who am i

[sleeperagent]

• Psychologists think DID
• Psychiatrists as well as my Pysch Team think PTSD
• I think Paranoid Psychosis

In the past I was diagnosed with Autism, that's the only problem I had growing up, which is what everyone thought. I was a quiet child according to my family, anxious though too. Randomly in my life, something just went wrong. I feel guilty about my past, like I was a bad person, and just now everyone is texting each other to try and humiliate me and ruin my life. I haven't been going out for months, I only go outside to drive around now, but its only about 30 minutes a day because the sky gets crushed and gets overwhelming textures, also doesn't help when my ears start piercing with loud white noise kinda like a vhs ambience with minds controlling beeping.

What am I?

 I need to leave this world‌, I don't care anymore about my life, I don't want to make my parents sad but I really can't be here. Eating? Forget it, the company making food is weirding me out and doing something to it, I only cook now, but I still get suspicious when I see little specks or rashes in my food. This life is so hard, I have a headache right now and its really killing all vibes I had left. This is so stupid, all of it.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I'm sorry you are feeling the way you do.

I have been told only last month, at 68yo, that I'm likely on the high functioning Asperger's spectrum. I was told bipolar in 2009 and ADHD before that with a misdiagnosis, but likely some present. At the end of the day, in our situations we are best not to focus on who diagnosed what, rather how can we survive in this world the best way.

At some point with people intrusion, we are best to cut ties. Us type cant tolerate toxic people and for the last decade I've taken the extraordinary step of cutting ties with anyone that doesnt share my values  of kindness and empathy. That is a huge percentage of humans.

So, birds of a feather flock together right? that being so, find your own, here to discuss difficulties, small help groups and if professionals arent hitting the mark with their insights- change to new ones. This tuning of your life can make wonders.

I have some threads for a read. Please read the first post only. Then I'd like to chat more, I'm here nearly every day.

 https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical/td-p/47...

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/protection-against-doom-and-gloom/td-p/549245

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-labyrinth-of-friendships/td-p/204452

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/tolerating-people/td-p/357900

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Hi sleeperagent,  

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. We can hear how tough things have been recently, we’re so sorry that’s been going on.  We wanted to reach out to make sure you're ok and to provide some resources for those times when it all feels like too much.  

We know you've probably heard of these resources before but please know that you are not alone with these feelings. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There are also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.   It sounds like it would be a really good time to update the GP on how you’re going, especially since you’ve been having thoughts about suicide.  If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).   

You mentioned you’ve experienced difficulties in the past growing up. Is there anything that helped you through that time that you could consider drawing on today? Was it a good counsellor or mental health professional? Or was something suggested in a suicide safety plan, like sharing your feelings with a close friend or relative? Or was it something you were doing like exercise or creativity that distracts you and gives you some purpose? We’d love to hear if there’s anything coming to mind. 

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you.   

Kind regards,   

Sophie M 

[sleeperagent]

Hey, thank you so much for the support as well as resources. I will check them out when I get the time 🙂

Thank you, and yes, very good idea cutting toxic people off. I get very worried that sometimes they wanna hangout to lure me somewhere to kill me in the quiet, but I guess they could also do it in the street because no one would care, they're all in on it. Cruel world but it is what it is, I hope you're doing good too! Thank you!

[sleeperagent]

Hey Sophie, thank you for the reply.

With coping when younger, I actually have no memories of when I was young, or even yesterday, just trying to piece together my life by what my family and long friends say I act like. Thank you!