I'm worried for my children.

[Wallaby1]

Hi. I need some guidance, I have 4 children, my wife has suffered depression and anxiety since I met her, she has medication to help her anxiety but refuses to take it anymore, she stopped whilst pregnant with our fourth child! She cheated on me three weeks before he was conceived. Finally told me after having huge anxiety attacks when going for ultrasounds ect! Which was problematic also living 200 km from nearest centre. I forgave her for what she did, but she keeps lying to me, hiding things, I have no trust left, just doubt, I would leave in a heartbeat but I feel the children won't get fair treatment, yelled ect, I do most of the house work after getting home from work, and get abbused for not paying her or kids attention, always winging that the baby cried all day or kids take up every second of her time.  I used to manage a property which was 24/7 and new I needed to be home more so am doing s adult apprenticeship! I am getting paid well and finances are ok when she chips in with Centrelink! Says car parts are my responsibility to pay but it's our car and the kids need it for school ect! To make matters worse our oldest is not biologically mine but I am on her BC. She is now talking to her ex about him seeing her, I have no troubles letting her know her real dad, everything is being done behind my back! I will always be there for my kids, but battling her anxiety is a large struggle every day. And getting worse to the point I'm scared to enter the room because she want to fight in front of the kids and bad mouths me to them. I need help. 

[July]

Hi Wallaby,

Sorry to hear of your dilemma  and glad you have posted here, you will get lots of advice from people and comments, so choose which is helpful to you.

I would assume your wife stopping her medication is definitely affecting her mood and attitude  maybe she could go back to her doctor for a review , to reassess her situation now.

Having four kids is a lot of work ( I have four kids to ) but you sound like a supportive husband and its hard to juggle everything at times, but her  behaviour is questionable , the cheating and lying issues need to be addressed if your marriage is to be saved and you need to look after yourself as well, to be a good dad for the kids.

In regards to the oldest child, a sperm does not make a father.....a real man makes a father, so you are her dad to, whether or not the biological father is contacted, thats out of your control and she would find out eventually as she grows up so best to be open and honest, children are very clever.

Do you have any doubts regarding the paternity of the fourth child ? as you said she was having anxiety attacks around the ultrasounds , that sounds a little unusual unless she is unsure her self, just a thought, or was she not excited about the pregnancy ?

You both need to get some advice and or counselling for both of your sakes and the kids, the kids shouldn't have to worry about 'adult' problems so I can understand your reluctance to be around her.

She also needs to be honest and open with you, obviously if you separate you will get access to the kids as they need their mum and dad, but remember its better to "come from a broken home" than "be in a broken home".

Try and have a quiet talk together , maybe when the kids are asleep and calmly bring up the issues that are important , you both need to get your views across then see if they can be resolved....with a little love and patience.

Have a little faith and give yourselves some time to sort out the problems before making any major decisions as there are four children depending on you both to make the right decision, remember there are many that have walked the same path as you, so you are not alone.

All the best

July 

[geoff]

dear Wallaby, this is a rather difficult comment and not easy to reply to, well not really, because your wife seems as though she can never be trusted in what she says or what she does, however I do appreciate that she has depression and anxiety.

The big query is whether the 5th child is yours or not, so this must be on your mind and something that worries you.

At the moment you are really the bread winner, although her centrelink benefit adds to this, and by the time she has the fifth baby then her payment would be substantial, but then again I wonder what she has told them and if it's the truth, but I don't really want to go down that track, unless it's something you raise.

If you want are you able to tell us how old the 3 children of yours are.

I'm beginning to wonder whether her anxiety, and this may not be fair, however whether she actually wants you to separate, especially as she 'bad mouth's you'.

I hope that I haven't upset you with what I have said, and if I have my apologies.

Please reply back so that we can get your thoughts. Geoff.

[Pixie15]

Hi Wallaby1,

Thanks for sharing your story. I think the first thought I have is that having anxiety and depression do not necessarily mean that a person will be unfaithful and unproductive. You do not have to accept being treated badly because your wife has health issues. It does not absolve her from responsibility for her actions. Especially if there is a treatment that would help but she is unwilling to cooperate with it. What would you do if your partner were diabetic and refusing treatment? If she is concerned about side effects can you try to get her back to see a doctor.

