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Feeling worthless and losing control

jumpyjellyfish-
Community Member

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

226 Replies 226

Thank you, you too xx

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

I get where you're coming from regarding behaviour. There are some behaviours I just can't seem to shake (more so bad habits). I found a lot of my behaviours that I managed to change are ones that were conditioned into me, without me even realising. Give you an example of one of society's highly questionable conditions: Respect authority/do as you're told, without question. When I was a girl (long time ago), there's no way you could question a teacher who was fiercely degrading a student in front of everyone. Why should we not question, 'Why are you so fiercely degrading that person? Why are you being so cruel?' Why should the whole class not be upstanding for that student? We are conditioned not to stand up. Kind of messed up when you think about it.

Another form of conditioning may involve suppressing feelings/emotion. Personally, once I let go of this form of conditioning I found my feelings to be of great guidance in my life. All feelings exist for a reason. If you can't work out the reason, you at least come to know that finding someone who can help you discover reason/s is the way to go. So the quest becomes about finding the right guidance. You'll know when you haven't found the right guidance because you'll continue feeling the same way, still without knowing why. The wrong guidance, in my opinion, is heard in advice like 'You'll be right, you just need to get on with things' or 'You're too analytical, you need to stop thinking so much'. JJ, I can analyse the hell out of things/challenges sometimes and I know exactly why I do it. I suppose you could say it's so I can find my heaven.

Do you think one of your challenges at the moment involves challenging your mum to really hear you, to hear what you're saying in regard to the fact you're struggling to make sense of life and your connection to it? Do you think something like 'Mum, to be honest with you, I'm not coping well at the moment and I really need some serious guidance, more than I think you realise' could do the trick in getting her on board?

I think the more we come to understand our self the more conscious we become of the challenges to let go of certain conditions. I think, sometimes, this is the hardest part, letting go of the conditions that have come to define us, give us our identity and direction in a way. It's like we've been given a map to follow in our life, with all those conditions guiding us. Letting go means finding a new map, a new form of guidance.

🙂

Thanks for your kind words therising I appreciate it.

Sorry for the late response I just haven't really been able to put anything to words.

Mum said something about going to the GP for a mental health care plan which is good news.

Not been enjoying school - I hate my lunch breaks with friends who are very different to me and don't wanna do anything and schoolwork seems impossible. My teacher who I've barely had for a week came up to me in class and asked if I was ok. I said 'I don't know' then quickly followed up with 'yep'... I realised how not ok I was as soon as she left I was close to tears...

I just don't have the motivation to do anything or care.

Hey jumpy jellfish, nice to hear from you.

No need to apologise about the late replies, we understand you're dealing with a lot and other things to do and need time, that's perfectly ok.

Hopefully you can get a good GP and a good MHCP, with a good professional too, best of luck with that.

That was nice of the teacher asking if you were ok, I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know how you feel, I'm sure others do too.

We're here for you, stay safe.

Thank you xx

jumpyjellyfish-
Community Member

hey everyone, just need to vent honestly.

I'm finding it really hard to get support. I've tried talking to friends but been feeling really isolated from them, and haven't been able to go to the GP yet. I've tried contacting the butterfly foundation a couple of times because my eating has been really screwed the past week especially but they've just told me the same thing every time which is 'just eat regularly throughout the day it helps' (I said I was starving myself until around 4pm daily as compensation for binging in the afternoon) and 'I strongly suggest telling your mum and talking to the GP... which I've already said I was planning on getting professional support. Also tried to contact kids helpline and because my regular counsellor has been sick even though she's back in a couple of days from today just now I was feeling I needed some support. I connected to the chat and was welcomed, and then told that my requested counsellor (you have to say if your a regular on the initial survey) was available on Saturday... she offered for me to talk today but then immediately said that it was 'easier to talk to the same counsellor everytime'... what exactly was I meant to do. Just sick of it, felt really alone today at school and at home I spend most of the time in my room so that's not much different... I don't know what I should do.

Self harmed earlier on tonight, not that it was bad but I had no remorse at all; it made me feel better. I don't really care at this point.

Hi jumpy jellyfish,

We're so sorry to hear that you have felt isolated today and have not been able to receive the help that you need. We are also really sorry to hear that you had the need to self harm this evening. We can only imagine how difficult it must be for you to want to seek support and be left alone with your struggles to deal with. Please know our community is here for you and we are also getting in touch with you privately with extra support to help you through this difficult time.

We would also really encouage you to reach out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) during overwhelming moments like these - you never have to go through this alone.

Keep reaching out to the community whenever you are up to it. We are always here for you and you are always welcome here.
 


 

Thanks Sophie_M...

Hey jumpy jellfish.

I'm really sorry you SH'ed, I wish I could give you a hug. The KHL people should've still talked to you whether it's your regular counsellor not, you have the right to still speak to somebody, especially if you're suicidal. I've only talked to Butterfly Foundation once before.

We're here for you, maybe you could try contacting Lifeline? They're usually good & short wait times. They don't rush you either, well not with me they haven't.

Or eHeadspace even?

Hi mb20lover,

Thanks, a hug would be nice right now sending you a virtual hug right now too 💜

It was a bit off putting, she seemed nice otherwise the KHL counsellor but I've been pretty sensitive to what people say so hearing that was definitely something that put me off, as it would have anyways.

I've talked to lifeline a couple of times and they've been good, I might do that later on this evening... see how I feel.