My GF has depression, now she says she doesn't love me

[itsmii]

Hi, 

So my gf and I have been together for a bit over a year and everything was going so great. She told me from the start she had depression but that didn't change how I felt about her at all.

Right now things aren't looking too good, she is stressed out over exams and bad grades which has put her back into a bout of depression. I've also been a little jealous when she hangs out with other guys but I've been trying extremely hard to get over it.

Within the last month we have talked about moving in together, she has mentioned the idea of marriage, and also that if she were to ever have children she would want them to be with me. She tells me I'm perfect and that there's nobody else in the world for her.

Now she says she doesn't love me. She doesn't enjoy spending time with me, she has no sexual attraction towards me, and is quite cold towards me. She still enjoys hanging out with her other friends, and also baking etc which really hurts to know that the time where she is the unhappiest is with me. I don't know how her feelings can suddenly change like that, I love her more than anything and have supported her through everything. She wants space, we're giving each other a week without seeing/speaking to each other to see if that helps.

Also I should mention that she has never really had a high libido as she has very low body fat percentage which messes around with her hormones, so I'm just hoping that it's a combination of this and her stress + depression that is making her like this.

She has emailed her psychologist asking what she thinks, but I'm scared it's all going to end...I thought we were meant to be together, we already planned our futures and now this happens.

Any advice, similar stories or words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated

[Jacko777]

Hi itsmll,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. Sorry to hear all this, I can see this would be rather confusing and sad for you as you thought you would be together. 

I guess you can get through the week and go from there. I would want to know what caused this change of heart, is she thinking that she is not capable of keeping a relationship going? Perhaps this is the case as she has emailed her doctor. Or is she concerned about something you have done? Either way it would help if you could both communicate. 

As she is suffering from depression perhaps she is trying switch some thoughts off until she feels better. Hopefully she will soon realise that you are not the problem. Hang in there mate, hopefully this will turn out okay and I hope your gf is getting professional help with her depression.

Jack

[itsmii]

Hi Jack,

 Thanks for your reply. 

 The only 'issue' we've had is that at times I've been jealous of her seeing other male friends, I've been working really hard on getting over it and it is getting a lot easier. I'd just hate to think that because of my insecurities she sees that as enough for her to not love me anymore when I've been so accepting of her. 

I'm happy to give her the space she needs although it kills me to know I'm unable to see her or communicate with her. I've even suggested that if things don't get any better for us to go to couples therapy because I'm trying so hard to get our relationship back.

Is time something that does help the severity of depression? Do people with depression usually push those closest to them away while still enjoying the company of others?

Thanks

[Jacko777]

Thanks for your reply itsmll,

My opinion is that time usually only helps the severity of depression if one is following a mental health plan, that could include therapy and medication, in my experience it doesn't fix itself. It is important that your GF knows what she is suffering from, otherwise how can she treat it? Couples therapy is a good idea on your part, it might just be the thing that motivates her to work on her self as well as the relationship. Perhaps this week you can start working out what therapist you can both see, then you will have something to offer when you are communicating again. If you need help with this you could ring the BB phone service who are there to help.

I am glad you are working on your jealousy and I hope your GF knows you are working on it. I think being the partner of a person with depression means that she feels safe to be herself around you, she doesn't hide her depression away like she might in front of others. It sounds like you want to work on this which is great, however it might be confronting for her and when she is with others she can partly ignore that it exists, or at least divert her attention for a while.

Others on this site will have some ideas for you as well, you could search through the 'carer' resources also.

Jack  

[itsmii]

When I suggested the couples therapy she had mixed thoughts on it. She gets quite pessimistic when she's depressed which makes things hard. On one hand she says she really wants us to go back to how we were, but the other side to her thoughts is that the relationship is dying (which makes me so upset).

 Thank you for the possible thought process behind her enjoying time with other people, that makes a lot of sense and I think will be useful for me to keep in the back of my mind.

I hope she gets through this recent bout soon, maybe after she finishes her exams she'll become calmer

[JessF]

Hello itsmii, while depression does affect our emotions, we sometimes have to accept what people are telling us at face value.  She's saying she doesn't love you anymore, and doesn't want to spend time with you, yet is happy to spend time with others. That suggests that the problem is the relationship, as hard as that is to hear.

