My depressed husband is in love with someone else

[Ceedee26]

My husband and I began to have troubles when he began withdrawing from me. We have had numerous discussions where he has told me he feels numb and can't work out how to feel about me or his life anymore. 

Recently he has began seeing a counsellor and begun taking medication. Since then he has admitted to having feelings for an ex of his he has only just begun talking to again after 15 years of no communication. I feel that he wouldn't be doing it if he wasn't having all these other feelings and I am not sure how to deal with it. I want to support him -because I know that the person he is right now is not the man I've lived with for almost 12 years - but it's hard to know that he chooses her every day over me. He's told me he won't stop. 

I feel like I should separate from him because essentially he is cheating on me - but I also feel that I need to support him because this isn't a normal situation. 

We have two young children and are isolated from friends and family and have work commitments. Even if we were to separate - neither of us can physically leave the house and I'm worried that he'll give up all together. 

I still love him and want to get through this, but I don't know if I'm being clouded by delusion that it's just his illness.

[blondguy]

Good morning CeeDee

Paul here...and welcome to the forums. Cutting to the chase...Good to hear your hubby is getting therapy and taking meds....nice work! I am only guessing but if I may ask you....does he have depression or anxiety?

This is only my opinion CeeDee but it looks like his illness is making him connect to his ex maybe when his health was better? I am sorry for the pain this situation can bring..not a good place for right now..

What concerns me here is when you quoted him saying 'he wont stop' I find thats cruel and cold. It may be the illness talking...considering the years you have been together.

What I am certain of (even though his illness is no excuse for his behavior) is...I have never seen even one relationship work the second time around especially after so long period of absence. They usually fail...

If I may ask you CeeDee....can you go with him to one of these counselling sessions? That may be a smart move...I wonder if his counsellor is aware his trip back in time?

I have had depression on and off for 20 years and even with it...behavior like this is not acceptable.

I hope you can let us know how you are going CeeDee

We are here for you and well done for having the courage to post

Paul

[Ceedee26]

Thanks for your reply Paul. It's depression and only very early days into diagnosis. 

I have said I will go with him to his sessions if and when the time comes. It is so early on in these though I think he needs the time to himself first. He has mentioned the other woman in the sessions and it's something they will address. 

It does feel cruel of him, but he also doesn't understand it - so some part of me has hope that it's just something he feels will make him feel better at this time. 

It's just hard to know how supportive to be when it's hurting me and our family at the same time.

[Msnoodle]

Hi CeeDee, 
so sorry to hear what you are going through. I am not exactly in the same boat, but a somewhat similar situation where my partner feels depressed and seems to find solace in talking to other women.

 I got some advice which resonated with me, to write a letter to your partner explaining how the behaviour is making you feel and the impact it is having on you and both of your family.  with a letter you can take your time to explain your feelings properly and he has the opportunity to digest it as well. It may help him to address and understand the situation more fully in counselling?

[Ceedee26]

Thanks Msnoodle. 

He is aware of exactly how I feel. We can talk about it - albeit with me in hysterics every time he speaks to her, but it's not an unknown. 

He knows it's wrong and it's hurting me but he can't understand why he is having feelings outside of our marriage.

[Ceedee26]

It's been about a month since I last posted on here and it just seems to have gotten worse. My husband seems to be spiralling into darkness. 

He's coming up to just over 4 weeks since he started counselling and medication. He's been to two counsellors as the first didn't work out. The second one he has only seen once - but he seems positive about him which is a huge relief.

However - he seems to just be getting worse and worse. I am wholeheartedly behind him - but he's rejecting my support.

I don't know how to get through to him. 

He says that he feels like no one needs him - he likes to fix things - people - things - anything. I suppose he's right in that I don't need him in a sense of a functional need, but I can't seem to get through to him that needs are different.

I'm lost and I feel like the longer this goes on the more I feel like breaking myself.

[Doolhof]

Hi Ceedee,

I'm sorry to read that you feel like your husband is sinking further. That must be very distressing for you.

It is good that he has tried talking to a different counsellor. Is it possible for you to talk to someone yourself to get help and advice?

Have you ever tried using the phone help lines like the one here at Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Life Line. I have used them both in the past and I found them to be very beneficial.

You need to find ways to make the most of your days to help you through this. A little bit of positivity can gop a long way.

Do you have friends whom you can talk to or who you could go out with now and then for a change of scenery?

If you don't mind me asking, is your husband still connected to this other women? How would your husband react if he thought you had another guy in your life? Can he not see that what he has done or is still doing is not right?

Hopefully by sharing how you are feeling here, you might feel a slight sense of release from all the hurt and pain you must be feeling, plus possible confusion and not knowing what to do.

It might help to make a list of nice things you would like to do for yourself and your children, and try to do some of those things.

Can you find jobs for your husband to do? There must be something around the place that needs his attendance? If not, are there places nearby that he can volunteer his services?

Maybe he is feeling a little lost. Maybe his depression is making him feel worthless (I know that is how I feel sometimes when depressed) We all need to feel like we have a purpose and a reason for being here.

Does your husband work? How fulfilling is his work?

Hope some of this helps.

From Mrs. Dools

[blondguy]

Good Morning CeeDee

Thankyou for getting back to us. I am so sorry to hear that your husband is getting worse. I understand that everyone is different CeeDee but even after having depression for 25 years I always welcomed any support I could get. For your husband to reject your wholehearted support is unusual.

Its a tender area CeeDee but can I ask you if your husband has had a really good cry? To his therapist or to you?

This is only one of the steps towards recovery but a crucial one as venting this way can bring him relief...Probably not during the crying/venting....but afterwards some relief/peace should follow.

I hope you find some peace soon CeeDee. I also hope you have a friend/your Gp that you can reach to for support while you are going through this. You health is paramount here.

Kind Thoughts for You

Paul