Dear Confused
Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue.
Speaking from the viewpoint of a person with depression I will make a number of observations. Let me say first up that I consider your husband's behaviour inconsiderate and disrespectful.
Depression is a horrible illness which triggers all sorts of behaviours, many of which come across as very selfish. And in fact these are often selfish. One of these very common behaviours is withdrawing from family and friends, often combined with feelings of unworthiness and guilt.
The depressed person spends a great deal of time and energy pretending that all is well and in effect wears a mask to hide their real feelings and fears. When they are at home it seems they do not need to pretend a great deal and can treat their families in a manner that is unacceptable, using them to manage their own feelings of anger and fear.
Pushing away people you care about also means not explaining or confronting their own insecurities. Many marriages have resulted in separation because of this. One partner is depressed and the other tries to help but is excluded, finds the whole process overwhelming and leaves. Unfortunately the partner who leaves is often perceived as unsupportive.
In my opinion if a person can make the effort to be cheerful etc in the company of friends and colleagues then they can do the same with their families. If they have a limited reserve of energy then this should be expended at home and in putting strategies in place to get well, not socializing. Having said that I do understand that a false geniality feels better than being miserable, but it does nothing for the underlying problem.
Does you partner take any medication or receive any professional help from his GP or a psychologist? While these processes are not always necessary it would be good if he was properly diagnosed and treated. You may also consider having a chat to your GP about the situation.
I suggest your explore the BB site and read all the information relating to depression yourself. You can download this information or ask for it to be posted to you. Thoroughly explore everything as there is so much you can learn. Talking to friends can give you a feeling of relief for a short time, but often friends do not have a great deal of accurate knowledge about depression.
When you feel fed up or upset, try talking to the people on the Beyond Blue helpline. The number is 1300 22 4636 and is available 24/7.
I hope you will reply and tell us a little more about yourself and your partner.
Mary
