UPDATED: My husband has anxiety, but he is blaming me and telling me that I need help

Need_a_holiday_ · ‎27-06-2016

My husband was diagnosed with anxiety about four years ago. Things hadn't been right for probably two years before that. We have three children together. My husband has never sought counselling, instead saying that the medication was all he needed. We had essentially separated, although living together still for twelve months. Earlier this year he walked out. At the time I was really upset, but it very quickly turned to relief. Relief that I didn't get scared coming home each day to see what mood he would be in, relief that no one was at home that would yell at me and tell me that I was ruining his life, relief that I could finally make decisions for myself without putting myself to the side for him. He then started to tell me that I was 'messing with his head' and that I was the one ruining the relationship. I don't feel that he respects me. He has told me that all he wants is a sexual relationship and he doesn't seem to understand that this is not important to me. I still love him and would like to try to work things out but I don't know that anything will change. He is blaming me and telling me that I need help. He tells me that he never really had any mental health issues. According to him, the doctor misdiagnosed him. I feel lost. I don't want to keep going through all this heart ache. Our children have told me that they don't want him to move back in because they don't want to be yelled at anymore. They still see him and have spent some time with him. This seems okay and the kids are happy when they return. I have accessed some counselling. My husband will not go and believes that couples counselling is not good because it is only me with the problem. I want to help him and us but not sure what to do. I have family who are telling me to walk away but it is hard. I also know the type of person he can be and really wish that person would come back. Any thoughts would be welcomed.

Haunted77 · ‎28-06-2016

Hi,

I can't really offer any advice, as I am in a similar situation. These forums are very helpful and i hope you get to have a scroll through at some of the other posts as it's seems there are lots of us in the same boat.

Take Care xx

Carmela · ‎30-06-2016

Hi, I can see from you post that your husband is behaving in a way that is causing you some confusion and heartache. I am glad to read that you are accessing counselling which is a positive step to maintain your mental health.

As a spouse, we cannot drag our husbands to consult a counsellor or see sense in how their behaviour is affecting the family and marriage. I speak from experience as my husband also refused to see a mental health practitioner for many years for depression. He relied on his medication and spent a period of time blaming me for life's woes. I 'stuck it out' for our little boy and concentrated on self-care instead of living a lifestyle of trying to help him. I did not totally abandon him. I would tell him frequently that l loved and cared for him and how important he was to me.

In the challenging times, l remembered the man who was absent of depression - caring, compassionate, a total gentleman and amazing father. It took every ounce of patience and love to see those dark periods through. How l did this, was remembering some advice given to me by my counsellor -

1. Acknowledge and accept emotions as they arise - as a spouse, it is common to feel sad, worried, angry or frustrated etc. These are normal reactions to challenging times. Be kind to your thoughts and reactions. You are doing the best you can and that should be acknowledged by you first.

2. You do not own the anxiety nor should you blame yourself for your husband's condition. There are many causes of anxiety and its nobody's fault. Knowledge is power - so learn everything you can about anxiety to understand what you can do and how your husband is feeling. I cannot emphasize this enough. You will have a difficult time communicating with your husband if you cannot understand what anxiety is or what it feels like. Beyondblue has some resources available. Take the time if you haven't already to check out - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/anxiety

3. Loving someone with anxiety can be difficult. You need to look within yourself and determine if this is something you are capable of doing. Don’t feel ashamed if you can’t, either. There are some things that people simply cannot handle.

All of us understand that caring for a loved one with mental ill health can be challenging, so please reach out. We are here to help.

Carmela

White_Rose · ‎30-06-2016

Dear Need a holiday

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I hope you continue to write in here as so many of the lovely people will be able to talk to you. Carmela has given you terrific suggestions, all the more valuable coming from someone who has been where you are. The decision to stay or leave is yours which doesn't help much I know. I mention it because ultimately this will happen.

In the meantime you can do things like a list of pros and cons but this does not take into consideration your feelings, wants and needs. However, you could write down the two scenarios and the potential outcomes from this. If I stay how will I maintain my mental health, what about the children etc. If I leave...

Have you talked to your psych about this? Silly question of course you have. Have you read Haunted's post in this forum? This may help you. Keep in touch.

Mary

Need_a_holiday_ · ‎01-07-2016

Thank you Mary and Carmela. I have read Haunted's post and can't believe how similar our stories are.

My biggest issues at the moment are that over the last two years, my husband has been lying constantly to me. This has ranged from lying about whether he went to work that day or who he was with or even what he was up to. He also gets extremely verbally abusive at the drop of a hat and I'm never sure when these explosions will happen. I have been called all sorts of names and had some pretty horrible things said to me. Some to me with the children around and others just to the children. I know that this is not him, but it is really hard to deal with.

