Supporting family and friends

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Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s?

replies: 3

Hey everyone, It’s hard to miss the talk around the new social media restrictions for under 16s, set to roll out across Australia in early December. We’ve heard from some of the younger members of our community, and now we’d love to hear from parents and caregivers. For some, this change might feel like a welcome relief - a clearer way to manage social media use and protect young people. For others, there may be concerns about how it will affect access to online support, questions around how age verification will actually work, or frustration and powerlessness over a decision beyond our control. All of these feelings are valid. If you’re a parent or caregiver, or you have some young people in your life that will be affected by these restrictions, how are you feeling about this change? We’ve created this space for anyone caring for young people to share their thoughts, ask questions, and support each other through the uncertainty of the months ahead.Kind regardsSophie M

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

replies: 41

This list has been compiled from experiences supporting my husband with depression. There is no one size fits all, so please take what you are comfortable with based on your circumstances and resources. 1. Reach out to family and/or friends to feel supported - this also covers support groups - online or face to face. Don't let stigma stop you from reaching out. 2. Relationship boundaries - identify what is acceptable and not. My general platform is that physical abuse is unacceptable as well as regular demeaning/berating comments. Communicate this openly so everyone understands. 3. Coping tools - this could be exercise, meditation, reading a book, meeting friends, etc. They are important for your mental health. 4. Knowledge is power - research to understand about depression. The more you know, the better care you can provide. 5. Remember your partner in the good times - this is their true selves, not the darkness. 6. Listen and show receptivity - without judgement or anger. If communicate becomes strained, the timeout can provide clarity. Encourage communication gently and try not to push. 7. Seek counselling - sharing your feelings can provide an opportunity to off load the heavy stuff and identify resilience and coping strategies. 8. Work as a team - don't let mental illness be in the driver's seat. Offer to go to the Dr's and support them. Understand medication and side effects. Be understanding that some days are harder than others. 9. Words are powerful - remember what you say cannot be taken back. 10. Carer Self-esteem and self-worth - if you compromise these for the sake of supporting your partner, you are likely to live with resentment towards your partner and the circumstances you find yourself in. 11. Don't forget the children - challenging circumstances at home can affect them mentally and emotionally. Speak about mental illness (COPMI.com.au - has some great resources) and be a strong foundation toward maintaining normality in their daily activities. 12. Intimacy - there are many variables here, so from my experience - keep communication open and make couple time to connect. When my husband was depressed, daily hugs or holding hands wherever possible worked for us. Some carers I have spoken with said their partner would demand intimacy. My personal position is that intimacy is about love without demands or attachments relating to expectation. Demands only deplete the goodness in the connection and sharing a a loving experience. [Moderator's note: this thread is for sharing tips on what has worked for you in supported a loved one with a mental health condition. In order to help us keep this thread focused on solutions, please start a new thread if you are seeking support from the community around how to best support your loved one.]

by Carmela •

Blue Voices Member•

Posted in Supporting family and friends

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15-07-2016

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Is it possible my friend does not want to be happy?

replies: 4

My best friend since we were children has been depressed for most of her life. We are in our 30s now and she started to become very depressed as a teenager and it has just continued on and on. She has been on many medications and she can often put on a smile in public but as soon as we are alone she is very depressed. She has alwayd slept all day until around 2pm and has a casual night job and still lives with her parents. She is a loving and kind person but I feel like she has never made an actual effort to build a life for herself. She always has a reason for why she can't do this and can't do that and barely leaves the house. Her parents don't know what to do either. They walk around on eggshells out of fear of upsetting her. I also feel I have to walk on eggshells around her too as she is easily offended. For years I have been trying to help her but now I feel like she wouldnt even bother with me if I didn't contact her. She rarely responds to my calls or messages. I often ask her out to thw movies or dinner to get her out of the house but she always says she's not feeling well and just wants to veg on the couch..so I will visit her instead and she will just drink wine watching TV. She has shut almost everybody out of her life as well. She has had falling outs with family because she thinks they are out to get her but I think they are just worried about her. I just don't know how to help her anymore. She gets upset a lot about wanting a boyfriend and children but I can't get her out of the house long enough to meet anybody. I feel like she isn't happy unless she is unhappy if that makes sense. It is becoming increasingly draining be around her but I just want her to have the life she deserves and be happy.

