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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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Sly Feeling like I'm burning out.
  • replies: 2

Don't know where to begin, I feel like screaming. My partner and I have been together just on 3 years (we have re-coupled since a break up in our early 20's). He experienced an intense childhood, a highly religious family with frequent physical abuse... View more

Don't know where to begin, I feel like screaming. My partner and I have been together just on 3 years (we have re-coupled since a break up in our early 20's). He experienced an intense childhood, a highly religious family with frequent physical abuse, a white australian boy with a family that converted to Islam in a time where Islam wasn't common news. In the 3 years we have been together it has been nothing but problems....job instability, bankruptcy, loss of drivers license, loss of employment, a break down and now me living with him in his parents house while he frequently sees GP's, psychologists and psychiatrists who have diagnosed him with everything from Depression to PTSD, PTS, G.A.D and now the latest one Adjustment Disorder. One thing they all agree on is the meds he must take, that he can't be cleared for work (his license; within his job field, has been suspended due to mental Instability) oh, and they can't allow me to access any form of financial assistance (his income protection) because none of them can agree on a diagnosis. This has been going on since October 2014. during this time I regularly work 6-7 days a week (the last 11 weeks I worked straight) and I drive up to 4 hours a day (because I live with him in the country, despite working in the city) I've had 4 flus this year and have just recovered from bronchialpneumonia. I am exhausted, over life and over him. On top of all of this my Dad died, my mums depressed and I am also helping her financially because she won't sell the house....because my Dad built it. I've gained so much weight, I'm tired all the time! Im so angry and I feel so helpless. is it wrong for me to want to leave him? Sometimes I just think of running away from it all. I'm in my early 30's for God sake! We should be in love and planning a life.....

Chelly My partner has depression/anxiety. How can I help him?
  • replies: 2

I need help/advice! I have been with my partner for a few years now and we have had a wonderful close relationship. However about a year ago he started acting differently - quick to anger, more negative, not wanting to socialise, jealous, lower self ... View more

I need help/advice! I have been with my partner for a few years now and we have had a wonderful close relationship. However about a year ago he started acting differently - quick to anger, more negative, not wanting to socialise, jealous, lower self esteem, etc. This got worse and worse over a few months. As well as this he began smoking weed on a daily basis instead of the rare recreational occasion. I expressed concern about the weed but there was no stopping him. One night I found him having a severe anxiety attack which he said started because he was thinking about money problems. I told him I thought the weed was causing all this but he responded that the weed has been the only thing helping him. I took him to the Gp the next day where he did some questionnaires that said he had severe depression and anxiety. I made sure he informed the GP that his mother has bipolar disorder but the GP didn't think it was that. He was prescribed an anxiety medication called loxalate and referred to a psychologist. It took a lot of convincing to finally get him to make an appointment, meanwhile the loxalate tablets were giving him severe migraines, endless need to sleep, nausea and many sick days off work. He threw them out and vowed to never use medication again! He started seeing the psychologist weekly and was starting to improve. I took him away camping one weekend which really helped and he became almost himself again so he stopped seeing the psychologist. Then one day for no good reason he snapped again and slipped straight back into depression which lasted about 2 weeks then he got better for a month then bad again for a week, then good, then bad, it's a roller coaster! He is currently having a very bad week, and I should mention he says suicidal things and tries to break up with me during these episodes (his reason being that I can do better and he's just making me unhappy). He has anxiety attacks more often now. I have done my best to stay positive but I feel like this will just keep happening to him. I know it's not his fault and it's not the real-him but he's not much fun to be around. I have no intention of giving up on him but if I did I honestly believe he would be a suicide risk. He NEEDS to get better! Has anyone had a partner like this? Giving up weed and taking medications are not an option, he is so stubborn! I also suspect bipolar but he is strongly in denial because he doesn't want to end up like his mother. What do I do? Please help!

KateMate How can I help my Dad with Anxiety/depression
  • replies: 1

Hello all, Wondering if someone can suggest some tips, or help me out please. my brother and dad have recently become homeless and I have offered to take my father in, my brother is going to live with out mum. I am not 100% sure of what is going on, ... View more

