Help me help my son!

[Moonstruck]

This is a cry from my heart. I don't know what to say to my son when he rings. He is so depressed and sees only a bleak future...it tears my heart out, not knowing what to say to help him. Life has dealt him some severe blows.  I am consumed with guilt about his childhood when his father left us (there is another son also) and I was in a really bad way trying to stay alive myself, work, deal with my own grief etc. I didn't pay enough attention to him, give him more of my time "be there" properly for him (I was hardly surviving myself)...now he is a man and hasn't, in his eyes, gotten anywhere in life...with no qualifications, no formal training, no sense of direction for a secure older age....his marriage fell apart, his wife leaving him as her parents considered him a bit of a loser....he isn't!!  He's a wonderful, intelligent,sensitive man with integrity and high ideals......his life has been one of struggle and I feel responsible for that.....it tears me apart that i wasn't a better mother.  I love him so much but not trained in saying the right things.....he says I am the only one he can call and I just have to listen...I have tried to persuade him to ring Beyond Blue.....I've been dealing with my own anxiety/panic after several setbacks recently and knowing he is so depressed has made me much worse.....I don't know how to help him or what to say.....it is tearing my heart out...I love him so much.

[Naomi33]

Hello Moonstruck I am so sorry to hear about what your son is going through and you also, Heres some suggestions on what might help you and your son. You were saying how you are the only person he trusts to talk to and sometimes when people are in so much dispair all they really need is just a trusting ear to listen and by you just being there listening to him is amazing I think, and maybe if he is in a rough spot in the way of self confidence, motivate him tell him everything you wrote about how much you love him, and how much integrity you think he has, how proud you are to be his mother. Sounds like you are doing a great job as a mother please never doubt yourself. As a mother myself i understand life can throw some painful curveballs and it's sometime impossible to be the idealistic parent through it all especially when our kids are growing up but the fact that you care to seek advice on how you can help him is such a wonderful thing love and motivation are the main ingredients we can give our children in life I think and by you just showering your son with those things and letting him know that you are so proud of him for getting through what he has in life will motivate him to be at his best. As for his ex wife and her family, somebody always has something to say about everybody unfortunately it's an inevidible thing,but life constantly changes we are never stuck in a moment without it changing  and maybe you can tell him that when you speak to him next that life can be as amazing as he wants it to be you as well moonstruck we all have an in built ability to transform our lives from a negative situation into a positive direction. Life can be immensely tough sometimes heartbreak, grief loss whether it's a partner, family, friends or a loss of employment but it's our job as individuals to ride the wave then change it for a more positive future. Sometimes we may feel stuck in anxiety and depression but as said before we can change those moments. And sometimes it's hard for people to want to admit to a stranger they are in a tough spot in life and you just being there for him probably means the absolute world to him and the fact that he feels he can trust you enough to share his problems with shows a lot of respect from him and is a pretty good sign that you have been a fab mother to him. I think you are doing such a good job moonstruck. I really hope you and your son the best in life and I hope I was of some help.

[Moonstruck]

Thank you so much for replying to me Naomi33 - your words meant so much to me. I will endeavour to assure him how much I admire the man he has become..the adversity he has overcome, the loyalty, honesty and integrity he possesses, his resilience in rising above some really bad circumstances - and that's about all I can do.  If I had a million dollars to get him on his way I would not hesitate to give it to him - not for a minute!  He has a notion of moving somewhere he feels he may get steady work and its a lifestyle he loves.......scary as it seems a bit of a risk - and a long way away.... I feel I have to let him know whatever (or wherever) he decides he needs to do and be to be happy and at peace...I am right behind him.  I guess I seem to have "mother guilt" real bad hey?  I hope it is "normal" to feel the urge to "protect" and "fix things" even when our kids become adults.  Even though I don't interfere in his life (he lives in a different city) or do anything stifling or suffocating towards him - this maternal instinct to make everything OK is still terribly strong....primitive I guess you'd call it!  Just wanted to let you know how much your reply meant to me........have a good rest of the weekend.......

[Naomi33]

That's such beautiful words to say to him Moonstruck about telling your son all the wonderful things he possess's in himself that will uplift him. When we hear positive and positive things about ourselves we feel enriched within, motivated to be stronger go beyond what we thought we could. That's so sweet about you wishing you had a million to give your son to help him but honestly when people feel this low in themselves what gives them power I think are words of uplifting truth from trusting people who know them, and our own ability to wanting to go out and say "I did it all by myself"  instead of handing him the quick fix on the outside which is money. Don't get me wrong I know exactly what you mean moonstruck anything to make our kids lives easier right it's 100% maternal but depression is within so help him build his confidence in himself then he will be strong enough to build his life on the outside and say to you "thanks for helping me be the best man I can be". If he wants to move to secure his future be there for him even if he lives on the other side of the planet let him know that you are afraid but you trust that he knows what is right in his life and you are right beside him every step of his journey even if you feel it's a risk let him know you are there no matter what the outcome be. That will motivate him to strive through life. 

Sounds like you are right on the ball Moonstruck and your son is extremely blessed to have you as his mother. 

[Grunt]

Hi Moonstruck,

your post resonates so deeply with me because as I read it I was experiencing the anguish that I witness in my own mother's face when I see her trying to support me with my battle. I know that my own mother feels somewhat responsible in part due to very similar circumstances to those you listed above. The truth of the matter though, in my case at least, is that she is not. The respect I have for my mother is second to none. I too had a father walk out on us and my mother stepped up to the plate and raised my sister and I the best way she knew how to, just as I imagine you did! Just as we all do the things we do - the best way WE know how to!

Just like your son I too am now a man (29), who has gone through a separation and also have my own little boy whose life I play an active role in. I pray that I never have to see my son go through the emotional anguish that my mother and even yourself have to see your sons go through.

However, if I could offer some advice and definitely not from a professional standpoint but only from a personal one. You cannot fix this for him. Not overnight, not with the click of your fingers. I have had some great achievements in my life and am reminded of some of the personality traits you wish to remind your son that he has. When people remind me of those things though, when people tell me how much I mean to them, to be honest - it makes me feel like more of a failure in that moment cause I know, in my mind at least, that I am not currently living up to those expectations of "who I am".

As I am only now recently starting to realise, I need to take this one day at a time. I believe my mother has also come to this realisation because gone are the: "how do we fix this?", "How long is this going to take?", "Can we try a different medication?" etc. What is really working for ME at the moment and helping my mother feel extremely proactive and productive are questions like: "what can I do, what do you need me to do, how can I help TODAY?"

I live alone and was extremely run down and emotional the other day, mum asked what she could do to help and I asked if she wouldn't mind running me over some dinner. She did. I could spend the afternoon napping, not having to worry about cooking myself a meal and my mum felt she was helping and she was!

I guess what I'm suggesting is don't remind him of what he is, what he could be but just ask him what you can do today to help him.

Hope this helps a little 🙂

[Moonstruck]

Yes that has helped Grunt....helped me see the situation from another viewpoint that I had not really considered.....your mother sounds great.......thank you so much for taking the time to reply....it is appreciated.....

[Grunt]

Not at all, my pleasure!

Putting these words out into an open forum are helping me just as much as I hope they have helped you in some small way. Please keep us updated 🙂