Abused and blamed..again.

replies: 4

The last 2 days he's been extremely tired and it's hard to know if he's like this due to working 12 days straight or due to him being unmedicated for over 8 weeks. His original diagnosis after years of denial more than 10 years ago was major depressive disorder. Hes been on many medications of varying dosages, some with initial success. I am worried the Psychiatrist either has missed something is struggling to treat him or is being told half truths. He says reason Psychiatrist stopped medication was because it wasn't working, says there is no more medication to try he's tried everything and nothing works and was told to try St Johns Wart instead. This i may add hasn't worked either. Since him stopping all medications i've also been told that his family don't care about him and only contact him when they want something, that i am the one causing him grief and that if i'd just get off his back things would be fine, and that the only reason i want him on medication is so he can put up with more crap and keep his mouth shut. Hes insisting i am picking on him claiming i am saying things to be critical and expecting too much. He now told me to keep the house he can't take it anymore and that my issues is i never do anything wrong. It's hard to love when you get treated this way. I'm disabled and cannot work am in pain and recently out of surgery. He and his Psychiatrist chose the worst time to go off medication as i need support. Could he have been misdiagnosed? Why has medications been such an issue over the last 10 years? Is it wise for his Psychiatrist to have taken him off all medications? Does this Psychiatrist not understand the trauma it is causing at home? I worry how good he may be as he told hubby to get testosterone because he may be low and after bloods were done was on the lower end of the average scale. A chance finding of a condition called polycythemia (blood is too thick and adding testosterone can cause stroke or deep vein thrombosis) was found and he was refused testosterone yet after telling the Psychiatrist he told hubby to get natural supplements to increase testosterone because his GP had refused. The Psychiatrist is a body builder. His advice scared the hell out of me as it went against what 2 GP's had said not to do. I'm at a loss of what to do and where to go and really struggling with the hurt and pain i feel and feeling so alone and rejected.

How to support and cope with his depression

replies: 4

Hi all my name is Amy and I'm 25, my partner is 29. He is suffering badly with depression and occasionally suicidal thinking. He has just recently sought help and is seeing a psychiatrist in 2 weeks time. This has been going on for a good 6 months. the way his depression is affecting us at the moment is, he quit his shift work job as he just wasn't coping with it any more, and is about to start his own lawn mowing/gardening business (a franchise) which has caused some huge financial worry on my part. he has no motivation to do anything, the simplest tasks such as putting clothes away or feeding the dogs just overwhelms him and he gets so depressed about his responsibilities that he either just ignores them and does something to make himself happy like PlayStation or work on his car, or he goes to bed and sleeps. we have two 7 year olds, I work full time, and I am also battling cancer and undergoing chemotherapy at the moment. i am left doing all the house work, all the cooking, all the responsibilities of looking after the kids, getting them to school etc. I am left doing 80% of the work to get the business up and running so he can work. He current has a couple of jobs to do for people already and has not organised them as he says he is too depressed/unmotivated/overwhelmed to do them. I do things like make him a to-do list for the day and purposely give him no more than 2 things on the list so as to not overwhelm him. I send him encouraging messages throughout the day as he told me he just needs positive support, like a cheer leader of sorts. but I come home everyday to nothing having been done, nothing at home and nothing job related either. I'm stressing so much as I have so much on my plate, and I fear that when the business is up and running and the franchise people send him leads for work, he won't be able to do it, we need him to be making over $2,000 per month to stay afloat. Whenever I bring up my concern with it, he says I need to be positive and believe in him. But then when I ask him to do something simple like get groceries, he simply cannot muster the energy to do it. My concerns are not irrational. what the hell do I do? I'm even contemplating stopping my cancer treatment temporarily to help him for the next couple of months as the chemo makes me bed bound for 4 days! i undersgand what he is going through is worse that how I am feeling but I am not coping either. I love him so very much! any suggestions, or thoughts ?

My friend is making me feel overwhelmed and depressed

replies: 1

I have a friend who is really negative and sad all the time, she's also really paranoid and thinks everyone is talking about her. I think she might be depressed. Although I want to help her, being around her stresses me out and is making my own mental health deteriorate. We are "best friends" but she just doesn't seem to care about me at all. As much as I want to help her, I have anxiety and am well on the way to depression. Additionally, when I'm with her I can't talk to anyone else, otherwise she goes silent and makes things awkward. This means that now she's my only close friend. What should I do?

