Seeing him for the last time, what should I say?

[droth]

Hi, I am heartbroken because my boyfriend of a year broke up with me last week and the thing is I think his depression is coming back. He had always been a person who was fine with being alone and doing things by himself (only child) but the past year we practically spend every day together and it had been fine. Recently he tried to break up with me but came back and now he's breaking up with me again. In retrospect a lot of things were red flags, such as he's living in a stressful enviornment, worried about school and the future (he stresses out about these things internally and he's a very reserved and headstrong person, saying that he needs to find strength within himself). He also said he had no libido but still loved me and just needed time to decompress. I know he won't have time with all these things going on and he doesn't have many close friends he can talk to. After reading the forum I have seen that a depressed person would likely think breaking up is the solution, but the adviceis to stay with them and help them through it. I'm going to talk to him later tonight perhaps for the last time and I wanted some advice as to how to approach this problem, thank you for reading. 

[pipsy]

Dear droth.  I fully understand where you're coming from.  Have you thought about telling your boyfriend everything you've written here.  Let him know that you're quite prepared to just be his friend if that's all he wants.  You indicate he doesn't have many close friends.  Does he make friends easily.  It sounds as though he feels that he has to be in an intimate relationship with a girl to actually BE in any relationship.  I would let him know that this is not the case at all.  A relationship is built on trust and friendship, not just sex.  If he can relax knowing there's no pressure to 'perform' as such, this will help him immensely.  I can see you do love him, but reiterate love means many things to many people.  I would be very careful about how to let him know that stressing out internally is not a good thing.  He will 'shut down' if you say that.  Just let him know you're 'there' for him, no pressure.  Does he have a lot of men friends, if he does, that will help him.  I know men brag, a lot of that is because they feel that if they can't live up to their image, they're going to be 'bullied'.  Let him know he can tell you anything without fear of judgement.  Sometimes a female friend is better than half a dozen male friends.

Hope this helps.  Good luck.

[Zeerose]

Hi droth,

i sincerely feel for you , I'm in a similar situation. It's tricky, because you want to be there for them in any way possible but they just don't want it . How do you help someone who doesn't want your help ? Keep trying , that's the boat I'm in .. Hope. I agree with the above post . Love and relationships aren't just about sex it's trust and friendship .. People dealing with depression shun away from intimacy so I guess it's hard for them to be around partners . That's what I'm trying to work on being his friend but he is avoiding me .. Haven't heard from in two weeks .. I hope when you talk to him tonight it works out for the best of both of you .i understand youd be quite anxious.. It really is like your walking on egg shells . Good luck . X

[droth]

Dear Pipsy,

 thank you so much for the detailed reply, I've been trying to let him know that I'm supportive of him and I'm there, but he just keeps repeating how he would talk to me but he doesn't know if he'll change his mind on the break up. He doesn't make friends easily but he's outgoing, I just didn't see this change of heart and I know we had our bickering and fights but he's always said that we work through them and learn from them but this time he said he was mad at himself for a fight we had and it got under his skin and he needs to be more mature but he also said he doesn't want to change. I'm just so confused and heartbroken because it seems like anything I say won't get to him.

[pipsy]

Droth.  So sorry for this ongoing situation.  I really don't think there's much more you can do.  He knows you're there when he wants to talk.  He sounds terribly mixed up about himself and where he wants to be.  I think he just needs space to sort himself out.  If it's not a rude question, how old are you?  I think you need to get on with your own life.  Sorry if that wasn't what you wanted to hear, but you can't put your life on hold for him.  You may want to, but that may make him feel guilty and that's counter-productive to you both.  Making him feel guilty could cause more fights and you'll start resenting each other.  If he does decide to finish altogether, you'll have to accept that anyway.  So getting on with your own life is better for you, in the long run.  Taking him back is something you may have to look at eventually, only you'll know how you'll feel if that arises.  But for now, you need to take care of you.  I think you're confused because you're trying to be 'there' for him, but he's not sure what he wants.

Please feel free to write back, if necessary.

[droth]

Hi Pipsy,

 you're right, it's just been hard for me to accept it because we were so close and comfortable with each other. I'm 20 and he's 21, I am worried about him but what you said is right and I'll try to move on and give him the space he needs. 

[pipsy]

Dear droth.  I'm so sorry for how hurt you are.  Don't forget BB is here when you need assurance and help.  Friendship is important for you too.  As I said, try to be there for him, but look after you too.

Best of luck for your future.

[droth]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience I'm so glad you did t give up! I know it's a toss up at this point but I guess it varies from people whether they'll turn around. I ended up telling him he didn't have to see me and he opened up more because I guess it's less pressure like what you guys said, either way I feel more at peace now, I'll just be there for him. ps if you ever need someone to talk about similar experiences I'm here too.

[Zeerose]

Droth , you are a sweetheart. I am pretty emotional today maybe that time of the month lol I can't tell you how glad I am that u feel at peace and that he opened up . To me that is definitely a step towards progress . I'm curious as to how why and if these relationships ever unite once again . It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there feeling like this . I'm holding on I really am I love him .. Everyone and everything tell me to let go yet I refuse to . Once again so glad to hear your talk went well with him . X

[pipsy]

Hi Zeerose.  I too am glad about droth's situation turning out okay.  However, what worked for her might not necessarily work for you.  Her boyfriend's situation is unique to them, no two people are the same.  If your boyfriend wants 'out', all the 'holding' on you're doing will push him away.  If you wanted 'out' and he didn't want to let you go, how would you feel.  Don't 'trap' people, it doesn't work and they resent you more.  There's an old saying, 'if you love something/one, set them free, if they come back, they're yours, if they don't, they never were'.

Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear, but men are creatures who need to feel they are not 'owned'.  Having said that, don't be a door mat, either.  If he's on again, off again and that's not what you want, let him know. 

Take care.

Pipsy