Not strong enough to keep Caring

[Catey_moose]

Hello, my Husband suffers with depression more on than off over the last five years.  I have a chronic illness myself and manage it pretty well but I feel if I let my guard down for a second I'll be in the black hole with him.  Which would be the only thing we have done together for five years. I'm not sure I'm strong enough to be patient and loving and understanding with him and I feel so guilty for thinking that there might be another way to live.  Sometimes I just can't be near him for my own survival but I know that it isn't supporting him by doing that.  I just can't be everything, do everything and hold myself together to do the right thing for him. I just don't know how to help him or me! Any advice from others in the same boat?

[AliceAlice]

Wow, this sounds similar to my relationship. We don't do anything together either and he struggles with so much depression.
My problem is that if he didn't have me, I don't know if he could cope. This is something for you to decide.

Maybe find him some inspiring articles on changing negative thought patterns. If depression is an illness, there should be ways to treat it. And like many sicknesses, if you don't want to get better, you won't. If you really want to get better (in some cases, not all!) you can get better.
But in your case, it sounds like you're at a tipping point/cross-roads of sorts within yourself. Where if you keep going, you'll lose what you love of yourself. Of who you want to be as a person. So basically, the way I look at it, you have one unhappy person (him) and you who could be happy without him. But if you stay, you'll just have two unhappy people.

[Carmela]

Hi Catey Mouse, I am sorry to hear that you are going through a tough time.  Being in a relationship with someone suffering from depression is challenging. There has been many times l wish l could just flick a switch and magically change our situation, but l realised after 18 years that it isn’t my responsibility to fix nor manage his depression.  

It takes patience and compassion to wear your shoes Catey Mouse and l understand that this isn’t easy with your own ongoing health issue.There are two things that were shared with me by a friend who also has a
partner with depression. I found the tips helpful so l will share them with you now.

1.     Assume there is hope – there were times l felt l just couldn’t go on or there was no way out except for leaving the marriage. I understand now that it’s human to feel this way when l was feeling overwhelmed. However, l came to a point over the years and thought – do l really feel there is nothing l can do? No way for me to improve my situation? Absolutely not. I have choices and these choices come in the form of looking after me. I took up activities that allowed me to have an outlet for my pain, frustration etc (writing, painting and walking). All of these activities helped me to move away from my situation for a short while to collect my thoughts and allow me to grow and heal. With clarity l was better able to make decisions concerning my marriage and home.

2.     You don’t have to do this alone – I turned to friends and family for help. I would spend time talking and listening to people who were not consumed with depression. I also turned to services like Mind Australia and Carer Victoria who provide support groups for assistance. I joined a mental health local support group who meet once a month to share my pain and frustration in a non-judgemental environment. I also met with a counsellor who helped me change my negative thoughts.

I did not leave my marriage as l armed myself with resources to get through the hard times. I still use these resources even when his depression is manageable, as l need to care for me and not fall into the position of just focusing on him. There needs to be a balance and it takes time to do this but it is achievable if you want it.