Struggling to support my mum who lives in a different state

Michelle09 · ‎09-07-2016

Hi,

I'm 22 and can't seem to help my mum.

7 years ago my dad had an affair with my mums best friend & then my mum moved to QLD, I went with her, my 3 sisters stayed with my dad. After a year my sisters told my mum they don't want anything to do with her anymore. This is where the depression started, it wasn't too bad at first, then my pop passed away and it got worse, my sisters (who stopped all communication with my mum's side except for me) came to the funeral, this is where things turned into a nightmare. My sisters and dad no longer speak to me after the events that took place, I blame them for mums state. I then found out when my nan passed away, 1 year after my pop, that my mum tried to kill herself. It didn't suprise me. SHe finally seemed to get better for 4 months and then the past 2 months she is spiralling again but worse than before. When my pop passed away she moved to NSW to look after my nan.

I feel horrible because it hurts so much that I can't be the child, that I have to be a parent and she is extremely clingy. The past month she hasn't asked about me, all she does is talk about herself and I'm starting to grow closer to my to be mother in law (getting married next year) and my mum isn't interested at all in the wedding and then complains about anything I bring up. I'm struggling with it all as she has no friends ( she seems to cause drama wherever she goes), my uncles who live near her are fed up with her behavior, gets upset when I can't come an visit her because I'm at uni and have 6 week pracs that I must attend.

I love her so much but it feels like its getting too much, I'm constantly stressed, my marks have not been good since she takes everything out on me, I am crying every time after I speak to her because she makes me feel horrible.

I don't know what to do. Any advice or recommendations would be appreciated.

Sophie_M · ‎10-07-2016

Hi Michelle. Congrats on your upcoming wedding! You're not alone in experiencing the struggles of caring for a parent and the role reversal that comes with it. There are some threads here with good advice, including the ones pinned to the top of the forum, that I hope you get a chance to read through. I'm sure some others will chime in too, but for now I just really want to encourage you to look after your own wellbeing and happiness. Do you have your own support network - your fiancee, MIL or friends you can debrief with after speaking with your mum?

Carmela · ‎12-07-2016

Hi Michelle09, what a strong daughter you are for standing up and looking out for your Mum.

Can you tell me if your mum is taking medication and/or seeing a psychologist? Is she taking steps to help herself?

Caring for a loved one, we can get entangled in their pain and darkness. As Sophie_M suggested you do need to look after your own wellbeing and happiness. When things get tough, have some time out and let your mum know that this is necessary for your own wellbeing. She may not understand and that is ok, but you do and your life cannot be put on hold. Get engrossed in the joy of organising your wedding and spending time with your fiance and yourself.

There are some resources available on BeyondBlue for carers, however COPMI (Children of Parents with a Mental Illness) is a great site to check out. It's premise is to support children who are supporting parents. I would highly recommend you Google the site and spend some time reviewing their material.

Please write back Michelle09 and let us know how things are going.

Carmela

romantic_thi3f · ‎13-07-2016

Hi Michelle09,

Welcome and thanks for reaching out. I just wanted to post and see how you were feeling since you posted a few days ago?

Having parents with a mental illness can be so hard; it sounds like your mum is really struggling and that it gets pretty draining sometimes. Does she have a lot of support around her? Is she seeing a psychologist?

Like Carmela and Sophie_M has written, it's so important to put yourself first. What would that look like for you? Maybe it's important to set some boundaries so that when you talk to your mum you only talk for a little while or only about certain things, or maybe it means lots and lots of self-care afterwards - bubble baths, yoga or slogging it out at the gym can be great stress relievers. Does your uni have a counsellor there? Sometimes it can help to get some extra support for you; helping you to 'switch off' from the conversations but also reinforcing that your mum's issues aren't your issues. Easier said than done I know - but if your mum has the support she needs then you need to focus on you.

It may also help to set some boundaries; as much as you want to be there for your mum, it's not your role to be her therapist. Sometimes it can help having a counsellor guide you both through it - or maybe just reshuffling - so it might be a quick Skype call before dinner, or sending her something in the post to show that you care. There are still ways to help that don't have to leave you feeling drained.

