UPDATED: Depressed/anxious adult son

[J06]

I have a severely depressed single adult son. Has seen many psychologist and psychiatrists none of whom have been able to help. Issues are many, started in childhood and have continued through his life. Has few friends, no partner. Different medications over many years haven't helped. I live in another state, he says he doesn't want me to visit as we will just argue. Probably true. But do I just go anyway? He can't see why I didn't see the signs from when he was a young child. Feels that other siblings were always sided with against him. Blames siblings for also not showing enough care towards him. I hear what he says and see why in his current state of mind he feels the way he does but I don't see it so black and white and when I suggest it wasn't quite the way he saw it he gets annoyed! I had a busy life, my husband and I worked full time to educate our children. They each had a different activity after school. I took one child to one (several miles away), my husband took another child to the other (several miles away) and this son was taken by a neighbour to his chosen activity with his friend. He now feels that I chose to take one, his father chose to take one and he was left with the neighbour. But it wasn't done in the way he said.   Why didn't I see some signs and do something about it. I thought his behaviour was just poor children's behaviour. From being a baby he had a bad relationship with his father. He will say something and then several months later will say that he had waved a flag at me during that time and why hadn't I seen it. I'm not thick or stupid, although maybe I'm blinkered? I don't know what to do. I ring about twice weekly. He seems to have reached a place where he is convinced the world is against him, he is so convinced he is right and that no-one can help him that he just says - this won't help, that won't help, these people haven't helped over many many years so why should a different person. I wish he had someone to love him, who he could come home to and who he can talk to on a daily basis. If he felt loved he might feel less lonely and might cope better. Or am I clutching at straws. Any suggestions as to what I could do to help him will be greatly appreciated. We are past self help books, music, candles, relaxation CD's etc. Coming home is not an option because he needs to be near his work and he has no friends or contacts here and its rural.  Thank you.    

[Zeal]

Hi J06,

Welcome to the forum!

I’m sorry to hear things have been so hard for your son. I am an adult daughter (22 years old) and still live at home. I had severe mental illness a few years ago, and I was very dependent on my parents. Now I have turned a corner in my life, and I am much happier. It’s great that your son’s severe depression has been treated with professional therapy, and that you’ve tried antidepressants. Have you had tests to determine if your son lacks a certain chemical in his brain? I am serotonin deficient, so I’ve been taking an SSRI (selective-serotonin reuptake inhibitor) antidepressant for about three years now.

It sounds like you’ve already tried just about everything though. As your son has experienced depressive symptoms for many years, it will take hard work to finally start seeing improvements. The only major thing I can think of to somewhat help your son, is for him to find something he’s passionate about. Does he like his job? With severe depression, though, enjoying anything can be a real challenge. Has your son had periods when he seems less depressed? Have you noticed anything which causes him to sink deeper into depression? These are good questions to ask yourself and your son, and it’s likely you already have. However, as he doesn’t live at home, you can’t observe these things.

Unfortunately, it’s common for sufferers of depression and other mental illnesses to project blame onto others. His siblings are probably not that involved in your son’s life, due to his illness. This is a shame, but it’s hard for people to stick around when the situation feels futile. If your adult kids live within driving distance, perhaps you could organise a family therapy session. I know this may be one of the most dreaded suggestions for your son’s siblings, but this may really help him. Your son has unresolved issues from his childhood, including his relationship with his father and his siblings, so this needs to be addressed.

Your son is lucky to have a Mum who supports him :) I don’t know what I would have done without the support of my parents. Is it possible for you to move to where your son lives? That might be completely impractical, as you probably have ties to where you live, as well as a job. Coming home to an empty house is probably disconcerting for him, as you have said.

Good luck with helping your son.

Best wishes,

SM

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo

Thank you for providing this post and welcome to Beyond Blue.

Judging from all that you’ve written, it seems that your son has his mind well and truly made up with all that has happened and that no amount of coaxing or gentle talks or self-help remedies will be of any use.  And this would be frustrating for you – as it shows out big time how much you love and care for him, not only now, but also when growing up.  That’s a special bond that is golden – the link between mother and her children.

You’ve stated that he is severely depressed, no doubt through multiple doctors diagnosing him?   Does your son believe he is severely depressed?  I’m guessing that he thinks he was bought up a little differently to his siblings, for which he doesn’t seem too happy about, but does he link this with depression?

Another question if I may, in that you’ve expressed your wish for him to have someone, someone to come home too, etc.  Now this is no doubt a natural feeling for a Mum that her children will find someone and have a loving relationship, but I guess I’m coming from your son’s angle here (if I’m guessing correctly that is), in that (and not knowing his age) he’s on his own at the moment and is holding down a job.  He’s obviously doing the right things where he is – as he would no doubt have a place where he’s living as well.

