my husband

[riri11]

I have been with my husband for 8 years this year, I found out he was bipolar 2 years after we were together.  He never told me and his mom told me she thought I knew already. Its been a wild ride.He left me 2 years after we were married for some one else and that was a big blow. I was crushed and did my best with our three children and to keep myself together. I was lucky that my mom was living w us at the time and she helped a lot w the kids . So after about 4 months he came and said he made a mistake and wanted to try again. So I did I loved him so much but I didn't love him like I use to in the beginning.  It was hard , he continued to talk to girls I just blocked it out . he did a good job of hiding his trail but I found it .. I would confront him he would say sorry and he loved us and our family. I forgave him, I do feel dumb for doing it over and over and over. The past 1.5  years have been good. As far as i know he hasnt talked to anyone.. But he probably got better at hiding. He can lie straight to my face And be very convincing but I have now called him on it.The past couple of months I feel he isn't being honest, he is on instagram like and following young girls.  and flirting he goes out on weekends with out me, spending all the money . Not paying bills etc. I work and my checks have been going to covering what he doesn't pay. I'm beyond mad. This happens two to 3 times a year . Im hurt cause I had a nice savings and I had to use it on bills. He never saves  he makes us live pay check to pay check. And I'm just tried of it all. I just need advice maybe encouragement. I love him and our family.   we do have a good marriage and enjoy each others company and do things. but when he is manic thats thats the hard part. But I'm tired of him making us broke All the time. I have  taken over the budget, his mom has andwhen he can't to the money it Turn into a huge fight. his mom Use to help so much with talking to him, helping me w the kids, but about a month ago he went off on her and she has decided to step back . More of all helping talk to him. She says her relationship w her son is more important. I definitely understand where she is coming from. But she was the person I use to be able to talk about all this and now I don't.  he will be Turning 30 next month. I have been telling him all this I don't keep anything from him. He knows how I'm feeling but it just doesn't get though.Sorry for rambling but it's good to get it out to someone else. 

[Jacko777]

Hi riri11,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums, I am glad you have posted and I am sorry to hear of the challenging time you have been having. I admire that you are honest and that you keep trying to work on these issues for the sake of your self, your husband and your children. Good effort.

It helps me some times to raise my awareness to the choices I am making, there is always a choice. So I make the choice with clarity...I stick at this relationship because of xyz, or, I end this relationship because of xyz. Just helps me to be aware I have another option and to weigh up the options.

Is your husband getting any treatment for his condition? I would have thought he would need current strategies to deal with his situation. Have you tried counseling? It has helped me in the past to accompany my partner to a counselor so that we can air our issues and make a plan for improvement. It might help your husband to seek the advice of a professional that can help him to find greater peace and happiness.

I would completely understand if you were angry because he is lying, over the top flirting, blowing all your cash, doesn't sound fair to me. Perhaps with the help of a counselor you could establish some new boundaries and your husband will need to commit to respecting them, with help he can make a plan to deal with these things.

Do you have friends to talk to? I try and keep the other parts of my self topped up to give me strength to deal with the challenges. Talk here any time mate.

Jack

[Carmela]

Hi Riri11, I am sorry to hear about your relationship and the struggles you are facing.

As l know very little about Bipolar can l offer you the following:

1.    The need to focus on ‘your’ life – mental health challenges can be so consuming, but never lose sight of your own priorities and goals. Don’t give up on you, friendships or anything that brings you joy. You deserve respect for the role you play in your family and being a Mum.  Do not accept anything else.

2.    Get help – from your post, dealing with your husband’s bipolar is difficult and painful. Make sure you are getting support whether it be family, friends or support groups.  Contact Carers Australia for some advice and services available.

3.    Set yourself some boundaries – you cannot do everything for everyone. The focus needs to be you and the children. Letting a mental health illness take over your life isn’t healthy for you or your husband. So what are YOUR boundaries?

4.    Keeping your wellness in check – stress takes a real toll on the body. It is important to monitor your sleep, eat right etc.  The stronger you are, the better the children will be with a healthy mum, mind and body.

5.     I believe the two most important aspects of a relationship are trust and respect.  Respect like trust is earned not given. If these aspects of your relationship are compromised on an ongoing basis, you need to take control and make some hard decisions for you and your family. What is acceptable behaviour for your family?  

Be strong and remember that we are here for you on this forum.