On a different note - congrats on your wedding next year! It sounds pretty exciting. Maybe wedding prep might be a good way to help take your mind away from things and onto things that bring you lots of joy.

geoff · ‎14-07-2016

hi Michelle, is it meant to be exciting planning your wedding and time ahead with your new husband, but it's been overshadowed by different circumstances that has now put a cloud over your relationship with your mum, but certainly not what you want.
There are really a few issues here, the first that your dad had an affair with your mum's best friend which would have devastated your mum and has probably started her downfall, but she only had you who wanted to help her, but there are reasons why people want to kill themselves, sometimes we know why and sometimes we don't know all the reasons why, but in her way she has been trying to reach out, but has not succeeded, so it's difficult for you to know what to do as you have so much going on, so we understand.
If you can look at COPMI as Carmela has suggested it maybe able to offer some help towards you, as I have read it and find it to be very helpful.
Your mum is not well and suffering badly, so when this happens comments are made by her that never seem to make any sense and they upset you so you are struggling to get on with the planning of your wedding, coping with uni, and then trying to make any sense from what your mum says, which does mean that she definitely needs help, because being clingy to you just puts more pressure on you, so can you take her to see your doctor andfrom there on he/she will take over what needs to be done. Geoff.x

Michelle09 · ‎19-07-2016

Thank you Sophie! Yes my fiance and best friend are so very supportive and try to help me whatever way they can. I appreciate you taking the time to comment.

Michelle09 · ‎19-07-2016

Hi Carmela,

Thank you for taking the time to comment.

My mum is on quite a bit of medication. I have asked her many times to see a psychologist and she went once and never returned because "it didn't help" I tried explaining to her that it would take time but she didn't want to waste her money on it ( I did offer to go half with her but this was still refused).

I'm scared to tell her how I feel because I feel she will get angry. Yesterday she called to me to tell me she was flying from Sydney to the Gold Coast to come and see me for 2 nights. I told her that I was moving on the weekend and needed to finish packing and that I also have work. She got so angry that I had work and hung up on me.

Thank you for suggesting COPMI, I will definitely check it out.

Shelby

Michelle09 · ‎19-07-2016

Hi Romantic_thi3f,

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Unfortunately my mum seems to cause issues wherever she goes and this has resulted in her losing a lot of friends and causing tension with her brothers and sister-in-law who she was once close to. She tried going to a psychologist once but she said it didn't work, I tried to explain that it would take time but I've had no luck getting her back to one.

I know there has to be some boundaries but I am the only person she talks to about her problems and I am worried she will try commiting suicide again if I tell her there are boundaries.

Thank you for the congratulations, I'm very excited and hope my mum can share in the joy.

Michelle09 · ‎19-07-2016

Hi Geoff,

Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Yes I can't imagine how she must feel but she just refuses any help and denies that she has issues. I might have to make a trip to Sydney and dicuss how concerned I am with her.

romantic_thi3f · ‎25-07-2016

Hi Michelle09,

How did your Mum's trip to see you go?

Thank you for replying to us; I can see that it hasn't been easy for you and I'm sorry that you have to deal with this while you have so much on your plate. I'm just wondering if it would help for you to see a counsellor? Often at the uni's they have counsellors that you can see for free - this might be a great way just to unload in a safe space, but also as they are counsellors they may have some suggestions on how to set boundaries that feel safe and comfortable for both you and your mum.

You mentioned too that your mum tried seeing a psychologist but felt that they didn't help. You said she only tried it once; it can take a bit of time to develop a relationship with the therapist - some people do 'hit it off' when the therapist straightaway but others take a bit of time. Seeing a therapist can be a lot like seeing a Doctor though; there is no two quite the same. I would try to encourage her again and try someone different; maybe there might even be someone in her area that comes recommended? Or maybe a different profession might be less daunting - mental health nurses, social workers, counsellors or even religious/spiritual leaders can have a different approach. Also, Medicare have specialised care plans that enable 10 visits per calendar year to psychologists - so money does not have to be an issue.