It's not uncommon for relationships to hit a turning point after the first year. It's a significant milestone and it's often a time when couples will part ways. 

[Miss-Anne-Throwpy]

Hey ya itsmii,

I hope you can sort this out. Speculation only here but perhaps you could benefit by also seeking assistance with your issues? You mentioned that you've been trying very hard to control your jealous instincts. How is that working out? (rhetorical).

I know in my personal situation any partner that makes me feel restricted or controlled or tries to boss me around, soon gets pushed away. If I'm depressed it's pretty harshly done. Freedom is something I reserve... freedom to be me, I mean. And I expect trust and no dramas with  whom I hang with.

I know this confuses them, but when I've been straight out it hasn't been effective and nor have they sought professional help with their problem. I always get told that I'm the one who needs the help. Well, I guess there's more than one perspective. But I hope my sharing that with you helps a little.

[pipsy]

Hi there.  I can't help wondering if she's just plain scared.  You've only been together for a year.  I know it sounds a long period of time, but really it's not that long.  Does she understand what you're insecurities about her talking to other men friends is all about.  I hate to ask, were you hurt by a previous relationship?  I know she's the one who suggested moving in, having children etc.  But she 'suddenly' got cold feet.  I don't think it's 'suddenly' at all.  When you first start a relationship, everything is 'rosy', you can't wait to be together, the idea of living together is grand.  With women, we, (once we're on our own) start to 'come back down to earth'.  Are we doing the right thing, how well do we really know our prospective partners.  Getting married is also scary.  Women usually mature quicker than men, too.  I think if you suggest slowing down on everything, give her a chance to talk to a psychologist (maybe you could talk to one, too).  Try asking her what she wants.  If she can't answer you, or doesn't know, just be there when she needs you, but give her space to work out what she wants.  I don't think she wants to end it, I think she just wants to slow down.

I think your friendship and support is incredible and I'm sure she really appreciates it.

[itsmii]

Hi Pipsy,

 Thank you for your reply

Yeah I've spoken to her about why I have my insecurities, I've been hurt a fair bit in the past which I know shouldn't impact the way I act around her. I've been trying to show her that I'm trying to fix myself, I've been reading lots of self-help books (I'm not much of a reader so this is something big for me) and also yesterday I decided it would be best if I booked in to see a psychologist to see if they can help me overcome my issues. 

I'm giving her the space she asked for (no contact until Sunday/Monday) and when I see her I'll tell her that we can take things as slow as she needs to, like I'm happy if we see each other once a week if that will help her ease back into our relationship. I'm not sure if this is an unreasonable idea, but I'm thinking of saying to her that as long as we are in a relationship she can have as much space as she needs, but if she breaks up with me I don't think I could handle still being a part of her life as a friend or anything because it would hurt me too much, and also I wouldn't be sure how I would cope if she broke up with me and then decided she wanted to get back together because emotionally this whole situation has me absolutely broken and I wouldn't want to experience this again. Is that an unfair thing to say? I'd go through hell and back for her to find her love for me again, I just hope she can find it while we are still together, I just want to see her happy again.

Thanks for the kind words, I've been trying my absolute best to support her and I've never judged her about her depression or self-harm, which I know has caused past friends/ex boyfriends to distance themselves from her because of it. I accept her and love her for who she is, I just want things to go back to how happy they were.

[pipsy]

Hi itsmii.  I think giving her space is the right thing for her at the moment.  Maybe when you see her, tell her she can have the space.  I wouldn't put any restrictions on how often you see each other.  Once she knows she has your complete trust in her to let her be herself, she may decide to rekindle the relationship.  If she decides she just wants friendship, I think it might be best if you explained (gently) why that wouldn't work for you.  Try not to blame her if she does want to end once and for all.  I understand why you couldn't be friends, I wouldn't be able to handle that either.  But, if it's 'all or nothing' for you, she needs to understand this.  She knows you love and accept her 'warts and all', she probably does appreciate this.  But she is obviously going through something she'll either share with you or not.  Let her know how happy she's made you (without pressure), but whatever her decision is, no matter how painful, it'll be the right one for both of you.  Just remember, if it's meant to be, it will be.  Good luck with the psychologist.  Good move, too.

BB is always here if you need to 'unload'.