He wants to do it alone ... so how do I give him the support I know he needs?

[loopylouise]

My beautiful, amazing boyfriend has struggled with anxiety in the past, I've had my own anxiety issues too but we've been able to support one another and help each other through.
Recently, I moved a few hours away for a new job, he was unhappy in his job at home so decided to make the move to where I was.
Basically, the move hasn't really been great for him. His expectations of being close to his friends again, he's gone from a full time job back to university so the massive, massive change hasn't been easy.
And probably for the last couple of months I've noticed a change in him, he stopped taking his anxiety medication and slowly but surely, he's started to become withdrawn.
I'm in a job where Friday comes and the last thing I want to do is go out and drink, but this is all he wants to do and because I don't want to go it has started to really annoy him.
He's started becoming distant with me and not telling me things when we've always had amazing communication.
I actually started to think he wasn't interested in me anymore then last week he tells me he has hit rock bottom.
He went to the doctor this week and has been told he has depression, so is now taking new medication for this.
But he keeps avoiding me and pushing me away and I'm heartbroken.
On the weekend he told me he doesn't know what's going on in his head ... but all he is sure of is he wants to be with me.
After going to the doctor (two days later), he told me he's not sure if he wants to be with me anymore and said he's falling out of love with me.
I told him all I want to do is help him and his response was ... "I just want to do this alone."
I'm gutted and heartbroken, all I want to do is be his support.
So what do I do? I want him to know I still care, but how do I do that without pushing him away?
I've told him I'm giving him all the space and time he needs.
I've also contacted two of his close friends, and his brother, to let them know what's going on and to look out for him.
I'm just so lost and I think I've rambled on enough (sorry) ... what do I do?
I don't want to lose my best friend and the one I love the most.

[white knight]

Hi loopy welcome

This is a tough one because I think you now realise that taking him away from his comfort zone might have triggered off a downward spiral in him. You know that this is relationship threatening but its too late to undo that move.

I do have a lot of sympathy for you. I once worked in the city and lived 90 minutes from it, drove there every day. My first wife, stayed home all week and guess what she wanted to do on the weekends? yep- go to the city. The only cure for this was to get a job in the country which wasn't as easy as it sounds.

It sounds like your anxiety I high ATM. I'd suggest you take a different stance. Sit back and relax and just be supportive. Talk often about your good times, memories you both have and remind him of your love for him rather than expect love FROM him. This period is shattering for you however there are times in our lives when we need to step up and be totally unselfish and just thin of our partners only.....when you do that sometimes it downloads into a return of love and commitment.

My wife of 4 years and I had that time. We'd known each other for 23 years as best friends, both married into a family and we'd both divorced our spouses. After we got together (dating) she went through a time of doubt. Later I found that her confidence was really low and she didn't thin she was worthy of me as a partner. Once she told me this I reassured her, told her that her feelings we ok, that she needs to sort herself out and that I'd be only a phone call away, that there was no pressure and her feelings were normal. It took her 2 weeks only and she rang me to tell me we were fine to continue and that she knew I loved her because of my patience and care.

This might not end up like that, its a chance you take. But you need to increase your chances with that same attitude.

In the end if you "chase" him, fret or plead it will only serve him pressure. And he might want to run away.

Support, care, memories and throw in some adventures on weekends for a couple of hours. Oh and by the way...if the topic of him missing his home town and mates comes up you might want to consider asking him to join you in a long terms plan to return to that town. It might be all he needs to turn the tide.

Tony WK

[loopylouise]

Hi Tony,

Thank you for the advice ... I was probably a little confusing with my first post but where we are living now is actually closer to his friends. But they are busy now with their own lives and don't go out partying all the time, which he is used to from them. So he feels like nobody likes him anymore - which is totally false but I feel it's part of his depression?
I made ground with him today, we haven't spoken in about a week and I just contacted him to let him know I was thinking of him and for him to take all the time and space he needs and I'm there at anytime if he needs a chat, a hug, or a long walk.

Do I message him to suggest doing something with him? Or do I just leave the ball right in his court right now?

As you said, I don't want to push him away so I feel like just making contact right now is perhaps a good start.

Thanks again for your response, it really means a lot. It can be tough knowing exactly how to handle it.

