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Carmela Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience
  • replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel s... View more

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

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JTW My husband has recently been diagnosed with depression and anxiety
  • replies: 3

This coming Sunday will be our 1 year anniversary! It was about 8 months into our marriage that my husband had the courage to share his feelings of hopelessness, suicidal thoughts and general lack of happiness. It was after he read an article on a fo... View more

This coming Sunday will be our 1 year anniversary! It was about 8 months into our marriage that my husband had the courage to share his feelings of hopelessness, suicidal thoughts and general lack of happiness. It was after he read an article on a football player and his struggle with depression that my husband began to realise that his constant negative train of thoughts were not 'normal', for lack of a better word. I am so incredibly thankful that he shared with me! The first thing I did was research depression and learned how to get my husband onto a mental health plan. He was very keen to begin treatment but wasn't very proactive in his approach, so I organised doctor's appointments to refer him to a psychologist and started the process by going with him and supporting him this way. We have so many psychologists in the area so I researched their level of experience and areas of expertise to find a few people who I thought would really suit and I gave him the details so he could make the choice. My husband has now been going to fortnightly sessions for the past 4 months and although there is no end in sight he's taken the first step! Our relationship has grown stronger since the process has started. Don't get me wrong, some days/weeks are hard, incredibly hard actually, but there are reasons for so many things now that I couldn't understand before! We can have great nights out together now where if he's feeling anxious or down he just gives me a look and we go, whereas previously he would have taken his feelings out on me in a public way (putting me down in front of friends, ignoring me, acting immaturely) and it would impact heavily on our feelings towards each other. Before he wouldn't help out around the house and we'd constantly have the same arguments over pulling his weight, now if he's not helping out I approach the discussion in a completely different way so as to not accuse and invoke those negative thoughts. I believe that knowledge is power - the threads I've read on here and the advice given helped me a lot to approach this time in our lives with positivity and support. So thank you everyone for sharing your stories and words of advice.

xxsnowxx How to support my partner?
  • replies: 1

My partner is diagnosed with depression sometime last year. The doctor recommended some medication but my partner refused to take it . My partner did not seek for any help from a therapist and I do not know how to help. Has anyone experienced a simil... View more

My partner is diagnosed with depression sometime last year. The doctor recommended some medication but my partner refused to take it . My partner did not seek for any help from a therapist and I do not know how to help. Has anyone experienced a similar situation? I would like some advice on how to provide the support that my partner needs. What can I do that will help make things better or easier? Can someone help me understand what my partner is experiencing because I am feeling very helpless and hopeless in this situation. Thank you for reading and I appreciate everyone's advice and comments

AmberAvenue Loving someone with BiPolar. A blessing and a curse.
  • replies: 3

The biggest lesson I've learnt from being in love with someone with bipolar is that all the things that have made him interesting, exciting, enticing and extraordinary in my eyes, have also provided an equal yet opposite sense of despair, disconnect,... View more

The biggest lesson I've learnt from being in love with someone with bipolar is that all the things that have made him interesting, exciting, enticing and extraordinary in my eyes, have also provided an equal yet opposite sense of despair, disconnect, challenge and hurt. We can't be together. We can't be without each other. We've had our own families and partners, but always remained lovers; almost to say that we have a co-dependent addiction to each other. For the first time in his adult life, he has finally started receiving some professional guidance and management for his illness. After a childhood full of ADHD related medications and implications, a teenage period full of the most intense form of disabling depressions and abhorrent anti-social behaviour, I have finally cracked through his shell and shown him the path to acknowledgement and acceptance of his illness. I heard my own words to him "This is just the beginning. It's a long journey, you have to be prepared for that. Listen to professional advice. Seek a support network, don't isolate yourself. We're here to pull you through the darkest times, when you are doubting yourself. But we cant do that if you shut us out. Trust yourself. Trust me. We can do this together. " Yet, ironically I find myself drawing on those same words of advice for myself. I cannot help but have dark times, I distrust myself, I doubt myself and I even isolate myself as a carer. Loving someone with Bipolar feels like the most exhausting lifelong game of tug of war. I have blisters, I don't feel like my arms are mine anymore and I am literally just holding the rope in a deadlock until I feel that familiar jolt. Sometimes it jolts me forward to him, sometimes I feel slackness and I stumble back, realising that he has fed me a little over my line. A pleasant surprise, but always catches me off-guard. To anyone who is in love with someone with mental illness: Your love is both a blessing and a curse. You have a choice to either listen to your heart or your brain, and I actually think the most powerful resource for me has been my brain. My heart hypnotises me with lust and ache, whereas my brain keeps me clear headed and able to perform the role of carer as I would always strive to. Goodluck carers. x