Cranky, pregnant, wife, mother and carer

replies: 4

I have been with my partner for almost 5 years but we have known each other since high school in fact we were high school sweethearts. He has suffered with severe depression for a very long time and has been medicated for years, I knew this about him when we got together and accepted that we would have our ups and downs because of it, we have, and have always come through the other side. His depression has been deepening over the past 6 or so months and three weeks ago he walked out on his job, went to bed and stayed there for 4 days, I managed to get him to the doctor and subsequently to a psychiatrist but things are just getting worse and I cant seem to muster the energy to be as supportive as I need to be. We have a 2 year old daughter, I am 27 weeks pregnant we also have 2 sons each to our previous relationships that we have on a part time basis (yes, 6 in total), I work part time but don't earn enough to cover rent by myself and I don't know if he intends on returning to work. I am trying to keep everything afloat, keep up with the house, feed us, keep focus at work, be an active positive parent to the boys, look after unborn babies health and stay in a happy place for our daughter. I am SO exhausted! I cry in the car to and from work but that doesn't seem to help. He does nothing to help me out and blames me for so much, he wont communicate with me and I feel myself slowly withdrawing from him which I know is probably the worst thing I can do for his health. I have had a previous preemie baby and am so scared of the stress inducing labour I have had some minor contractions that have luckily settled, even if the baby comes late I don't know how I am going to cope. I know I need to be supportive and help guide him out of this but I am so angry with him for bailing on me right now. I always tell him we are a team and we work through stuff together but I feel like I am out on the field on my own at the moment and there is no one on the bench. I am sorry I don't have a question I just really needed to vent. We have been dealing with depression for a long time now, but still don't really understand it. I do know I hate it!

I'm not sure what else to do?

replies: 1

Hi im not quite sure where to start so here goes! My husband and I have been married almost 6 yrs and together for 11. We have an almost 4 yo daughter and I'm 32wks pregnant. About 4 weeks ago my husband just 'let it out' that he wasn't happy. We had a few conversations and these were some of the phrases that he used: "I don't know who I am anymore" " I love you but not like I should. You are my best friend" "I've been trying to do the right thing by everyone else and ignoring me. It's eating me away". He decided he needed some space so I took our daughter to visit family for 2 weeks. When we came back he was still in 'that' space. He has a stressful job and works such long hours 6 days a week. He interacts with our daughter as normal and is fine with friends/work mates etc but with me, it's like he has put up a stone wall. He will talk and everything as though we are friends and it is like I'm living with a housemate rather than husband. he shows me very little emotional attachment at all except if he wants to have sex. He is seeing someone for some help and I know there is a family history of depression in his family. I wil also say that after our daughter was born he also needed time as he didn't know what he wanted. However he came back home after 2/3weeks. This time it has been going on for just over a month. I'm just not sure where to go from here? We did suggest we just cool off and have this baby and get it all settled in then put our cards back on the table but I didn't realise it would be so hard, especially being pregnant. I don't even know what I'm asking. I guess I'm just wondering is it typical behaviour for him to do this? Thanks for listening to me waffle on! Mrs L

Depressed partner question

replies: 2

Hi guysI know this subject comes up often but here i am with the same question for my own sake so sorry in advance. I broke up with my partner a couple of weeks ago due to his depression. I have known him for seven years and our friendship was very deep.He had wanted to be with me for years but i always said no due to not wanting to potentially ruin a great friendship if things didn't work. Cut to a year later and i asked myself what i am doing? He is wonderful friend and perhaps this just might work. When i asked him if his feelings were still there and if he felt like pursuing something he was over joyed and for months things were perfect in our new relationship.Suddenly within a week (4 months into relationship) he was acting different, his communication was very withdrawn compared to normal. He just seemed so different out of the blue. When i asked him what was up he said that every year he goes through a depression of about 2 weeks and it causes him to have doubt which he was associating to be with our relationship.For a month I watched his depression consume him, he said it made everything feel 'grey' and after another week it had gotten worse and he had never known it to last this long but he acknowledged i was not the cause of it and neither was our relationship.For 2.5 more months i kept going, everyday i would call or msg him to let him know how wonderful he was and that he was not alone. Even though i would hardly get a response and his affection and reliability disappeared i still pursued to hold his hand through this illness. After another few weeks i didn't recognise him, he had changed so much and finally he told me that he thought we worked better as friends.Obviously i was gutted, despite knowing that i couldn't cure him i thought i could at least help him till he came out the other side.I know that he is now seeing a psychologist and is open to medication (he was on medication 10 years ago but went off them because he was actually doing ok for a long time until now).I asked him to not contact me until he thinks he is in a better place because i also need to heal.He said he would respect that but would like to sit down and have a conversation when he feels he is in that place.I guess want i'm asking is that do you think when he recovers his feelings will come back? I care about him deeply and I hope he can in someway recover to be the beautiful person i know he was only last year.Im just looking for hope guys, vic

