Husband with Depression

awolf · ‎04-11-2015

My husband and I have been dating since 15 and have been married for several years. Depression is something he has always struggled with. I was always a person he could come to with any issues...until about a year ago. I was pregnant with our only child and he started talking to a female at work. Things escalated and I told him he was hurting our marriage.I believed something was going on. He left and lived with his parents saying it was untrue and all my fault we had issues. He came back 2 months later and shortly after admitted that there was something going on and this got physical but he was sorry and I forgave him, knowing I would feel regretful if I broke off my marriage to a man I am so completely in love with while I was pregnant. Things were good up until a few months ago when he really laid into me about my mothering and wifeing, saying I didn't do enough- I was the one with a full time job and he was the one working part-time and leaving me with a infant every weekend to go be with his friends. I thought we got past that as I stepped up, but then last week he told me he was too tied down my our son and I and was unhappy and wanted his space and needed to go on a trip alone. Long story short, I love him and I supported it and helped him to make it happen this past weekend. The night before he left one of our mutual friends informed me that he had been talking to a girl and she offered to meet him on this trip that I was funding but he told her no...before he left the next morning, I confronted him and he completely lied saying she didn't exist and then that yes, she did but they've only talked once since we got married, and then no, they have talked a few times but that was it and she was joking about meeting him, and then after he left he told me actually yeah, they have been talking all day every day for a LONG time and he needed her because she understands him and his issues but she isn't meeting him up there...when she found out I found out, according to my husband, she did not want to keep communicating with him.

Now he is home. I am lost. He told me what he needs for us to have a happy marriage; which involves me doing everything-- babying, cooking, cleaning, working my 12 hour a night hospital job, and handling everything else. I have been doing this but we are on day 4 of him being home and I am already worn out after being a single parent for 3 days and being upset/worried and I am not sure how long I can keep this up for.

Hypatia · ‎05-11-2015

Wow awolf, it sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now. You mention that your husband has always struggled with depression, but you don't mention whether he is in treatment, or has talked to a GP or someone else about it. Sometimes as partners, it can feel like it is our job to fix or manage the depression, but we can't. You can't make the situation better by doing everything, and putting your own needs last all of the time. I hate giving advice based on short forum posts, but what you are describing doesn't sound sustainable or respectful of you, and it's right to want to have some boundaries around those things.

It sounds awfully to me like you need to focus for a little bit on how you are doing, and what you need to be stable too. My husband is depressed, and I talk to my GP about that. She has been very helpful with making sure that I have coping mechanisms in place. A lot of what you describe is scary and upsetting behaviour, and it might help to talk to someone about that, like your GP or a psychologist, who might help you develop some strategies for talking to your husband, and working out what you want and need.

geoff · ‎05-11-2015

dear Awolf, I was sure that I had replied to your comment a few days ago, but it hasn't appeared, so sorry.

Firstly I can't understand why your husband expects you to do everything, you have a job and looking after your son, whow that's a job and a half, and it is a full time job by itself, but you can't do it all, it's really impossible if he doesn't lift a finger.

Why does he expect to tell you to do all the work, because that's what he expects a wife should do, well no, that's not right, and secondly he has had an affair when he choices to, and when that breaks up he wants to return to you, but you have to do all the work, well that's not acceptable as far as I'm concerned, and it's certainly not going to a happy marriage.

If I had told my then wife and had an affair on the side, I know what she would have said, without a doubt she would have left me, and I really wouldn't have blamed her.

I think that you and him need to have a conversation, and tell him that he needs to pull his weight and help you. Geoff. x

deek21 · ‎05-11-2015

Hi Awolf,

My situation sounds like yours to a T. I also have been with my husband since I was 16 yrs old now 25 and we have a 2year old daughter.

Hes on meds for his anxiety and depression but hes expectations haven't been put out like yours but i do everything from working, caring for our daughter cooking cleaning etc..

My husband hasn't cheated but im not sure if your husband's depression is a way out of these mistakes.

Maybe you should ask if hes still happy with you anymore. Maybe its the problem?

I wouldn't be doing everything for him if hes going to disrespect you that way.

Remember, you have number one to think about and thats you and your son. Your not his carer but his wife/partner . I hope to hear from you soon. Good luck

Carmela · ‎05-11-2015

Hi Awolf, you have received some sound advice from the other 3 contributors, but l would like to add one more - I am a firm believer that a relationship needs to have boundaries. These boundaries define what is acceptable and not acceptable. It leads to ownership and responsibility of our decisions. What are your boundaries concerning infidelity, house work etc. For myself, infidelity is not acceptable regardless of whether my husband has depression or not. He understands this and knows the outcome if it occurs. Being unfaithful erodes a relationship of respect and trust that are important to me and l am sure most other marriages.

Can l suggest you define your boundaries and speak to your partner about them. It takes courage to have the conversation and even more to act on them if he steps over the line, but the outcome is that it gives you back your own internal power to stand up for YOU as who else is going to do this. I understand that you just want to help him with his depression, but there is a fine line between helping him and encouraging the disrespectful behaviour that may erode your own self esteem.

Cukoo99 · ‎05-11-2015

I really feel for you, as I can totally relate to your situation - yes I have known my husband since we were 15 and if I were honest the anxiety & depression have always been there, but I was too young to realise what the rollercoaster was all about. After a 18 year marriage and 2 teenage children I'm still on the wild ride. I too supported our family working full time, but no matter how much I did nothing was good enough.
Some days are great, and some are totally disasterous - he was on medication and was great, but decided himself that he no longer needs it. His issues range from lying about the most basic of things (i.e. did you talk to you mum today, answer 'No', when I find out later he did call her, which is neither here nor there to me), to lying about spending money, or going to the pub. Awareness is what keeps me going. I'd recommend you read all the information you can get you hands on, including other disorders such as passive aggressive behaviours and narrcism. At the end of the day, if they won't help themselves, it's almost impossible to help them, because no matter what you suggest, it will be turned around and something else will be your fault - i.e. "I'm in a bad mood cause you nag me", even though you may not have spoken to them all day. I know how he works, and I refuse to enter into arguments. If anything I feel sorry for him being so strange and unwell and having such a grumpy existence. I've tried to talk to him, but similar to your situation, everything is my fault. He dislikes his friends, his job, his boss, his brother, and the list goes on...... its' always someone else fault. I would strongly suggest you consider how you want your life for you and your child to be in 2 or 5 years from now; how do you see the future?? You are important and so is your child, and you deserve to be happy, so you need to know what boundaries you can tolerate on a long term basis. Stay happy, stay well, and take good care of yourself.

awolf · ‎06-11-2015

Thanks everyone for the sound advice. He has been in treatment but goes on and off meds. Infidelity is not acceptable at all and i never thought it would be a struggle for him to be faithful but its become an issue. Huge shock to me and the first time we were working on things and getting better and then he told me about it. Boundries need to be set for sure.

awolf · ‎06-11-2015

Also, Ive made him very aware that if he wants to leave he certainly can but he assures me that he loves my son and I and he just needs certain things to be happy. His list of requests is ridiculous but hopefully we can do counseling as a couple and get some answers for what our expectations for eachother should be.

geoff · ‎06-11-2015

dear Awolf, it's still seems to be 50/50, but will he listen to 'your demands', just as he demands you, it's got to be an even balance.

You need to be happy just as your son does, because it doesn't go just one way. Geoff. x