Hello all, Wondering if someone can suggest some tips, or help me out please. my brother and dad have recently become homeless and I have offered to take my father in, my brother is going to live with out mum. I am not 100% sure of what is going on, but my fathers relationship broke down and he has been left with a large debt and is very stressed. As I am his daughter (with a son of my own) I feel like hope doesn't want to worry me, but he isn't telling me what's going on and I have no experiences to draw on in this field. It started out as appointments with a psych 'as part of a an insurance claim formality' and then it became one type of medication, and then another set 'just to help me sleep' now another 'to stop the stress' nothing to worry about Kate. He mentioned that the GP and Psychologist or Psychiatrist want him to be in a hospital, 'but just to be away from all the stress at that house (ex's)'. Yesterday it was that he has 'clinical depression' and nobody at his house noticed before, or helped him earlier... So I am very worried, why would the GP office by calling dad to see if he wants to come in, do they put people in hospital to get away from stress???I asked on ru ok day if he was suicidal but he said something like 'no! don't worry about that!' Not sure how I can best be prepared to help with anxiety and/or depression. I am a single mother with a 3yo who is well behaved - but still a frustrating toddler, and I am dads 'little girl' who he won't want to worry, he has been told not to work, but continues to do work for mates. Do I leave him alone at the house and keep it cal and quiet, or do I bring him out with us, should I organise more activities for my brother, dad, son and I to do together (watch the footy, clear the shed, go camping etc) Any advice appreciated, thanks

seri helping family member
  • replies: 5

Im hoping someone here can help offer a some advice, my Mum as taken in my brother who became homeless due to hoarding, he also has depression, and an alcoholic my Mum is well into her 70's and just cant cope with him, she has phoned a number of serv... View more

Im hoping someone here can help offer a some advice, my Mum as taken in my brother who became homeless due to hoarding, he also has depression, and an alcoholic my Mum is well into her 70's and just cant cope with him, she has phoned a number of services trying to get help and no one can offer a solution, he can not stay with her any longer, has anyone been in a similar situation and good offer some advice

OneReasonToSmile How much do I share with my depressed ex?
  • replies: 1

My partner and I recently separated after almost 2 years together. He has suffered from depression and anxiety for many years and I knew this from the start, however I'm still learning about the illness. We separated because we both need time to work... View more

My partner and I recently separated after almost 2 years together. He has suffered from depression and anxiety for many years and I knew this from the start, however I'm still learning about the illness. We separated because we both need time to work on ourselves, without the 'burden' of taking care of each other. I think we both had ideas and expectations of what a partner should do, for example take care of the other and think of the other's feelings etc but it was actually becoming a real burden and created guilt and shame for our failings to fit the role. We both needed to be selfish and take care of ourselves first before we could continue in our relationship. Despite our separation, we still talk almost daily via messaging. We agreed that we still wanted to be part of each other's lives and I always tell him to let me know if he needs space. He's actually started messaging me first and asking about my day, which is unbelievably touching!! I see it as a sign that he's getting better because he's starting to see beyond his depression, which is great. I know he's still struggling but he's making lots of progress. My question is, and I'm hoping you can share some insight on this, how much should I share with him? I am absolutely thrilled to see him improving but at the same time I'm struggling myself. I miss him dearly and want to get back together but I know he can't handle a relationship right now so I'm not going to ask. Do I let him know how I feel? The last thing I want is to put pressure on him, and even if I'm not asking, is telling him going to make him feel pressured? I've also been having a rough time lately as I run my own business and a problem client is causing me financial and emotional stress. Its been tough and I don't know how to answer him when he asks how my day was when sometimes, its been miserable. How much do I share with him? I don't want to add more to his depression, I don't want him to feel guilty as he might see it as his failure to be there for me through this (he's an amazing guy and completely selfless so I'm scared this is how he'll think) but at the same time, he's someone who's opinion means a lot to me and when he asks me how I am, I want to be honest with him as I would expect him to be with me. The depression complicates things because I'm not sure if I'm being unfair to him by unloading my baggage when he's got so much to deal with already. I would appreciate any insight or advice you can offer please!

Bijou15 Severely depressed husband coming off meds
  • replies: 4

Severely depressed husband coming off anti depression meds. How do I deal with his moods and aggression towards me plus he is heavily drinking to cope. I have a 2 year old son that I'm trying to raise amongst all of this! I need some advice?

Severely depressed husband coming off anti depression meds. How do I deal with his moods and aggression towards me plus he is heavily drinking to cope. I have a 2 year old son that I'm trying to raise amongst all of this! I need some advice?