[white knight]

Hi Loopylouise,

There are a few ways of dealing with someone that is depressed.

1/ you can take the reins and tell them "we are doing this today" type controlling vigor. This should not be discarded because some sad souls in deep depression need that.

2/ tell him this, "well guess what I'm doing today...I'm going on a picnic to that nice lake an hour away...its just too good a day to waste....do you want to come for the drive."? If he doesn't go the go yourself and when you chat next time tell him how great it was, he missed out "do you want to go next time"? If he says yes then take him to another destination.

3/ Sometimes a third party can be helpful. Another close friend to him or relative like a sister can ring him and say Louise and I are going on a picnic do you want to come"?

With all of these suggestions you need to accept that once on the days drive you should expect zero from him in terms of input. If he decides to remain in the car then so be it. Find some antique shops etc to browse and let him remain in the car. If you want a coffee outside a café then poke your head in the car "I'm having a coffee outside that café, want to join me"?  Just him sitting outside a café can add spark to the day for him. When you return home a bit of praise is helpful. It is important to discard negatives eg him- "I wasn't very good company" you- "but you were there with me...that's all I care about".  This signals that his best effort (eg going on the drive) is good enough. His incapacity to act normal and stroll through shops with you and put on a smile isn't there as an expectation. He is being allowed to be himself in this difficult time.

I wrote and article you can google- "topic: talking to men - some tips beyondblue". That might help. Some of us are really sensitive when unwell, we don't know how to approach the other.

Finally you hit on a topic I know too well about. That he is missing his life with friends. I'm 59yo and joined the RAAF in 1973 at 17 years and 4 days old. I spent over 3 years in there and returned to Melbourne. I missed my friends in the defense and chased them to different Air Force bases as they got posted around Victoria. It was, a waste of time for I was trying to hold onto mates that then had a different lifestyle and had moved on. Even my school friends in Melbourne had moved away or had a circle of friends I didn't know. Changes like having children, new hobby or new circle of friends will help.

Tony WK

[loopylouise]

Thanks so much Tony.

Will give your post a read and keep you posted with how it all goes.

I'm going to speak to a counsellor tomorrow to get some advice as well and have a chat about everything. Sometimes just talking helps.

[white knight]

Hi LL,

No problem, no obligation, no stress, all care.  Tony WK

[Turning_Point]

Hi  Loopylouise

A similar situation, my partner & I have been together 15 years. Early on we made a decision to live in our own houses till my girls reached independence.Unconventional by normal standards, we didn't want to add stress to the relationship i.e. him no children, living alone me living with two adolescence. We're a loving committed unit. We planned to one day live together and travel. He has recently been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and is seeking treatment. After the first treatment 3months ago, he told me he just wanted to be friends and needed his space, he had to do this alone. I reluctantly I gave him space, told him I loved him and would be there for him in whatever capacity he needed. I was devastated. After a few weeks we were back to talking on the phone and the occasional visit.  Then he asked to do things together, we were laughing and sharing time again. We gradually re visited the bond we had all be it less regular, less intense. After the second treatment, more in depth and on going, he again said he can't be with me and is drawing further away. His doctor has said it's best if he's not in a relationship right now. He needs to love himself first. I agree he needs to find himself. But does that mean our relationship stops, has the specialist who I've never met really said this? Would the the advice be the same if we were more conventional and chose to marry or live together?  He's 59, lives alone, works alone, no family in Oz except me & the girls. If he keeps withdrawing, who is keeping an eye on him, lifting his sprits, supporting him, giving a sense of balance to life. He's not one for friends that he hangs out with. We socialise with others but he rarely does on his own. He's in contact with work colleges mostly on line not face to face. I'm trying to keep a minimal level of contact to show my support while giving him space. How much is too much, how much is too little. Only he can walk the path but is it best to do it alone. I'm hurting and very aware that my judgement could be impaired because of this. My rational brain is trying to keep it together I am strong but this is really testing me. Some days I struggle to get through, the loss I feel is all consuming. I feel he is holding me at arms length, like an acquaintance not his partner. Do I keep reminding him I am here to support him or do I back off and wait to see what happens. Please help!

I am new and have never been part of a forum, hope this is alright.​