My mum has depression, and is taking it out on me.

[LucyMadeline]

I am trying to hard to be understanding. My Mum has had depression her whole life and therefore all of my life, but three weeks ago her mum died and she is at a whole new level. Its not even like her depression is bad, shes been much worse than this before. She is just intentionally saying hurtful things to the whole family, especially me as i work from home so i am around much more. She is just really taking things out on me and saying things that are completely untrue and bullying. I am lost for what to do. It is making me really upset and honestly making me resent her. I just want to be away from her. 

[pipsy]

Hi LM.  I do feel sorry for you, but it sounds as though depression is making your mum Narcissistic.  She misses her mum understandably, maybe feels a bit guilty because she couldn't stop her from dying.  She's lashing out because she has no other outlet for her anger at losing her mum.  I think it might be an idea if you could move away for a while.  Suggesting she seek counselling is a good idea, but it would have to come from someone she would listen to.  Everything you're saying points to severe depression and anger.  Mourning loss of a loved one takes many forms, anger, resentment (how dare they die?).  Guilt then comes in because of the anger.  You just happen to be the one who's coping it.  I don't think she's intentionally flaring up at you, but you do need to try to absent yourself.  The Narcissism is possibly also because of needing to blame someone (anyone) for something she couldn't stop.  Have you thought about suggesting grief counselling.  As I said, any suggestion to help her would have to come from someone not directly involved.

BB has some counsellors who may be able to suggest something.  Perhaps you could see her G.P about the situation.

Hope something I've said, helps.

[white knight]

Hi Lucy, welcome to beyond blue forums

Firstly allow me to say how sorry I am to hear of your grandmothers death. Sympathy to you and your family.

Let me talk about your mum. She has, through her mental illness, been on a thread of survival for many years. Think of it like this. 

Lets say "normal" people have an emotional and mentally tolerant bucket  That bucket begins to fill with problems as we go about our daily lives. Then when the bucket has half filled it drains as we relax or seek comfort from others or we get a high from things like hobbies and the like. Essentially for many normal people that bucket never overflows. Overflowing is when you cannot cope with life, with people and with your illness.

Now, in your mums case (as with many of us here) our bucket is nearly full and once we have got that bucket full it rarely drains any lower. Everytime there is a problem or emotional experience that bucket overflows and when it does we have little control. We need medication to drain away some fluid so we get the level down a little, some relaxation, some inner spiritual peace, some family and supportive friends. All this however lowers the fluid level a little each. But never does it empty the bucket fully. It's like we are scarred heavily. And thats why we talk about managing our illness rather than talk of full recovery.

In your mums case the bucket has has a wave of grief and sadness ON TOP OF her already full bucket. At this time she needs everyone especially you. Even though it seems otherwise by her unthoughtful comments. So what can you do?

You support her with short comments.  "Even though that was a nasty comment mum, I love you and I'm here for you"...."stop yelling mum and we can talk calmly over a cuppa....it's ok mum, we can have a cuppa"

Dont buy into an arguement. Her words at this time is a sign of desperation.

One idea it the above. Offer a cuppa and make a plan to have that cuppa in a calm place. For example. If my wife and I have a short argument. One of us offers a cuppa under the gazebo. Notice its a place, different than where we argued. A change of environment is the key. We did this recently and we observed several finches grazing on the ground. Suddenly our argument didnt matter.

A little gift helps occasionally. It will mean you care to her. One friend recently sent my wife a matchbox with a small cut out heart inside it. She has left it near her mirror and loves it. It doesnt have to cost anything.

Take care

Tony WK