Procrastination to anxiety to self loathing ....

[Aurellia]

My son finally came to us to seek help for depression and anxiety earlier this year and is thankfully now seeing a CBT professional.

His anxiety is caused in part by an inability to act on tasks that he has to do as part of life - I realise that this is characteristic of many young men, but in this case his inability to act leads to bigger consequences  which subsequently makes him feel useless, self loathing sets in, and the cycle continues . He described it very articulately as seeing a door that he needs to walk through, but all he can focus on is a small nail sticking out from the door frame that he will get stuck on.

When I see it is starting to get overwhelming, I offer to take some of his tasks from him or help him, which he refuses as he is too proud to admit that he can't do it, often this also leads to him completely with drawing from me. 

I feel I am stuck, I have suggested setting small achievable goals, but the very notion of setting goals sends him into a panic. My husband is starting to lose patience which sets up another tension.

I'd appreciate any suggestions or advice from others.

[Pixie15]

Hi Aurellia,

Welcome to the bb forums. I too have family members who have anxiety and have trouble getting themselves to do the tasks that are necessary. They will generally be left until a disaster is pending. From my experience though it is not really helpful to try and do their tasks for them. Depending of course on how necessary the task is and if I will be directly impacted by it not being done. 

There is a publication in the resources on the site here for carers with a lot of helpful information on caring for yourself and your family member or friend which I have found really helpful. There is also an online interactive resource called Foundations for Carers which has some good information on maintaining boundaries.

cheers,

Pixie.

[Narniakid]

Hi Aurellia!

As somebody who has been through similar experiences, I can tell you that offering to help on something he is stuck on will only make him feel more frustrated and push you away further, despite you only wanting the best for your son.

As Pixie suggested, have a read of the resources for carers here on the website. Well done on sending your son to a professional - perhaps you can mention your concerns to them, and they will be able to find the root of the problem during the sessions with your son.

Perhaps you could find a reward that could act as a motivator for him to achieve some smaller goals? What I use to motivate myself is a mood board - I've covered it in inspiring quotes, photos of places I'd like to travel to one day, and any other goals I have. I hang it next to my work space, to motivate me and remind me what I'm working towards. I also use a mental rewards system to motivate myself i.e. "if i do my list of chores, i'll reward myself with an hour or so of watching one of my favourite movies".

Remember that anxiety thrives on avoidance, and negative thoughts are just reactions to fear. I wish you all the best with your son!

Crystal

[geoff]

dear Aurellia, hello and great for you to join the BB forum.

The replies from Pixie and Crystal are both very good and true, so can I suggest that if you are able to take their replies as what could have happened to them, so it's then an important reply.

From what he has said typifies the problem ' but all he can focus on is a small nail sticking out from the door frame that he will get stuck on', and all this means is the same as what you have said  in this case his inability to act leads to bigger consequences  which subsequently makes him feel useless, self loathing sets in', so maybe he can't focus on what he actually wants to do.

He has to get passed this nail and believe that his doctor will be able to direct him in the direction and on the way be of assistance to him, so that the nail then becomes the door knob, and when the door is open will put him into a situation that people can help, but they know how he feels and understand and want his trust with them so that he himself knows this and accepts this.

It is impossible for someone else to try and do any task that they are stuck on, and if they do it won't mean anything to him, because it's just someone butting in on what they do, irrespective that they feel as though they are helping, they're not.

I know that this maybe disappointing for us to say this, but it's happened to us and it was annoying, sorry, because overcoming anxiety is a huge concern. L Geoff. x

[Aurellia]

Thanks All

i really appreciate your advice, not easy for me to do, but I get it.... will check out the resources

Thanks agan

A