Daniellep Our family unit put to the test.
  • replies: 1

Our 9 year old daughter has been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety . She has been living with it for a few years. We finally sought professional advice after we ran out of home options and at home self help strategies. We are a whole family in crisis. ... View more

Our 9 year old daughter has been diagnosed with PTSD and anxiety . She has been living with it for a few years. We finally sought professional advice after we ran out of home options and at home self help strategies. We are a whole family in crisis. She is seeing a psychologist twice a week who is working hard to help. Often we find it difficult to have down time in our house and when she is in crisis all of us get very stressed. It only seems to happen when we have finished running around for the afternoon and it's time for home work/ tea and bed. Its worse when all 5 of us are together . It causes friction amongst siblings and my partner and I. Does this happen to other families? How can we help her instead of all getting worked up? Any real life suggestions would be help ful. We would like to reclaim our evenings and have a more positive and calm approach to help her.

loopylouise He wants to do it alone ... so how do I give him the support I know he needs?
  • replies: 6

My beautiful, amazing boyfriend has struggled with anxiety in the past, I've had my own anxiety issues too but we've been able to support one another and help each other through. Recently, I moved a few hours away for a new job, he was unhappy in his... View more

My beautiful, amazing boyfriend has struggled with anxiety in the past, I've had my own anxiety issues too but we've been able to support one another and help each other through. Recently, I moved a few hours away for a new job, he was unhappy in his job at home so decided to make the move to where I was. Basically, the move hasn't really been great for him. His expectations of being close to his friends again, he's gone from a full time job back to university so the massive, massive change hasn't been easy. And probably for the last couple of months I've noticed a change in him, he stopped taking his anxiety medication and slowly but surely, he's started to become withdrawn. I'm in a job where Friday comes and the last thing I want to do is go out and drink, but this is all he wants to do and because I don't want to go it has started to really annoy him. He's started becoming distant with me and not telling me things when we've always had amazing communication. I actually started to think he wasn't interested in me anymore then last week he tells me he has hit rock bottom. He went to the doctor this week and has been told he has depression, so is now taking new medication for this. But he keeps avoiding me and pushing me away and I'm heartbroken. On the weekend he told me he doesn't know what's going on in his head ... but all he is sure of is he wants to be with me. After going to the doctor (two days later), he told me he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore and said he's falling out of love with me. I told him all I want to do is help him and his response was ... "I just want to do this alone." I'm gutted and heartbroken, all I want to do is be his support. So what do I do? I want him to know I still care, but how do I do that without pushing him away? I've told him I'm giving him all the space and time he needs. I've also contacted two of his close friends, and his brother, to let them know what's going on and to look out for him. I'm just so lost and I think I've rambled on enough (sorry) ... what do I do? I don't want to lose my best friend and the one I love the most.

