Selfish carer?

[Pixie15]

Hi,

If anyone has some helpful advice I would be very appreciative.

My partner suffers depression which I know is not his fault. For different reasons our social life had become very restrictive over many years. For the last couple of years I have been attempting to make more time for myself and do some of the things I enjoy. Which was working quite well for me.

Earlier this year my partner had an accident and was quite severely injured and taking care of him and doing the things that are necessary have been taking up more of my resources. The accident was also not his fault and I feel selfish thinking about freeing a bit of time for myself. I am afraid that the accident has put me back at square one.

Am I being selfish?

Thanks

Pixie.

[white knight]

Hi Pixie,

As you know my partner has depression and I have my cocktail of mental illnesses, bipolar 2, depression, dysthymia and once has anxiety that I licked.

Recently we has an argument. The result was our realisation that we both individually need to focus on ourselves so much that we forget or dont remember to focus some time on the other person. It's like its a double receive situation. It isnt ideal. We both individually are so focussed on our own issues that we cant reach out to our partner.

The guilt in my case is raised when I think of the hours I spend on this forum to others needing support or advice. And I have neglected my lovely wife. Der !!  So we changed it around. Simple things. Small changes result to large benefits. I hug here, a touch with your hand as you pass in the kitchen etc.

Caring for your injured partner cant be easy and has diverted a lot of your mind time. Juggling this cant be easy. Dont feel guilty. You are not selfish....you are normal for someone that needs time to focus on you due to your illness. Our illness make it appear we are selfish....we are not. We need this time as we are not well.

You are doing a great job. We need to be told by others of this. And from ourselves. You're doing ok

Tony WK

[white knight]

Hi Pixie,

How have you been since posting this thread? You ok?

Tony WK

[Pixie15]

Hi Tony,

Thanks for your reply. I am okay. Just a bit frustrated at myself I think.

I started questioning my selfishness after running into a couple I know at the local supermarket. The husband has given up work to look after his wife full-time and she needs a lot of care and her condition is declining with no hope of recovery. They have a tough road.

So on the one hand I feel like I really have nothing to complain about in comparison. On the other because I am spending more time with my partner and I am more flexible I am also finding myself giving in to his preferences more. He gets very edgy out of his comfort zone. I find that his edginess triggers my anxious behaviors.

I do not know if this makes sense.

Pixie.

[white knight]

Hi Pixie,

After reading that last paragraph 3 times it did  lol

Relationship "feed"off each other often. Relationship without any mental illness issues, as I've observed them, are not any different. But it seems they result in less extremes in parallel to our extremes in our behaviours in the mental illness and physical illness world.

The extra stresses we encounter from more likely to have financial hardship, pain and suffering, leaning on the partner to name a few is way more than a normal household.

Loking at your friends and their future made you feel like you are in a better situation making you feel guilty for feeling down about your own. We can all do that, like looking at families in the African desert on TV. But I believe we are under much stress especially if both partners as in your situation and mine where both have illnesses.

This stress comes and goes. Your husband has a good day then you do to right? most times I'd guess. So to endeavour to make your life personally more rewarding depends on how well he is feeling. Not a ideal situation.

Something my wife and I have discussed whereby we concluded that each of us must accept the other is doing their very best and if one partner expects more than what the other is capable of then we will have issues. Without this approach of "respect for an individuals capacity" erosion of the relationship takes place. It commonly happens in longer term relationships IMO

Tony WK

[Pixie15]

Hi Tony,

I think you have really captured it in the second last paragraph there. When I try to do something new I have to overcome my own anxieties and his feeling threatened by my doing something new without him. So I lose my home comfort at a time when I need it most. 

It also makes it hard to meet new people and invite them into my life.

Thanks,

Pixie.

[ilovetoread73_]

Hi Pixie,

Don't feel selfish.  The best you can do for your partner and yourself is have some time out on a regular schedule.  Why?  It will make you more able to cope, less resentful and more able to be open and caring for your loved one.

My husband is my carer / aide more times than not when I just can't face going out of the house or needing him to care more for our son in bathing and feeding when I am exhausted from my sleep disorders and anxiety.  I actively encourage him now to go with a friend to the movies if he ever gets the chance as he needs time out firstly and secondly when he comes home he a. tells me he has missed me and I can be happy in knowing he's had some enjoyment outside of the home that takes so much of his time and mental abilities in patience at times.  Also relationships need to grow and having your own interests will keep your mind active and keep you interesting.  He may feel a little resistant at first but if he's up to it enough mentally he will see the wonders of your smile when you return home.  If you are worried about him being resentful make sure when you get home you do something nice for him, even if it is just making a cup of tea, something more romantic often goes down well to ensure they know how much you missed them while you were out.  Even if that isn't the case because you were relieved to have break it's okay to say that if you know it will be to improve your relationship because you love them.  Hope you feel improved soon.

[Carmela]

Hi Pixie,  all the advice given to you has been great. I am a carer and have been for 20 years.  I have also experienced the selfish feeling you speak of and guilt with trying to maintain some normality in my life. However, I would just like to share three things that l have learnt over the years.

1. What you are feeling is a normal response to your situation. There are common feelings that are all part of the journey of being a carer.  Do not judge yourself as you have been giving and caring which is a blessing to your partner. 

2. Without you, your partner would not receive the support and care he does, therefore it is important that you maintain your own mental health first to ensure he does continue to receive the loving care you give. Going out and doing activities for YOU is all part of staying healthy. Do not feel guilty for that. As without it, you will leave yourself open to mental health issues. 

3. I have joined a support group for carers through Carers Australia.  I attend once a month and it provides me with that little extra support where l can discuss my feelings in an open and non-judgemental environment with like minded people. 

I hope l have helped. 

Remember you are a special person to do what you do.  

[Pixie15]

HI Grace&Harmony,

Thanks for your reply. Your advice here is basically what I received from doing therapy a couple of years ago. It is good to be reminded of this.

One of the things I am struggling with though is I just do not want to be a special person. I do not want to be a "carer". I want to be a "normal" person in a caring, supportive relationship.

I have had a look for support groups in my area but there is nothing that is really suitable.

cheers,

Pixie.

[Pixie15]

Hi ilovetoread73!,

I love to read too. It is really good to hear a positive story from someone who is in a similar situation. Particularly your ideas about coming home positive and doing something loving. I worry a little about saying "I missed you" because I am concerned that this will make my partner think I am suggesting that he needs to be involved in what I am doing. I do not want him to feel guilty for not doing something with me.

Thanks,

Pixie.