'I am Sorry' Overkill

[blondguy]

Hey everyone and new posters too!....I need your help...understanding...and advice..

I have a close friend who is suffering with depression and increasing anxiety. She is in her late 40's and has been a company director for years until her marriage fell apart a few years ago. To avoid paragraphs which can be hard work to read for anyone I will use bullet points..

• Every time I help her she apologises...over and over...
• She has chronic post operative pain after a gall bladder removal...(5 years ago)
• depression and anxiety have exacerbated since her operation...(on AD's...for 4 years)
• she is caring for her mum who is only in her 60's who is frail after a botched brain operation...
• I think she is a 'people pleaser'...strict catholic upbringing...nuns with big sticks..etc..

I have gently mentioned many times to my friend to stop apologising to me when I help her with anything...I just need some advice....Is the continual apologizing a sense of low self worth?....Or very low self esteem? I am stuck.

I am a great care giver who can work wonders but I am lost on this one. I am currently looking after six people on a face to face basis...(not on the forums)...but the continual apologizing during any conversations is taking its toll on me.

What do I do when someone I care about keeps apologizing to me all the time? Any understanding/advice would be greatly appreciated 🙂

Thankyou for reading my post 🙂 Any new posters are very welcome to help too!

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Moonstruck]

Hello again BlondGuy . I believe you are dealing with a lot of your own right now, so don't expect you to drop everything to reply (but it's always enlightening and encouraging to hear from you)

as u know I ran into my old friend in a public place, with whom I ended our association due to his excessive, weird (some would say quite sick) demands and fantasy rituals....and began regretting my decision as he was pleasant decent company, leaving me feel guilty, that I had "let him down".

I went away last weekend and out of the blue he rang offering a lift to the airport (as he has done in the past) I accepted as I certainly needed a lift - it is quite a distance - again he was pleasant friendly and I felt enormous relief that possibly we could continue to be acquaintances who occasionally caught up with each other, not lose touch altogether.

I hate "losing people" who were important in my life and despite his "problems" is basically a kind decent human being - it was like a huge weight had been lifted that there was no bad feeling on his part.

He returned something of mine yesterday (it was not important) and while very nice, said he found it "disturbing and quite uncomfortable" being around me now....and asked that we try not to "run into each other again" as it was very hard to handle whenever he saw me.

I feel really bad that I have lost an entire friendship because of my not being able to tolerate his OCD and Aspergers-type symptoms which were not noticeable to others - only to me in private. Perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps they were harmless.

If he could have been happy without my participating in the OCD rituals which had taken on a sexual sadistic aspect.....(I had to repeat certain lines, say the same words each time we were together alone etc) if he could have given all that up - I could have coped OK with the friendship continuing. he admitted he would have found it a big problem to stop the behaviour or controlling the desire to perform the rituals.

Was there anything else I could have done? I am beating myself up that I have done the right thing.....I can't bear "losing people" from my life. Have I thrown a good friend away because he has a mental quirk?I feel I have stuffed up......again!!

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Moon,

I think you should describe the relationship to your psych for an opinion. I think you made the right choice because it seemed to me it was making you feel I unsafe and was gradually increasing in intensity. Is your appointment tomorrow?

[Moonstruck]

Thanks Lost Girl......I discussed the situation on my very first appt. as it was a significant trigger in my recent escalation of anxiety, stress and panic.....she was very encouraging and recognised what I was talking about re his behaviour quirks straight away. She seemed to agree it was standing out like a beacon that for my own peace of mind I had to make at least some sort of break. She has been with me the whole way through - when I told him, how he took it, how I was feeling afterwards etc.

I seemed to be adjusting so well to the situation - and secure in my decision, busy with other aspects of my life etc she didn't need to see me until I returned from my specialist Brisbane appt....I see her this Monday, so she hasn't heard about my very recent interaction with him - and how confused it has left me! Guess I will have a lot to tell her on Monday - poor woman!

At least according to my Specialist, physically I am "very stable" - all my bodily organs are doing quite well......as for my head and my heart....well...that's a different story!.............I'll be OK - so glad I have you all to talk to...x

[Lost_Girl]

Hi Moon,

Physically well is great news. I think our hearts suffer with any changes in friendships. I think your psych will just confirm what you already know but hopefully will give you some strategies with coping with it better.

I imagine this guys need to make a full break is because he loves you. You have most likely done the right thing for both of you long term.

Hugs xx