Feeling like I need to have an affair to cope

[Ian1966]

Hi.
I need advice and can't talk to anyone about this. 

I was married once before. That wife had depression/mental health issues after we were married that lasted years. We stopped having sex for years (years!). But I stayed faithful during all that time because of love and because of "in sickness and in health". She never got better. I fell out love from the strain. I left her (we didn't have any kids - of course). But I was always faithful to the end.

I fell in love again with someone new. I got married again. Have some great kids. The new wife then got depression. I freaked out a bit, but we got through it. She got better, thank God.

Now her depression has come back. But this time she is in denial about it and refuses to get help.

I have tried to persuade her to get help, but she won't do it. I have been through this enough to see when someone needs help. She is distant and difficult. This has been going on for about 2 years now. We still occasionally have sex but she is just doing it to appease me. There is no desire on her side. Maybe she will get better by herself. But we are looking at years, if ever.

I am so lonely. I am so lonely for intimate happy female company. I work so hard trying to keep the family going. I feel myself falling into the malaise with her. My patience and compassion for depressed spouses is very very low now. But I must stay well myself to get these children grown up. The kids see that there is something wrong with their mother, but I think they can cope as long as I keep the household running reasonably smoothly.

Frankly, I want to have an affair. Or at lease see a see worker occasionally. I need some happiness to get me through this. Is that a mad idea? Is it understandable? Am I allowed to (carefully) do that? Do other people think about it? Which option is more acceptable?

[Jacko777]

Hi Ian1966,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums Ian, I am sorry to hear about the struggles you have been through and I can see how this would be challenging and stressful for you.

Yes I think your idea is understandable and yes, I think it is mad!! I guess we all think about these things when we want to be desired and can't get what we want from our relationship. However I think you are a caring man who wants the best for his family, I really think that if you have an affair you will feel much guilt which will possibly lead to the break down of your marriage. And sorry, I don't think you will get what you want from a 'worker' either, but I could be wrong. I really don't think this is the example you want to set for your kids.

It is sad that you feel lonely and I know how you feel, I too have unmet desires for intimacy that I have struggled with and I am not sure I have any sufficient answers for you. I guess we can reassign the value we place on sexual intimacy, perhaps other forms of intimacy and love can fill the void? It is difficult I know, we rate ourselves on how much we are desired, it helps me to know that I am desirable even if I am not desired. I have to look at myself to ensure I am someone that is desirable.

Have you thought about seeing a counselor yourself? You could get some support to feel better and more importantly some tips to help your wife.    

Some times you have to keep on keeping on, keep doing the things you would do if everything was good, be social and loving and perhaps you can point out when you notice your wife is distant or unhappy or not being her 'self'. There is strength in your faithfulness.

Talk any time. Jack

[geoff]

dear Ian, hi and welcome to this BB forum, where we are happy to talk to you.

I actually don't know how I'm going to approach this topic, but you have posted it and it requires an answer.

Firstly I have to commend you for being faithful to both of your wives who have both suffered from depression, and this doesn't mean that you are to blame, because this insidious illness can strike at any time, anywhere and without warning.

I understand your lack of intimacy and I understand the want that you lack affection, because in anyway possible we all want to be loved, admired and appreciated in what ever we can do.

Is it feasible for you to discuss this topic with your wife, and yes it does sound to be a strange request, and will wait to get a reply back from you and whoever else responds to you so that we can continue.  Geoff.