Needing help to cope with my depressed/ anxious partner!

Taylor2 · ‎19-01-2016

Hi all, I am new to the BeyondBlue online community and am in some need of advice and support to know how to cope with my depressed and anxious partner. I am a new mother, have recently gone back to work on casual hours and do not have contact with family and have very limited friends who understand exactly what I am going through. As of late my partners depression and anxiety has taken a really bad turn and it is beginning to affect our relationship in a not so good way. I am trying to be as supportive and understanding as I possibly can but I feel myself becoming frustrated, distant and just down right exhausted. We have begun arguing nearly every day now and I am not sure how much longer I can put up with living in this kind of environment. I understand it is the illness that is making him behave in ways he would normally never dream of behaving, but the name calling, the snide comments are definitely taking a major hit on my emotional wellbeing. I feel as if I am raising our son on my own, I get very little help because he always seem to be run down, tired or be in some sort of pain. I understand his work is very demanding and I try to be as lenient as I possibly can, but when he sits there and says that I am home all day and have plenty of time to rest because all I do is 'watch our son' I automatically see red! I am not sure he understands exactly what it is like to be at home all day with a teething, sick baby who has not slept at all during the entire day, as well as trying to maintain the household. He has no regard for my feelings at all, even when I try to express them to him, it always turns back around into how he is feeling and how it is unfair for him, or that I just don't understand what its like. He makes it seem as if what he is feeling is so much more important than how I am feeling. I am always wrong, no matter what the situation is. He is not on any medication as he has reactions to them all (and we have tried many), plus we are not really strong believers in medications. We are trying natural alternatives instead, however, we are spending a fortune on all these suggested supplements and he barely even takes them! They are left to sit there and go out of date! He sees a psychologist and a psychiatrist and I am still seeing no improvement at all, if anything I feel as if he has only gotten worse. I am really at my wits end and do not know what else to do to try and help him. I just want him to be happy so we can be happy again.

romantic_thi3f · ‎20-01-2016

Hi Taylor2,

First of all, welcome to the BeyondBlue community and thanks for reaching out to us to tell your story. I can see that you are being very courageous in coming to us, and I know that it's hard watching a loved one deal with mental illness such as Depression.

I'm also very sorry that it's been affecting you in the way that it has. It's certainly not fair to be on the receiving end of name calling and snide comments.

I'm pleased that your partner is seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Do you ever accompany him to his appointments? Does he ever talk about them with you? Sometimes being apart of his therapy can help as it helps the psychologist understand how his depression is affecting him at home, and it helps you understand the different techniques or tools that is being discussed.

Otherwise, it might be worth talking to him more casually; saying something like "I'm worried about you and this is affecting us. What can I do to help?" or "What is it that you need from me?" It can feel odd asking these questions, but it's a tricky balance finding out what our loved ones want whether it's space, support, company or somebody to talk to.

Another thing that might help is looking at getting some extra help for yourself; from what you've said it doesn't sound like you have a strong support group so maybe it might be about finding that support group just for you to build you up; whether that's a new mothers group, joining social communities, starting conversations with people from work, connecting with online friends, or even seeing a psychologist yourself. I do only suggest this because sometimes it can be incredibly useful to get things off your chest in a totally safe environment; plus a psychologist will have more techniques than any of us can offer you.

Finally - please remember it's okay to draw the line and call yourself out when you need to. You do not deserve to be called names or treated with disrespect (depression or not). The depression may well explain why he can't understand or relate to you and your baby, but you're still allowed to say things like "Please don't talk to me like that" or "I know you're upset, but were both doing the best that we can."

All in all, even though you're worried about your partner, you come first Taylor, so if you need space, time or help, never be afraid to reach out.

I hope this helps! 🙂

Rexi · ‎21-01-2016

Hi Taylor,

I read your story and while reading i was thinking this is my life too. But my husband would leave all the time and not come home for the night. So one day i said don't come back until you want help. He was seeing a psychologist and we were going to couples councelling but nothing was changing. I have a 6 month old boy and is so hard trying to look after an unwell husband and a baby. My husband is very good at telling me i just sit on my ass all day and do nothing. It hurts, their words hurt so much especially when all you are doing is supporting, loving and caring for them. I have no advice as im still clueless and trying to get my husband help as i just wish every day that we could just go back to the way we were and be happy again. Especially because he is missing so much of our little boy growing up. I have found that me going to a psychologist is helping to talk things over. To get things off my chest and to try to figure out what to do to help.

