Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Depressed husband

replies: 3

Hi, new here and looking for some advice. My husband started to show signs of depression a few years ago after an accident which was followed by a period of ill health with several different health problems which have only recently been resolved. In this time a new person at his work place wreaked havoc in his work life. She was extremely narcissistic and managed to turn his boss (and former best friend) against him. The job became so toxic that he resigned and has moved on to a similar position with another company. He has been unable to move on emotionally and has a lot of resentment and anger over how he was treated. He is now having problems in his new job with one person who continually picks on minor details. He has had to tell his new boss that he is suffering from depression, and has also told the person he is having problems with. This made a difference for about 2 days and then the nit-picking has started again. He tends to take everything very personally, and while his boss is very supportive he doesn't want to rock the boat with the other employee either. I have finally convinced him that he needs to talk to someone and perhaps look at a change in medication, but as we live in a small town I am worried that it will take ages for him to get into a counsellor. He has started to talk about leaving his job and I am scared that he thinks that this will solve his problems and they will just resurface again later on. He has talked about suicide and I am really frightened.

Too much thought not enough typing.

replies: 2

Good morning BB, I've known of this site for a while and even made a few donations however I've avoided using it myself because I thought I'd be strong enough to work my own issues out. Sucks being wrong . Here goes. It's now 2am, approximately 4 hours before I'm expected at work. I've had no sleep and I'm sitting up trying to devise a plan in order to help my partner with her Condition. I've tried so many options so far with little result. I've always been an anxious person myself, analyzing every detail and coming up with multiple scenarios, trying to decide. To me it seems even a simple task like buying a new pair of socks is impossible at times and I end up shying away because the color isn't quite right or for some other stupid reason like the stitching is offset. They're socks ! Why does this matter ? When my partner talks to me about her condition my mind starts cycling, asking questions like what can I do ? what isn't she telling me ? is she deliberately trying to push me away ? Is there another man ? I've read online articles on her condition, they all say that my thoughts and emotions are how people usually feel when dealing with people who have partners suffering from the condition but I am still left with no better idea of how to help, I know the answer is right in front of me but it feels like you have to push a 20 tonne stone off to accept it. Most articles will tell me that in order to help your partner/friend/loved one, you must first look after yourself, exercise, eat healthy, sleep. I know they're right, but it seems every time I find myself in a good place my partner will fall into the abyss. We used to joke about how it seemed like an emotional see saw, one of us will be down and the other will pull the other out of it before falling into the pit for themselves. Someone must have had a pretty messed up sense of humor to build that playground into our DNA. well it appears I have almost torn through my 2500 characters and haven't even scratched the surface or bought a packet of chips for the snack table. I guess all I'm really here for is to find anyone I can relate to and hopefully gain some understanding of how I can deal with my partners condition. If I can figure out a way to understand her behavior at least maybe I can work on my own wellbeing and then aim more focus towards supporting her Thank you for taking the time to read my rant Now to go back and rewrite so I can ensure it makes sense, then off to buy new socks

Struggling Supportive Family Member

replies: 5

Yes the title sums it up for me, I feel hopeless/helpless to support my niece anymore. My niece has been battling depression for years now, in and out of mental health units of hospital, failed marriage and she is the mother of 2 young school age kids that she cares for fulltime (well until 2 weeks ago). As a family, we have banded together to give support in every way that we know how, but it only works when my niece is willing, which is not often enough, you see, she decided to go cold turkey off her meds because she was gaining weight without doctor consultation or discussion with family. Her decision to do so has landed her back in hospital again, and we (the family) were not notified until 2 weeks after the fact. Yes I know this sounds strange, but with regular contact from family and friends, she kept saying that "all was going well". I'm guessing that she advised the medical staff not to contact us?, whatever her reasons, as a supportive family, we are now all experiencing our own anxieties, frustrations and sadness, especially when there are 2 young children concerned. My sister (nieces mother) is not sleeping due to excess worry over the current situation. We all feel like taking an almighty step back from her.......we know in our hearts that this is not the answer. :-{