This has been going on for so long now that I don't think either of us are the same person we were. Since he left, he rarely speaks to me. He is only just starting to offer to have the children, although says that he doesn't want to take them because I will be alone and he doesn't want me to find anyone else. I have told him countless times that I am not even interested but he just doesn't seem to listen. When he does speak to me, he expects sex and when I say no, it will spark an explosion. I have tried explaining that I need to feel valued and wanted before anything else. It doesn't help.

I am at the point where I have tried so hard for so long and as much as I love him, I don't know that I can try anymore. It is so physical and mentally draining. The children have also been much happier since as I think that the stress within the house has become less and they are not worried about what might or might not happen next.

I miss what we had and miss the idea of what it means to be with him and I suppose I am hoping that one day we will get that back. I don't feel that we will though as we are so different now.

Thank you for your replies.

Carmela · ‎01-07-2016

Hi, we all come to a point where we cannot keep going. The abuse in whatever form it comes in saps our energy where we start to question our self-worth and self-esteem. As l said in my previous post to you, it is ok to admit that enough is enough and that you deserve better - because you do. I feel from your reply that you have thought a lot about your position and know what needs to happen.

I wish you every happiness in whatever path you follow and know that you have done the best you can in difficult circumstances.

Please reach out to BB at any time, as we are always here to help and hear your words when times are tough.

Blessing you and your children - Carmela

Need_a_holiday_ · ‎31-07-2016

Whilst I thought we may have had a chance of trying to work things out, I'm now thinking otherwise. The verbal cause is now worse than when we were living together. He is still lying to me but blames me for snooping if I find out. We still have lots of common friends who we both see and talk to. I'm lonely and sick of being made to feel like this. I'm thinking it might be easier to try to get him to move back in. The lying will probably continue but the hurtful words were never this bad when we were together. I really miss the wonderful man and father that he was. It breaks my heart that our son has told me he does not want his father here because he's sick of always being yelled at. I have felt stuck over the last few years but I feel even worse now. I'm sick of breaking into tears around my kids. I can see how much it upsets them. Any suggestions on how I could handle this? I'm not seeing my counselor anymore as I can't afford it. I thought I would try here first!

Carmela · ‎01-08-2016

Hi and welcome back. I feel you need to reread your original post and get back to that place and time when you wrote it. Your children have also communicated with you that they are happier when he is not around.

Listen to your heart. From what you have written, it is crying out to be released from your husband's unacceptable behaviour. He has made assumptions about counselling and blames you for his pain. It is easy to pass the buck and not take responsibility. His anxiety is not yours to manage or fix. He alone can do this. Your responsibility now is for you and the children. You will revisit the same hurt and pain.

Sometimes life demands we find our courage and inner power to be who and what we need to be. Tough decisions have to be made to change our circumstances so we don't replay the same damaged story over and over. You can make these decisions to preserve your life and that of your children. It will not be easy but you will gain so much. Trust your inner voice, breathe and make decisions with clarity. You can do this and push forward. You have a choice to listen to his hurtful words or move on.

I have been married twice. I sought counselling around the ongoing issues l faced supporting my first husband who was emotionally abuse and blamed me for his mental illness. After 7 sessions with the counsellor she asked me - 'do you want to be in this position 5 years from now?'. I was tired, worn out, angry, crying myself to sleep and on the cusp of depression. My answer was absolutely not, and so that day l took the necessary steps to free myself from his emotional stranglehold.

I apologise if l seem a little direct and blunt. Please don't take it as an aggressive reply but one where l want you to find your inner power and be who and where you need to be. We all deserve peace and happiness in your life. Don't sacrifice this for another who does not respect you and treat you with care and love.

Need_a_holiday_ · ‎03-08-2016

Thank you Carmela. I certainly did not read your post as aggressive. Probably quite the opposite. As I was reading it, I had light bulbs going off. When I got to the section about your first husband, I asked myself the same question. I have had all of those same emotions. I don't want to be in this position tomorrow, next year or in five years time. I have the most awesome children who need their happy mum and I can't be her around him anymore.

I am usually such a strong person but when it comes to dealing with my husband I fall to pieces. I have made some really good decisions for myself and my kids over the last few months. I have even had people commenting on how good I look, how happy I look etc. I just need to walk away now. I have giving up on anything but I think I need to give up on this to start again. One door closes as another opens and all that!

Thank you Carmela.