Mayas Partner Depressed and not Coping Getting Very Angry
  • replies: 1

My partner has been suffering from depression and anxiety on and off since I met him about 4.5 years ago. This is something which he has always carried with him and has caused him to destroy his life over and over again. When he is faced with a stres... View more

My partner has been suffering from depression and anxiety on and off since I met him about 4.5 years ago. This is something which he has always carried with him and has caused him to destroy his life over and over again. When he is faced with a stressful situation he can't cope and rather than dealing with the issue he gets angry and lashes out to those closest to him. Namely me. We have been living together this entire time, however, we have been under a lot of strain at times and he sometimes goes out late at night wandering the streets or sitting in his car thinking about things. He has trouble sleeping and is possibly suffering from PTSD. He won't seek help as has been previously and sees it as a waste of time. He feels none can help him and has been pushing me away. He is currently experiencing great difficulty in his work place and believes he is going to get fired. Even though I know he has had many issues at work with management and co-workers and has had to bring a bullying charge against one individual I don't think they have any grounds to fire him. I think he is just so depressed and down he believes the worst is going to happen. He has just told me that he needs to go away for a few days to figure things out. The difficult thing for me is that he won't tell me where he has gone and I am extremely worried about him as he seems to have lost all hope. He has also asked that I don't contact him during this time and said he will contact me when he feels ready as he is hurting so much its not safe to be around him at the moment. I don't know whether having no contact is the right thing to do. I don't think he could handle me calling him and wouldn't do that but maybe I should text him to show my support and love. Any advice would be appreciated.

Jane42 Anxiety or Night Terrors ?
  • replies: 1

Hi I hope I am posting in the right area here. My 11 year old son recently had to have a tooth removed prior to having braces put on. It was very traumatic for him, he has anxiety about dentists. He got through the procedure but that night he had wha... View more

Hi I hope I am posting in the right area here. My 11 year old son recently had to have a tooth removed prior to having braces put on. It was very traumatic for him, he has anxiety about dentists. He got through the procedure but that night he had what has since been described to me as a night terror. I thought it was maybe more related to the happy gas and he was acting really strange. Moving on from that he has had these episodes 1 or 2 nights a week where he either wakes up or like tonight, he had not even gone to sleep and has come out really distressed saying it is happening... the best way he can describe is that he feels like he is up high and everything is really small. He shakes, coughs, is frightened and it is taking him a couple of hours to settle again. I am planning on taking him to the Dr for a full checkup , he has never had anything like this and he says it is because of the tooth removal but the only thing i can think it has triggered an anxiety. Poor thing.. i feel so helpless and just wanted to know if anyone else has experienced anything like this. Thanks

reeanna PTSD and Depression: partners and carers
  • replies: 1

Today iv found, im not sure where a true physical illness begins or what may just be a symptom. My husband has PTSD and depression. He wont evin make himself a coffee, and today he says hes unwell with a stomach thing and dizzyness. I feed him, try t... View more

Today iv found, im not sure where a true physical illness begins or what may just be a symptom. My husband has PTSD and depression. He wont evin make himself a coffee, and today he says hes unwell with a stomach thing and dizzyness. I feed him, try to make him eat, but dont forse, do everything you would for a child minus showering etc. The grimpyness mixed with sad mixed with ill is hard work mentally. Issue's with other people's incompatance, "in his mind" are through the roof. Having him get through a conversation with anyone on the phone "or meeting" without a meltdown of some kind is stressing!! Tell me im not alone? Is anyone else trying to cope with these issue's and moor?

MumPlus3 Depressed husband and son, feeling worn out
  • replies: 2

My husband is depressed, and is currently taking antidepressants...my eldest son (I have 3 kids) has Tourette's syndrome, OCD and ADHD. My other son is free of all of these difficulties, and I also have a little baby girl. Sometimes I feel that betwe... View more

My husband is depressed, and is currently taking antidepressants...my eldest son (I have 3 kids) has Tourette's syndrome, OCD and ADHD. My other son is free of all of these difficulties, and I also have a little baby girl. Sometimes I feel that between my husband and my eldest son I have to give so much, bend so much and tolerate so much, I am absolutely exhausted by the end of the day and while I love my husband, I do sometimes fantasize about life without him. He works and earns the money and I do appreciate that, of course, but he resents helping around the house, doesn't want to ever go anywhere or take the kids anywhere on weekends...his idea of the perfect weekend would be me and the kids going to stay with my mum in Tasmania so he can play the PS3 all day and night. I feel sorry for him, I know I am high energy and he just isn't, but I just feel so worn out from having to be the mum and the dad on weekends that I do wonder if we're better off apart. We sleep in separate rooms, have done since our youngest baby came along, so we barely connect anymore....help, how do I get him to tune back in to this family and help me with our very needy eldest son? My husband "checked out" a long time ago...how can we reconnect? I don't really think he enjoys being a dad most of the time...he would rather be alone with his PS3!!!!