Depression, Anxiety & OCD - My Boyfriend needs time to be alone

replies: 1

My Boyfriend of 6 months started to experience a form of OCD which started soon after we started dating. This caused his anxiety to worsen and as a result he now also has depression. He has had 6 or so appointments with a psychologist in this time which is a good thing and has recently been prescribed antidepressants (but wont take them). Earlier this week (Tues) he sent me a messaged and said we needed to talk, I knew immediately what was about to happen. He told me he is a mess, and his head is a mess and that he needs to be on his own to sort himself out, which means we cant be together. He said, if we have any chance of being together in the future he needs to do this now, for him and me. he said he would call in a couple of weeks. Later that night (midnight) he called to apologise for hurting me and said he thought he was doing the right thing for me but he has never felt more alone and that he had lost his entire support network. We met yesterday (Friday) and I laid everything out on the table and told him that i would be there for him to support him in whatever way he needed. We decided, we should just pause for a couple of weeks, and not break up until he has time to think and try and clear his head. He said he loves me and doesnt want to lose me from his life. Moving forward, He is apparently off O/S to attend a mental health retreat (I don't know the full details). His parents have apparently looked into it and organised it. I am concerned they think he will go there and come back cured. He is also Moving to Rural NSW (10 hours from any major city), for his job towards the end of April. He will have limited to no access to health services, No support network, no friends and be isolated. I fear this will cause him to spiral out of control. I am respecting his decision that he needs time to be alone, as difficult as it is. Although confused at the idea that he still is engaging with his friends and family but I, the one person who has shown any understanding and support the whole time has restricted contact. I guess i'm struggling with the fact that I love him with all my heart, and I really don't know what to do. I know I can only say and show him that I will be there for him but at the same time know I cant put my life on hold waiting and hoping that we can work a way through this together and come out the other side. Help!

Where do we go from here

replies: 1

Long story short my friend has been anorexic, bulimic, depressed and has anxiety...we thought she was getting better but she's been pushing us all away. I know the signs and i can see she's going down a really dangerous path, this has all happened before about 2 years ago. I'be been there for the past 5 years, but i can't drag her out of this one. I've always said that if she doesnt deal with this its going to kill her. I feel bad for admitting that i'm waiting around for the phone to ring and finding out that she's gone. We can't help her, she doesnt want her... she refuses. So much has happened, it's too much to explain. Some of the things that would only happen in movies or you hear about; she lost a baby...how am i supposed to help her with that. She thinks she killed it...but she was 15 and a natural process. She couldnt have prevented that. I can just see all the bad things turning toxic; wanting a boyfriend to validate her existence. Ive run out of things to say to her, she doesnt even want to be around me. She resents me for being "thin" and according to her "perfect". I really dont know what to do anymore, and all this has come about by the smallest thing that seems like it would be so easy to fix. But i know her, this is a never ending cycle... the only way i can see it ending is badly.

Lost for direction

replies: 10

Good Morning. My husband of 23 years is suffering from PTSD and dysthia following several significant negative events in his life over recent years. He has always been a quiet gentle man and was initially diagnosed 4 years ago after significant health problems and an event that had a significant impact on our marriage due to us both handling our emotions surrounding this in different ways - he didn't acknowledge this diagnosis but fought his way out of a very dark depression without medication or psych involvement...we separated For 4 months but when we reconciled our relationship was stronger than ever. Loving, kind, supportive.....everything I wanted. He had said for some time that he was happy with "us "but just not within himself - he had valid reasons and declined the necessity for medical support. I have always accepted him for who he is- he has become someone who appears content and enjoys the simple life. I'm pretty outgoing and have always enjoyed a sense of adventure .....sometimes he shares this, others he doesn't but has never restricted me. One day 6 months ago he announced that he no longer wants to be married. He wants to find himself. It was a complete and utter shock. I then discovered flirtatious messages to an old flame overseas from his teenage years.....he said nothing was ever going to happen... he was just looking for some excitement. He moved out.....he kept insisting that I deserved better than him and would be happier without him. He was pushing me away. He still doesn't live at home, he is now on medication and seeing a psychiatrist (early days) . He has been off work for 5 months and just signed off for 6 more. I see glimmers of the kind loving gentle man but generally I feel used and abused. He comes to the house to use the computer, asks me to help him with difficult conversations with work etc but other than that I get negativity. Everything is negative. He says he is hoping for a reconciliation in the future but makes zero effort. I say the slightest thing wrong and he attacks. He never asks about me. I have always been a positive tenacious person. I love deeply and passionately but this is wearing me down. I still love him and want to support him - I can't walk away .....or won't. I just need a glimmer of hope to keep me going. Has anyone got ANY advice please? He had sudden cardiac arrest which I resuscitated him from, a car accident and was assaulted in an unprovoked attack 12 months ago.