Exhausted by this roller coaster - husband bpd

replies: 3

My husband has borderline personality disorder. Was diagnosed 9 years after we met. Was perfectly healthy before that. 9 years since diagnosis.. I am breadwinner, we have 4 kids. He can't/won't work. He doesn't spend any time with me. Is not interested in intimacy anymore. Fixates on stupid things and makes mountains out of molehills. He has tantrums, breaks things, drops things, binge drinks often.... im lonely. I love him. I'm sick of feeling rejected. I can't do anything right. I still don't understand what happened to the man I fell in love with, married, and made 4 kids with...... im devastated. I'm exhausted.

Stuck in the middle

replies: 5

Hi, 18 months ago my husband was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour, had surgery, went through chemotherapy and all around had a rough year. This year he had a second surgery and has suffered paralysis. He has been in hospital now for 6 months and is not coping well with the prospect of his future. I was constantly at the hospital for the first month after the second surgery. He was in such a confused and desperate state due to his acquired brain injury. He is in the care of psychologists at the hospital. There is a lot he won't share with them that he does with me. He he talks to me about suicide, which I did share with the social worker when he told me about his plan. We have a 3 year old and for that first month she was being looked after mostly by family. I barely saw her each day and this obviously had an effect on her and her behaviour (very tearful, angry, ignoring everyone, extreme temper tantrums). I cut back on my hours when I hit carer's fatigue. He didn't understand and is still often angry with me about it, but it had to happen because I was so worried about our daughter. I still get angry when people say she will be fine and kids are resilient. I completed an 8 week circle of security course. This has helped and I thought she was starting to do ok. Recently she had started showing signs of anxiety again - a lot of toilet accidents saying she didn't know she needed to go. She complains of stomach aches some mornings she goes to daycare and I go to work. Her aunt and brother collect her a day each from daycare so I can spend the evening at the hospital and recently she has been bursting into tears when they arrive and she won't tell them why. She told me she just wanted to be with me (I have probed and am not concerned about any abuse). I am stuck as to how to help her, as the situation is not going to change for several months yet. Even when her father comes home things are going to be very tough because of his disability and his own mental state. He currently lacks any patience when she behaves like a normal 3 year old, let alone a 3 year old going through a rough time. He is also extremely demanding of my time and attention. He has admitted that he he feels resentful of her because she needs my time too, which he hates feeling. I am seeing a psychologist. I am setting boundaries with his behaviour and expectations. But I am not sure what new strategies I can try without making a big deal out of thing, like accidents, with her.

Worried About My Man

replies: 3

Hi All Thanks for Reading I am concerned about my partner of 3 years, 53 yo male. Several weeks ago he withdrew from me. He has done this in the past, several times, and explained, when he returned, that he needs to be alone sometimes. No-one understands. He needs to be silent, if he speaks, no-one will want to hear want he says, he is worried about hurting others. Currently, while he is withdrawn from me he is functioning in the world and completing a mammoth task we were working on together. I trust him implicitly. I know he is hurting right now. I feel that he thinks he is saving me from him, I deserve better ... I worry about suggesting depression to him as he told me in the past that his ex wife insisted that he needed medication which he felt he didn't need and resented taking. He said it made him manic. He trusts and has faith in no-one. When he first went quiet this time, I responded with frustration and anger. I felt that I deserved better ... he was functioning and speaking to others, just not me ... then, 2 weeks later, one of his childhood friends, whom I had never met, made contact with me, as he had not heard from him in over 12 months and was concerned about him too! I thought he was keeping in touch with this particular guy. That's when I realised that it wasn't about me, or us, he is hurting, struggling with that big black bloody dog. As long as I have known him he has struggled to sleep, despite being a hard worker who goes to bed totally exhausted. I know that he has ghosts from his past which he has shared with only me. I am wondering how to get him to some help whilst maintaining his confidence? I can't walk away, I love this man. He needs help.

Parents and caregivers: How are you feeling about the social media restrictions for under 16s? replies: 3

Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience replies: 41

Is it possible my friend does not want to be happy? replies: 4

Abused and blamed..again. replies: 4

How to support and cope with his depression replies: 4

My friend is making me feel overwhelmed and depressed replies: 1

Cranky, pregnant, wife, mother and carer replies: 4

I'm not sure what else to do? replies: 1

Depressed partner question replies: 2

Exhausted by this roller coaster - husband bpd replies: 3

Stuck in the middle replies: 5

Worried About My Man replies: 3