It sounds like you are willing to make changes to your work life etc for the sake of your children. Have you thought about how you would manage on your own if you needed to work and look after you children as a single Dad? You may end up looking after the children on your own. I think that if you  believe that your children will suffer from your partners treatment you cannot leave them in her care.

You might want to consider getting some legal advice to find out what your situation will be if any of your children's paternity has come into question. It seems very hurtful for your wife to be in discussion with the biological father and not including you. I am wondering if this child is aware that this is happening? If you have been there since their birth I agree that you are the real Dad in your child's eyes.

Whatever you choose to do it might be useful to consider some counselling for yourself? It helps to talk to someone in an honest way about your feelings. Also can help to get advice on what is and is not acceptable behavior. If you have been accepting bad treatment for some period of time it can be hard to break the pattern of behavior on your own.

Hope you find the help you need.

Pixie.

[Wallaby1]

Our eldest (not mine biologically) is aware I am not her real dad. But she always calls me dad and looks to me as her farther. To me that will never change no matter what. Very difficult that my wife often says well your not her real father you can't tell me what to do, I just want to be included as I am directly involved in her daily life. She (child) has been through a traumatic Experience late last year, I'm so sad to see that my wife's attitude that nothing is her fault and every conversation that doesn't go her way ends in unresolved screaming and sulking, the girls 8, 6, 4 and boy 5months are learning the wrong things, that conflict is normal and that no one can tell them what to and what not to do! I want to leave my wife, to stop the conflict between us, however I know the children will suffer greatly, I am there rock, even if I am at work all week, I'm so frustrated that I've ended up here, I will only do what is best for the kids, and maybe legal advice is best at this time! The girls and I love traveling and seeing my parents and wife's parents, but wife is bundled up she won't do anything, even going to the river for a fish is out of the question, she uses the kids as excuses for everything and acts as though they are pawns in her life, I'm told if I go see my family in the holidays (I really want her and the kids to come mum is so great with kids and would provide so much mental relief just to be away) that I will not be welcome home, my sister lives 2300km away and will be at mums only 700km away in holidays so makes sense to go see them all, so the cousins can all catch up, I have three brothers and three sisters! Lots of family fun, wife's is so caught up in herself can't see outside us. We need a break. She needs her Meds! Our doc is very proffesional and renowned, and recommends she take her Meds which she has but refuses. There's so many reasons to leave! But four even more important kids that need me to stay! But at what cost. 😞

[Wallaby1]

Thank you all. We have 4 children! 5month boy, and girls age 4, 6 and 8. Oldest is not mine biologically. She and the others are aware I'm not her real dad! Wife thinks it's my fault he never got to know her! I'll deal with it if he want to see her but I need to be in the loop. I agree we need counciling, my wife refuses this along with the medication which our GP has prescribed, to be taken now, she uses the kids as pawns, she says I'm not welcome home if I go see my mum and bros and sister 3 of each! I miss them and don't get to see them much, she won't let me take the kids, wont have a bar of coming with me, says what have they ever done for us? So what I come from a poor family! They're always there on the end of the phone and always helpful where and when They can, my little bro has Spina Bifida and medical has always cost a lot! I'm always ready to help anyone, even when they can't repay me or anything, I don't care I just like doing it! I need help now and just didn't know where to go. I want to leave her, I can't just sit around all my life watching her be selfish and pass the blame on. It's just so wrong, but then again I'll do anything to make it better for the kids but I'm scared I'll turn into something horrible! I just can't keep silent about it, talking to her gets me nowhere at all, just yelling and saying I don't care about her because I like being active with the kids and having family fun outside the family home, her anxiety seems to be trapping her at home! In fact I nearly lost my job because she wouldn't let me travel out of town 1/2 hour for work on site! It seems she uses the kids and our relationship as pawns to get what she wants! I am so stressed and tired.

[Pixie15]

Hi Wallaby1,

Thanks for responding. I can understand where you are at I think. Your partner is suffering anxiety and trying to live within a certain controlled environment which is her comfort zone. Although it might be hard and others may disagree with me. I do not think that it is healthy for either of you or your children for you to allow her to limit your lives in this way.

It seems from what you have written that if your partner has given you this ultimatum to forgo the holiday you have no way to win. If you stay you give up your self respect and if you choose the holiday you give up your family. Do you think she understands the position she has placed you in?

Pixie.