Childhood_Love1990 Childhood Sweetheart Lost in Depression
  • replies: 10

I have been trying to understand what has happened to my partner of 6 years.12 months ago he started to show signs of a change in behavior, I didn't understand only that he was blaming me for being up and down or yelling at the children, blame blame,... View more

I have been trying to understand what has happened to my partner of 6 years.12 months ago he started to show signs of a change in behavior, I didn't understand only that he was blaming me for being up and down or yelling at the children, blame blame, I am not happy he says.he up and left without warning, he returned 6 weeks later and life carried on. when I look back I see that the cracks when he returned would appear and then disappear in his behavior, his drinking would escalate, his anger would escalate, he would settle down and become happy again and this pattern continued. 6 months ago, just prior to him turning 40 he dropped the bomb, he was leaving, he didn't go, he did it again but this time he left. I was gutted and in shock. I didn't see it coming. Here was a man who had literally changed overnight, he had become angry, he had become withdrawn, he was detached, he left and cut us off. I begged I pleaded, I did everything but he wont come home. He has changed, he wont come to the house, he has withdrawn from any trace of our life together. He acts angry, then he cries, he wont reconcile, he doesn't love me he says, the feelings have changed. He goes in waves and motions from crying to anger, to blame, to anger, passing blame for what was happening to him. He has shut down from responsibilities to the relationship He cant see the hurt he has put me through, he wont let me support him, he finally told me he is depressed, that he has demons, never dealt with his ex wife having an affair, he never got answers he said we are the collateral damage of this, he said that he doesn't love me anymore and that is why we wont come home, his feelings have changed, he cant reconnect.I tried to talk to him about the symptoms of depression, I asked him to let me help him he wont..He cries as to how our life came to this. he doesn't understand,he has a new friend he claims who is someone to talk to, that hurts.He is detached, he wont see through the fog.I have to walk away and take care of my daughter and believe that he may realize what he has lost.I have lost my best friend

Neilie How to help a friend, how to make her get the treatment and help she needs?!
  • replies: 3

My friend visited me yesterday, and completely broke down and admitted she is suffering from depression and anxiety. Her Dad passed away a year ago, and I knew she was having a very hard time dealing with his death, but I didn't realise it was this s... View more

My friend visited me yesterday, and completely broke down and admitted she is suffering from depression and anxiety. Her Dad passed away a year ago, and I knew she was having a very hard time dealing with his death, but I didn't realise it was this serious. She admitted that a few weeks after her second child was born and her Dad also had a stroke at that time (around 2 years ago), that she was tested for depression and diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. She said she was prescribed medication and briefly spoke to a professional... but after taking the medication for a week or two her husband told her there is no such thing as depression and it is 'all in her head' and he threw out her medication. She is living a few hours away and is completely isolated from her family and friends. Her husband works long days 6 or sometimes 7 days a week. She told me she stays at home all day with two children under 4yrs, and that she rarely leaves the house. I am shocked that she has been living this way with this illness for so long without any support from her husband or a professional. She has been saying for a year now since her dad passed away that she needs to go and talk to someone (psychiatrist/psychologist).... but it never seems to eventuate. My question is how can I help her? How can I best support her? I feel like making an appointment for her to see someone, but I don't know if that is over-stepping my boundary? I think she is also concerned about cost, as she is a full time stay at home mum and would have to ask her husband for money to see a professional. Seeing as he does not 'believe' in depression, I suspect he is not being very helpful. Are there free services available? I also have no idea which health professional she should be/needs to see? This is all new to me so I am just trying to find out as much info as possible and try to get her treated by a professional ASAP! If anyone can offer advice and steer me in the right direction it would be extremely helpful. Thanks in advance.

alwaysLearning I feel like I'm in a no win situation with my BPD partner
  • replies: 1

Hi and thank you for the opportunity to share my thoughts. First I would like to say that my partner has not been professionally diagnosed as having BPD, in fact she refuses to seek help about herself and insists that the issues are all to do with me... View more

Hi and thank you for the opportunity to share my thoughts. First I would like to say that my partner has not been professionally diagnosed as having BPD, in fact she refuses to seek help about herself and insists that the issues are all to do with me, that her behaviour which ranges from self harm, talks of suicide, depression, anger are all due to my actions. It wasn't until I accidently stumbled upon a book "Walking on eggshells" that I realised the possibility that she may suffer from BPD, the checklist was spot on demonstrating the signs and symptoms. We have been together for the past 4 years and in that time I have experienced heaven and that other place in a rotating cycle. I am very interested in hearing any thoughts around how I can support her when she insists that its always me that causes issues. I am at a desperate stage where I feel for my own health I may need to walk away from my relationship with her as the affect is becoming too much.

