an arrangement based on the fact that you are in this together. perhaps you could arrange that he just goes for one doctors appointment (offer to go with him) This is a compromise, as you might want him to go more and he doesnt want to at all. If he rejects help after this... at least you know you tried. 

- distractions from talking about feeling depressed all the time - watching a tv show (comedies) things we enjoy doing together - being in each others company. bowling

- on particularly bad days - just being with the person - curl up under a blanket with them, give them a hug, offer a tea or coffee.

- dont blame the person for their feelings of depression and anxiety... he didn't ask to be like this and it is a complex and hard illness to deal with

-trust him and yourself - worrying / bringing up the issue of self harm is only going to do more harm in the long run if you can trust him to be alone by himslef

hope anypart of this helps xx

[Chris_B]

Hi nessy61,

Welcome to the forums. You're not alone in going through this, while you're waiting for a response please feel free to read through other threads here in the Supporting Family & Friends forum, including the ones below.  Reaching out to other members in a similar situation to you is a great way to get some support out of the forums:

Concerned for my boyfriend's depression

Hoping for advice with my best friend/partner who has depression

Dealing with a depressed husband

Struggling with husband suffering from depression

Also, have a look at these sections on the beyondblue website:

Caring for someone with depression and anxiety

Talking to someone you are worried about

[Zeerose]

Nessy61 I am in a similar situation.. And am seeing the same advice ... I have been seeing my partner for 4 months absolutely crazy in love for eachother never really had any problems , best friends we were. He went to prison for three months he didn't want to tell me disappeared on me but I kind of forced it of him . He was then glad he told me as I stood by him .. The Last month he was in prison I didn't hear from him but I still wrote. He came out I saw him once and things were so beautiful for that moment yet he did seem reserved .. But that's understandable coming out he told me he still loved me missed me .. But couple hours later he started messaging me telling me he thinks he should be alone. He's not the same person anymore . It's not me .  everything changed just like that. I'm trying to respect his wishes for space but it's so hard . Doesn't respond to my messages or calls just is cold and sends I need to be alone don't worry about me focus on you and your life . Makes me sad angry hurt and absolutely torn . After couple weeks of trying to get thru to him I went to his house . I didn't want to as he lives with his family and it's the first time . He wasn't there he went away to the beach ... I was upset he didn't tell me he went away but I mean he is a grown man to do as he pleases. The next week I went passed again as I was going crazy . I couldn't understand he wouldn't tell me anything I needed peace I needed closure. I saw him he told me he was broken. And was unhappy being out . He told me that he crumbles when he sees me ... It's so sad because I crumble without him... I told him how I felt and where I stood and that I care . He then told me we could be friends that didn't really last long. Messages stopped its been a week. I don't know what to do. I have been messaging him constantly because I'm worried and want him to know I love and care for him. I don't want him to move on without me. What should or can I do ???