Finding it hard to weather this downward cycle (again)

[doyoulikemyhat_]

Hi

We've had a rubbish few days and I kind of buckled under the stress this morning at work (not a good look!). I'm nearly 'done'.

My husband and I have been together for 13 yrs, two children, 8 and 4. He's from the UK from a rather close knit community of friends/family.

He's always been the smiley, friendly one who battled cycles of darkness every now and then but refused to accept he was depressed. He's disorganized, can never find anything (keys, wallet, phone etc), is terribly messy and just chaotic.

Two years ago, he was diagnosed with a life changing illness which has resulted in him not working for this past year.  He's been 'officially' diagnosed with depression and anxiety and is on antidepressants which have been tweaked over the past year to double the dosage.  When they're not working (or he decides he doesn't really need them) he's argumentative, picky, negative, anxious, lazy, short tempered and just seems to get tunnel vision.  Our marriage has suffered greatly, which he puts down to me not loving him the way that I should and putting the children first. We've been to marriage counseling but its not really helped, nothing has really changed. He has asked for a divorce numerous times but neither of us want to leave the kids.

He's in counseling himself and is at the gym once or twice per day for both physical and mental wellbeing. I'm back working part time. He's tried mindfulness at times.

His frame of mind is really effecting our eldest who tends to push him further away when he gets like this and this in turn makes him feel worse.  I have trouble offering any kind of warmth as I'm just so damn angry about it all (I know, he can't help it).

I just don't know what to do anymore.  This past weekend we were going for a bike ride and his anxiety about getting there caused such a big fuss prior to leaving I wanted to scream.  This morning my eldest got very upset because they were rushed so much by their dad to get ready for school and all because he's not organized at all.

I guess I feel like I'm always carrying the family then I get told that I'm hard and uncaring and only focus on the children. 

I strongly feel that a move back overseas to be by his family is the way to go (though its not all that easy for me) as he feels so unsupported here but he will not make a decision. He's scared of making the wrong decision all of the time/going home because he's 'failed'.

Any practical advice on managing this? - help!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Having had anxiety and zero patience I can relate.

A few things I'd like to comment on.

When ever we would plan a day out and I'd get anxious I'd ask how long my wife was going to be. Say she said  "20 minutes". Then I knew that prancing around the back door or near her was just going to be an obstruction so I'd find a task that lasted 20 minutes like checking the oil, radiator etc of our car....cleaning its windows.

If she said 5 minutes I'd check the air pressures. Essentially keeping busy is important when you have anxiety rather than getting under others feet.

You are his carer. Some time ago I wrote an article in this forum called "who cares for the carer?" Try google for it. You are under stress and need him to step up even though he has mental illness. Counselling sometimes doesnt hit the mark. I believe it needs both of you to life yourselves to care for each other. You have the base - your kids, that you both adore. Somehow you have to re- invent your marriage. Easier said than done. But then again such disorganisation would dive me nuts to.

If you have to separate can one of you get a residence nearby the family home and have shared care? Just a thought.

I hope others chip in here for some advice.

Tony WK

[doyoulikemyhat_]

Thanks Tony for your reply.

 The tips on leaving the house are interesting.  I had been asking him all day the day before to check the bikes but he put it off (assuming I'd do it I expect) until that morning and lost it at me.  

 Reinventing our marriage sounds like a good idea but I fear he's really not interested unless I totally change and become the adoring wife again. I've mentioned in counselling that I'm tired of being his rock but he almost holds it against me that I feel that way as it means I don't love him enough. 

 His illness has contributed to his need to live his life to the fullest and to be happy so I can only assume he feels he'd be happier without me (not the kids, he's a good dad)  and who knows perhaps I'm contributing to his depression?

 We currently rent and the running two houses may be prohibitive financially plus I'm not really sure he'd cope with the general running of a household as it's just not his thing -' don't sweat the small stuff' he reckons but it's the small stuff all added together which is breaking me slowly.  It's like having 3 children and I've become so resentful.

I can pick when he's down as the dissatisfaction and divorce speak starts.  It does pass and 'we're not so bad off' again, til the next time! 

My friend thinks I'm a saint for still hanging on in here but I keep thinking we can get past it and god knows I'm not perfect myself. 

[white knight]

Hi again

Your attitude is truly remarkable. Sometimes one can have a great attitude but it will never be enough. I proved that myself in my first marriage.

And it will wear you down further and further until you have zero left.

What you do have is a man that is a good dad. That is gold. Often the partner fails in that area also.

I cant put my finger on his problem. Obviously it is an attitude of his or a personality trait that refuses to accept you for how you are now. Some men are trapped inside their previous lives when young, perhaps a product of their parents generation rather than their own.

I'm 59yo. I often called women "love" and I feel its wrong, patronising for some. For me it is a view of endearment. But I'm fast becoming a dinosaur of the modern age with these tags my father used to give. I feel, that the changing of the world has overtaken the changing of me. Maybe your husband is like that too whereby his mentality is behind the times?

I'm sympathising over the housework though. Sorry to say- men generally are hopeless at it including me. I try but nope- am not good. Instead, I cook or hang out washing. So I tell my wife that I am not good at certain things - vacuuming, washing clothes (the colours run) dusting (I'll break things) etc. but am good at cooking, cutting wood, loading the fire, making beds. So we work it out and we are both happy. except for the dishwasher.....she has insisted I load it immediately a dish needs washing. It was a mexican standoff for 2 days but I gave in. I felt that if I cook I should leave the dishes to her etc. anyway, it isnt worth arguing.

Its sad counselling hasnt helped. I think in the hand sof a good one it would.

Please reconsider.

Tony WK

[doyoulikemyhat_]

white knight said:

Obviously it is an attitude of his or a personality trait that refuses to accept you for how you are now. Some men are trapped inside their previous lives when young, perhaps a product of their parents generation rather than their own.

Thank you White Knight - this part actually hit home for me.  I do believe this is part of the problem. Not sure what I'm going to do with it but I'll think on it.

Thank you also for your input. I'll suggest counseling again, though I think he'll be reluctant given our previous experience. I'm not saying it didn't help at the time.  It gave me a safe place to air my thoughts, though obviously I feel he's used them against me outside those four walls.

Onwards and upwards (for now).