sophie1122 my bf broke up withe me he says its depression
  • replies: 2

Hello. i need some help as im not very familiar with depression and i dont understand everything it effects in people.my bf and i have been dating only a short while we were on a path of something serious or i thought. He told me at the start he had ... View more

Hello. i need some help as im not very familiar with depression and i dont understand everything it effects in people.my bf and i have been dating only a short while we were on a path of something serious or i thought. He told me at the start he had depression and anxiety and he takes medication. I was a little worried at first but he assured me he was ok now and he had taken some time alone before meeting me and learned to love himseld and he was happy. So we started dating . He was (is) the nicest guy iv ever been with he treated me like a princesses . I noticed last week he wasnt himself one day and asked what was up he said he felt flat and dint have a purpose in life this was strange to me cause he is usually happy and upbeat . He told me he missed 2 days of his pills and was just in a down mood. Sure enough everything was back to normal. On friday we were together all day .he was telling me how happy i make him how amazing i was how its just so easy with me . Then he went out drinking that night and in the morning he seemed down again saying i shouldnt have gone out i would of had more fun with u . he slept all day. Meanwhile i was preparing my sisters hena night . And he msgs while we are out and says i slept all day hope ur having fun . I said are u ok u have hardly msgd he said sorry i didny realize then came out with this novel of a msg saying he waa worried about the distance and its gonna be hard in the future to see eachotger more spontaneously and when he just needa me. I thouggt we saw eachother enough and was happy to drive the distance and he said the same just the other day then i said well are u saying u do not want to see eachother anymore. He came strieght back with 8 msgs saying no he wants me only me he thinks about me all the time and doant want anyone eles. I was like ok thats good and was like the distance isnt a problem. Ok so in the space of a hour he went from of course i want to be with u to he dosnt and needs to be alone he isnt mentally ready for anything and was being really down and not himself it was like talking to a conpletly different person. I was very upset and tried saying im here and we can do this together but he turned his phone of then later said i am drunk and taking sleeping pills i cant answer this right now i need to aleep and think. I dont know what i want. I msgd in the morning and he said the aame he cant do it because of depression. im 28 he 26 he also said he missed another pill

Sly Feeling like I'm burning out.
  • replies: 2

Don't know where to begin, I feel like screaming. My partner and I have been together just on 3 years (we have re-coupled since a break up in our early 20's). He experienced an intense childhood, a highly religious family with frequent physical abuse... View more

Don't know where to begin, I feel like screaming. My partner and I have been together just on 3 years (we have re-coupled since a break up in our early 20's). He experienced an intense childhood, a highly religious family with frequent physical abuse, a white australian boy with a family that converted to Islam in a time where Islam wasn't common news. In the 3 years we have been together it has been nothing but problems....job instability, bankruptcy, loss of drivers license, loss of employment, a break down and now me living with him in his parents house while he frequently sees GP's, psychologists and psychiatrists who have diagnosed him with everything from Depression to PTSD, PTS, G.A.D and now the latest one Adjustment Disorder. One thing they all agree on is the meds he must take, that he can't be cleared for work (his license; within his job field, has been suspended due to mental Instability) oh, and they can't allow me to access any form of financial assistance (his income protection) because none of them can agree on a diagnosis. This has been going on since October 2014. during this time I regularly work 6-7 days a week (the last 11 weeks I worked straight) and I drive up to 4 hours a day (because I live with him in the country, despite working in the city) I've had 4 flus this year and have just recovered from bronchialpneumonia. I am exhausted, over life and over him. On top of all of this my Dad died, my mums depressed and I am also helping her financially because she won't sell the house....because my Dad built it. I've gained so much weight, I'm tired all the time! Im so angry and I feel so helpless. is it wrong for me to want to leave him? Sometimes I just think of running away from it all. I'm in my early 30's for God sake! We should be in love and planning a life.....