But make sure you look after yourself. It's hard but you have to. I'm trying my best to take that advice but easier said than done with a baby. X

Taylor2 · ‎25-01-2016

Hi Rexi,

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing as me, it can definitely be difficult. You try to be strong all the time because you have to keep the family functioning but there are days that I just think 'what if' you know? It has gotten even worse over the weekend, we are sleeping in separate rooms and are barely talking.

I am thinking that its getting to the point where I have to take my son and go somewhere to have a break for a while. The fighting and the arguing is not good for my son to witness everyday. Hopefully the time away from each other will help the both of us and if it doesn't I may need to think about the future and whether or not we can move forward together.

I am definitely going to have to start seeing someone myself, just so I can figure out ways in which to cope with the constant pressure and stress of the situation. It is so difficult to try and take the time to look after yourself with a baby, I definitely agree.

I just hope, like you, that we can get to that happy place as well. Only time will tell I guess, it just sucks that it has already been so long and we seem to be getting nowhere at all!

Thanks so much for your reply. While its bad you are going through the same problems its good to know that I am not alone. xx

Taylor2 · ‎25-01-2016

Hi romantic_thi3f,

Thank you for your reply!

I do accompany him to most of his appointments, however, I don't want to push the boundaries and I choose to either wait in stores close to where he is or just in the car. He very rarely talks about them to me, if he does its very minimal. I have been told by his psychologist that he would like me to attend his next appointment because he believes my partner is not giving him the whole picture and would like my further insight. I could tell my partner felt uncomfortable with this, he gave a nervous laugh and was very quiet and seemed upset on the car ride home. He has yet to rebook an appointment and that was nearly over a month ago!

I want to help him to recovery as much as possible but it is definitely becoming a huge weight on my shoulders that I am not sure I can carry anymore. I have tried all types of ways to try and talk to him about everything that is going on. The minute I say something he does not like, the name calling starts again and he says things that only he knows will hurt me. He then sits there afterwards and acts as if he is the victim and I have caused him some terrible heartache.

I ask him all the time what it is that I can do to help, does he need space, does he need a holiday, is there anything I can possibly do. I assure him that I will do everything in my power to make whatever it is he needs happen, no matter the cost. He says thank you and then completely ignores anything else I have said and never answers my questions.

I have tried getting friends to contact him, take him out and get him out of the house, but he just does not seem interested in the slightest. He spends more and more time on his phone or on some sort of device than he does with his family.

I am going to start seeing a psychologist myself soon. I am also looking into anything we can do together to try and cope and get an understanding of where we both are, mentally and emotionally.

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom, its refreshing knowing that there are people willing to listen and help. It means so much to me!

Taylor2 · ‎01-02-2016

So I am having a really rough time lately. We were at the hospital yesterday because it had gotten worse and he needed more help than he is already getting. It was a very emotional day for everyone involved. I messaged his dad who lives interstate to let him know what was going on just to have him attack me and claim everything is my fault. He told me that I need to stop sleeping around (which I don't and never have), that I need to consent to a dna test to prove that our son is my partners and that my partner is lost in life with me by his side and would only get better if I left him alone and stop treating him like crap! For him to say these things it's upsetting and frustrating. He doesn't understand that it's his son that doesn't exactly treat me the best due to his illness. I have had no one stick up for me or defend me whatsoever! I am the only person who has been supporting my partner and been by his side this whole time. His own parents don't even talk to him about or bother to check and see how he is going.
My partner does not know what was said yet because he doesn't want to get into it with the state he is in, yet what about my emotional wellbeing I am at a loss as what to do. I am dealing with all this while trying to raise my son. I have no family and minimal friends and it's becoming extremely hard to even function of a day.

blondguy · ‎01-02-2016

Hi Taylor

I am so sorry to hear that you and your wonderful son are being treated this way....It would be awful considering this is 'mean to be' such a special time in your life. I wont re-cover the support from Rexi/Romantic as they are spot on with their input.

I have the similar disorder that your husband has, but he has crossed the line with his behavior badly with you and your son. You are a strong and kind person Taylor and you have tried so very hard to assist your husband he has really left you with no alternative but to consider a temporary change in your environment...You and your son require a nuturing/caring environment, no a toxic one

I am also not a fan of medication and when I can I will use natural remedies.....except for this disorder. His anger and belligerent attitude is part of the illness which requires medication that does have some side effects of course. His illness in no shape or form justifies his treatment of you and your son.

