Family member suffering depression and anxiety and we don't know how to help

[Syma]

Hi All,

I am brand new to this forum and website so apologies if this has been asked before (I'm sure it has!)

We've just learnt that my 20yr old brother is severely depressed and has spoken about suicide. As soon as we found out this week we went to his house and brought him home (he lives in a different state), he reluctantly came with us but continued to tell us that we've ruined his life and have made everything worse by coming to his house and also by bringing him home.

He has been calling our mother every week in tears saying how much he hates his life and the person he has become, his self esteem is at rock bottom. He also seems crippled by indecision and it seems his thoughts are on a loop - one minute he's saying he doesn't know what to do and then he continues refusing our suggestions and help and it continues to repeat all day. I can't imagine what it's like to be in his head right now, it's heart breaking to see him spend whole days just staring into space.

I know it's probably a long road to recovery and I think (hope!) we've done the right thing by bringing him home, despite his protesting. I can't stand the idea of him being all alone in this situation and being so far away from us.

Does anyone have any suggestions on steps to handle this situation? Should we continue to try and take him to see a doctor or should we just wait for him to come to us when he feels ready? Right now we're focusing on trying to feed him as he hasn't been eating, trying to get him out into the sunshine, and making sure he knows we're here for him.

Any and all advice appreciated, this is a totally new situation to me and our poor mum is struggling with it big time as he's laying all the blame on her for everything.

Thanks for reading and all advice appreciated.

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[Zeal]

Hi Syma,

Welcome to the forum 🙂

First off, you are an awesome sister. Despite being new to this situation and not knowing a lot about depression, you are doing a great job. Living alone for those with suicidal tendencies is often dangerous, so bringing your brother back to live with you was a good move, even though he is frustrated by this. Unfortunately, he will resist and disagree with things which are designed to help him. Taking him to a doctor is important, as those with depression often resist help or don’t go out and seek it. He sounds as though he is very controlled by his depression, and needs someone to guide him.

I can imagine how distressing this must be for your Mum, and for you too. You can both read fact sheets on depression and anxiety on Beyondblue. Go to the Resources tab, then select Family and Friends, and it’s the first drop-down option. Your doctor can also give you access to resources.

I hope you and your family are able to help your brother and cope with this difficult situation. With time and support, hopefully he will start to make some of his own decisions towards recovery.

Best wishes,

SM

[geoff]

dear Syma, thank you for approaching this site on what seems to be an impossible task, well there are two answers to this, and 1 is he will reject you and the rest of your family, which is not what anyone of us want, and 2 that he might decide to take off, without anyone knowing.

Both of these are possible, but you are right when you say ' I can't imagine what it's like to be in his head right now', because whether or not he is trying to grapple at straws, in other words try and find a solution, unfortunately he won't be able to, because he is too confused, he can't keep his mind on one thought, they just drift around from one problem to another, so at the end of the day there are too many to even think about, confusing him.

I don't know whether you know if he has just had a terrible upsetting breakup, but personally I wouldn't ask him that question straight up, if this has happened, he will bring something up when he decides to talk along those lines, but it has to come from him.

Can I remind you that someone with depression doesn't particularly like being told where he should live, only because it breaks his own space, where he can be alone, but really it's good that you have been so kind to try and help him.

Are you able to be close to him during the day, because an eye has to be kept on him, as he's still very vulnerable.

What I am also concerned about is you and your mum, as this would be playing a heavy toll on the both of you, so can I suggest that the both of you go and see your doctor.

It is going to be a long haul, but I really would appreciate if you could sending in on what's happening, because there is so much more to talk about. L Geoff. x