Also, does he have any ‘outside’ activities, hobbies, sports that he likes to do?  Quite often being depressed can put an end to these for a while, but it’s always good to find out to see if an alternative might work.

I guess what I’m trying to ascertain here is that a lot of this related back to his childhood and how it was for him “then” OR is he constantly talking about it “now”?

What would happen say, if you reduced your twice weekly calls to just once a week?   On a weekend, say, just to catch up?

I’m sorry if I’ve fired too many questions, but it’ll just give us a bit more of a clearer picture for how your son is feeling right now;  and for how he’s enjoying his work/his job/his location?

I do hope to hear back from you on this.

Neil

[J06]

Thanks for the comments. Unfortunately the 3 siblings all live in different states as do we, so anyone visiting anyone is a costly nightmare although we do get together at Christmas. He does feel he was treated differently, and because he butted heads with his father from a young age he probably was because I tried to protect him - none of which looking back helped them to come together. Siblings get on reasonably well, ring, text, or email on and off. They do disagree though in that two siblings think their brother has a sense of entitlement and this causes disagreements and they don't talk for a while and then get back in contact. He misses not having a partner and has told me how he would love to go home and have a special someone to put their arms around him and tell him all will be well. He feels there is no-one - not even a special friend.

When we talk it all comes back to how no one can help because he's been seeing people for years and they haven't been able to help with all his problems - and he brings things out from when he was about 5 right up to now and how his siblings did or did not do.. and I did or did not do... and how when he said such and such why didn't I pick up that he was asking for help - when he didn't put in school work for a term why didn't I see that he was asking for help. My answer is I just didn't. But it's an empty answer to him and I am left wondering why I didn't see what was happening.

He has a profession, rents a small place but can't earn enough to buy his own place. Yes I can cut down my calls to him but then I think that maybe he thinks I don't care - because he knows I know he has little contact with people who actually care. But when he rings and is upset and goes through everything all over again what can I say. I can't hang up and leave him hurt. I try and tell him how things weren't as bad when he was young as he feels. But we are dealing with his feelings. He feels they were. I don't know what to say. I don't known if there is anything to say. Do I have to try and accept he will always feel like this always going through the same things and I have to listen and accept.

As he says - he has seen so many people, psychologist, psychiatrist, doctors, different medication - maybe there is nothing else and no-one else for him.

Sorry to be so long winded.

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo

Thank you for your most recent response.

You raise a very good point:     “Do I have to try and accept he will always feel like this always going through the same things and I have to listen and accept.”    For which I’m sorry but I’m really unable to supply you with an answer on this however I’d really like to know what the answer to this is and I say that as I’m wondering whether it might be beneficial (worthwhile) if you could perhaps get along to say a psyche?   To pour out everything that has happened and more importantly for how it currently is and to get a professional’s point of view/advice/guidance on all of this.  Just a thought?

Also, in regard to one of the last comments you made:     “ … maybe there is nothing else and no-one else for him.”   I don’t agree with this as I like to believe that no matter what experience we are struggling with, there will always be something or somebody who can help or make a difference.  I think this is where so many of us have tried for different either doctors or psyches, only to be met with frustration, BUT to not let that frustration win.  To then continue on and seek out another option – keep trying, keep searching, because I believe there is someone who is a “fit” for all of us.  It just can take some time, but the journey is so very worth it.

And no need to be sorry for unloading – it’s awesome that you’re able to do this;   and likewise, I hope that you feel even a small sense of “a lift” as you’ve been able to get this out of your head and onto computer screen;  can be beneficial from time to time.

Keep posting.

Neil

[Mumm]

“he's been seeing people for years and they haven't been able to help with all his problems –“

hope you don’t mind my butting in, but I couldn’t help having a reaction to the above comment.   I remember when I was seeing a lot of people and thinking the same thing and then one day while seeing a new GP he told me that I wasn’t going mad, that I was suffering from stress and depression, he referred me to a wonderful woman (who’s name I can’t recall) who advised me that she couldn’t help me, unless I helped myself and that this was the key to recovery.  Once I found and understood that key, I was able to understand so much more of what was going on, the counsillor's etc were opening avenues (doors) for me to find or discover for myself what or where my problems lay. They weren't telling me how to get better, they were pointing me in a direction to help myself get better.   I still have occasional bouts, but I now have the tools to cope and get on with it.

My daughter asked me a few years back for the answer to make her life better, and all I could say was that the answer or key was within her, that it was the decisions she made that would change her life.  Guess what, she started making the right decisions, a bit late but better late than never.

[Sadmama]

Gee, I immediately felt better when I read this post because I have such a similar problem. So I joined up.

Have you resolved the issue?