Depressed mum and early dementia dad

replies: 6

I'd like some advice as I have no one to talk to. My parents have been married for fifty years and have never really got along but stayed together in a loveless marriage. My father is emotionally abusive and mum puts up with it. Now in their eighties he has increased his abuse and lives like a pig. Mum used to clean up after him but has stopped in the last six months so the house is filthy to the point he tried to fix the toilet and couldn't so they have been without one for a couple of weeks as he won't let anyone in to fix things. He ended up in hospital this week after a heart issue and became confused and even escaped. he has improved but is still giving her a hard time. All she says to me is "I give up". She doesn't want him home but feels guilty if he goes into care because she is taking his life away. Short term memory is the issue and he has been known to leave the stove on and forget. I see him when I'm at mums but he hasn't spoken to me for 10 years or his grand kids either. He is a bitter man with alot of hate. My question is, do I keep him out of the home for mums sake and let her have some quality of life in her last years or do I take pity on him and let him home and it all goes back to the way it was because its so ingrained in him. He shakes his fist at her and swears at her. Either way one of them will be miserable. Mum is not the bubbly person she used to be. She is tired all the time, not cleaning or cooking or looking after herself and I know she feels guilt and is scared. She is depressed and my depression is getting worse because of all this. There is no one but me to sort this out. Please help.

I don't know how to help.

replies: 3

Tonight my partner admitted to me that he has major depression. He has been medicated before, but won't go on medication again as it made him feel "numb". He has also seen psychologists but said it doesn't help. He says no matter what he is doing, at any point in the day, there is always something there bothering him. Keeping busy helps keep it at bay, but it has gotten to the point where he is burning himself out keeping so busy. He is up til 2 or 3am every night catching up on work or writing songs. Then he works 9am til 5pm, comes home, sleeps for 2 hours or so and stays up late again. He has days where he won't even talk to me. At all. He calls these his "moods". He will look at me when I speak to him, and either grunt or look away and play with his phone (which I think is another of his "keeping busy" tactics, though it is becoming a problem as he is on it for around 4 hours a day, and will ignore me in favor of it) He recently admitted to me that when he was young he did a small stint in jail (6 months I believe), and while there, he was beaten and raped more than once. He also has tourettes, which, from what I have read, can also be physically draining (he can't sit still for longer than about 30 seconds. His tics are moving his arms, fingers, eyes, mouth, stomach muscles, waving one arm, and the occasional sound, but mostly muscular) He is also unmedicated for this, and it is getting progressively worse. 2 years ago he also had brain cancer, but thankfully cancer free now) I am struggling with how to help him. He has been through so much and almost refuses to talk about it. He will just curl up in bed and stare at the walls. I offer help, but he says he has tried everything and this is just "who he is". I offered to listen but he won't talk about it much. He is like this for most of the week, and it is taking it's toll on me and our relationship. He "hid" it from me for quite a while, but as his life became more stressful, he was unable to hide it anymore. Please help! What can I do?

My depressed husband is in love with someone else

replies: 7

My husband and I began to have troubles when he began withdrawing from me. We have had numerous discussions where he has told me he feels numb and can't work out how to feel about me or his life anymore. Recently he has began seeing a counsellor and begun taking medication. Since then he has admitted to having feelings for an ex of his he has only just begun talking to again after 15 years of no communication. I feel that he wouldn't be doing it if he wasn't having all these other feelings and I am not sure how to deal with it. I want to support him -because I know that the person he is right now is not the man I've lived with for almost 12 years - but it's hard to know that he chooses her every day over me. He's told me he won't stop. I feel like I should separate from him because essentially he is cheating on me - but I also feel that I need to support him because this isn't a normal situation. We have two young children and are isolated from friends and family and have work commitments. Even if we were to separate - neither of us can physically leave the house and I'm worried that he'll give up all together. I still love him and want to get through this, but I don't know if I'm being clouded by delusion that it's just his illness.

looking for support

replies: 3

hi, I am struggling to cope with my 17 year old daughters severe depression, recent suicide attempt, refusal to attend school and general breakdown in our relationship...feeling like a useless parent, but looking forward to hearing and sharing storie... View more

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Depressed husband replies: 3

Too much thought not enough typing. replies: 2

Struggling Supportive Family Member replies: 5

Depression, Anxiety & OCD - My Boyfriend needs time to be alone replies: 1

Where do we go from here replies: 1

Lost for direction replies: 10

Depressed mum and early dementia dad replies: 6

I don't know how to help. replies: 3

My depressed husband is in love with someone else replies: 7

looking for support replies: 3