A few years ago my female GP really got stuck into me because I flatly (and stupidly) ruled out meds..She replied with;

* "so Paul..do I tell all my patients with high blood pressure....diabetes etc not to take their meds? She also asked me why I was so 'special' that I didnt need to take any meds! I was firmly kicked....but it worked

* My GP kept at me and made it very clear that this is a physical illness (chemical imbalance) and my symptoms would exacerbate and my quality of life would decrease and I WOULD lose my girlfriend and possibly my job

* I started the anti-depressants using the smallest dose....they worked with follow up visits to her for check ups and a psychologist for behavioral adjustment

Your emotional well being (and your son) is paramount here...all other considerations are secondary Taylor

Your sons' formative years are between birth and 3 years of age. They are like a sponge and absorb everything which shapes who they are as a person in later life.

Keeping on a positive point however, the antidepressants have worked so very well...I have peace in my life now and shake my head that I nearly didnt use them as a vital healing tool. Yes there was a little drowsiness at the start which I didnt like but with perseverance I havent looked back...There was some residual anxiety that comes and goes which I can manage on my own however the bulk of this physically based illness has gone and there definitely is a genuine state of calm after treatment/counseling and behavioral adjustment 🙂

All the 'technical' matters aside on meds.....My heart aches for what you and your son are having to go through Taylor.

I do hope even a 'tiny' part of this may be of assistance to you

You have a great attitude and a high level of innate strength

Kind Thoughts

Paul

Rexi · ‎03-02-2016

Hi taylor,

I really hope you are ok. Your story is sounding more and more like mine. My husbands family tell me im the problem, im the one who needs help. After our baby they told me ihad postnatal depression, that I was bipolar etc. They never care about how their son is and its constant mind games from his mother. She is nice to me around everyone then horrible when no one is there.

You really need to see someone to talk this out. I am still going and its so great to get things off my chest and just for the reassurance that im doing the right things.

My husband moved out a while ago but that was his choice then when he wanted to return i told him not until he got help and stopped fighting. I now have to supervise visits to see our son and he still fights with me. He is a completely different person now. So I've cut him off completely until he wants to respect me. Depression or no depression i dont deserve the language.

I have also cut his family off as they were not a positive in my life. I now realise that his mother is a narcissist and i think my hubby has narcissistic victim syndrome. In both cases there is nothing i can do to help until my husband realizes what is really going on.

I'm so terribly sorry you are going through a very similar situation. You sound like a lovely person who cares so much for your family. I hope you get through this and remember to look after yourself first. Its hard but you have to x

blondguy · ‎05-02-2016

Hi Taylor and Rexi

Taylor...I was just checking in to say hi...I hope everything is going relatively okay for....we are here if you need us...seriously....just ask...

Rexi....I just want to say that you are spot on with the way your husband treats you....No matter what the disorder/illness is .....a guy has no right to ....

* abuse you emotionally...physically...

* there is no excuse for belligerent behavior from you husband

Well said Rexi....I just wanted to say thanks to you and to see how Taylor was.

Kind Thoughts

Paul

FeelingAlone · ‎05-02-2016

Hi Taylor and Rexi

your stories sound so similar to the life I am currently living. With a few differences..

I love my partner dearly, however am at such a loss as to where things might be headed for us. When we met we fell head over heels very quickly for each other and a year and a half on we now have a three month old beautiful baby boy. My partner has an incredibly painful ongoing injury from a few years ago and whilst I have been nothing but supportive since the moment we met, dealing with the severity of the pain every day for years has caused him to hit rock bottom with severe depression and has even threatened suicide on several occasions because he can't deal with it anymore.

Along with this, whenever he is hitting a major low he becomes verbally abusive, insisting that I am the cause of his depression. He believes I try to control him and that everything would be fine if I just left him alone.

I am too scared to leave him alone with our son, which makes things even worse because he tells me that I don't give him a chance to be a Good father. When in all honesty he seems to only last two minutes with him before it all becomes too overwhelming for him and he just walks out and leaves him crying. Yet if our son cries when I am holding him he yells at me for being frustrated (I am actually incredibly calm in these situations).

I am also blamed for the fact that we live quite a distance from his family, however due to him not being able to work, we needed to stay where I have a stable job. His family also like to blame me for his depression.

The other thing is that when he is depressed he tries to hide it by lying to me about almost everything possible, big or small. When I catch him out for lying I just get told to deal with it because he doesn't care and that the only person he cares about is himself. It breaks my heart that he can't even see to put his son first. He is also refusing flatly to receive any form of help. I feel like I am raising our son on my own.

I don't know how much more blame, abuse and lies I can take. I know underneath it all he is he same caring amazing person I fell in love with and on rare occasions I get to see that side of him. I wish he could see how badly he hurts me 😞