Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

hey all, it's been a while 🙂

I don't really know what I want to say but it's really tough atm going thru the early stages of eating disorder recovery and all the other stuff going on. I've been self harming more often recently because I feel really out of control (something which I've been trying to get more confident talking about to my psych) and I've been having some, difficult thoughts I guess is a way to put it.

I read back over the last couple of posts and I still resonates with feeling out of control because of all the different people involved in, well, everything. The anxiety in my head goes crazy and I don't know how to stop it. Especially with having appointments once or twice a week whether that's with my GP (new one who specialises in eds) or my psychologist (although that is less daunting because I've gotten pretty comfortable opening up to her with most stuff).

At the same time I've been feeling hopeless sometimes and just wanting to disappear... I don't really understand why but I just get sick of feeling overwhelmed and not feeling happy that often I guess.That being said I've been feeling less low then I was a couple months ago - some of which is to do with actually getting proper help with nutritional stuff like vitamin b, iron and zinc cus I know that plays into mood.

I feel like this was a little all over the place but tbh that's kinda how I'm feeling atm. I don't really know what to think or feel.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Jumpy Jellyfish,
 
Thank you for writing on here tonight and letting us know how things have been for you recently. It’s really great to see you back here and reaching out for support. It sounds like you have been having quite a tough time recently and things have felt a bit out of control. But it also sounds like somethings have been improving with you feeling like you can open up more to your psychologist and having a GP that specializes in eating disorders.
 
If you ever feel like things are getting overwhelming or you may act upon some of these thoughts that you have been having, we encourage you to reach out for support. Even just to talk to someone about how you’ve been feeling. Our friends at kids helpline are a great option for support for young persons. You can contact them here at 1800 55 1800 or on their webchat here https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling - Both services are 24/7.
 
Otherwise our Beyond Blue Support Service are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport .
 
We appreciate you and what you bring to our community, we hope you keep us updated as to how you are doing in the near future.
 

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

Life would definitely be much easier if we had someone reliable to turn to in questioning our feelings and were given clear and immediate answers. With so much focus given to physical aspects in life (how our body's functioning and how our chemistry is behaving) and the mental aspects in life (how we think/process things), I believe emotional intelligence doesn't quite receive the same attention at times. I wish someone had said to me much earlier in life 'There are 764 different feelings for people to experience. The challenge is to identify as many as possible'. Of course that number (764) is an exaggeration. Just want to make it clear that there are far more feelings to experience which go beyond the basic ones we imagine.

What does 'progress' feel like? At times does it feel subtle? For example, even though you don't feel high, you may not feel as low (such as with what you've expressed). Does it feel non existent at times, even though it's possibly still there? Does it feel exhausting and incredibly challenging at times? Does it feel confusing? Does it feel like some sort of cycle? Is it the kind of cycle that doesn't just go 'round and 'round but it feels like it's graduating up in a way as it goes 'round? Does progress feel stressful? Does it lead you to feel confrontation? Does it push you to find feelings of courage?

While there are so many feelings that can come with progress, what does an overall sense of progress feel like? In your case, does it feel fast or slow? Does it feel like it's moving at a snail's pace, which can lead to the feelings that can come with frustration? Are you desperate for some mind altering epiphany so you can really feel progress in an intense and energising way?

The topic of 'Emotional intelligence' is a seriously interesting one and well worth researching. It is said that an emotionally intelligent person is skilled in four areas: identifying emotions, using emotions, understanding emotions, and regulating emotions. Seeing most people's parents or guides in life don't hand down such skillfulness, it becomes a matter of finding resources for our self in the way of skill development.

People typically don't tell us that progress feels horrible or uncomfortable at times. They don't tell us that as we're moving forward across unknown territory, progress can feel terrifying or fearful. Progress is often portrayed as some wonderful thing that feels great.

What does progress feel like for you?

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Progress definitely feels like an uphill battle. I guess I wish I could feel better quicker but I know it's not that simple although it is annoying. I get frustrated especially because my anxiety makes progress so much more difficult because I have to overcome that to slowly work through the tough stuff underneath that which makes everything take even longer. it's also hard because every ounce of the eating disorder I'm trying to conquer doesn't want me to get better. I achieved something last night in my appointment with my psych tho. she helped me decide we needed to get rid of our scales as that would benefit my recovery. she told me I had to be the one to tell my mum and I was really anxious so I wrote it down on her whiteboard but I still said it and it felt so empowering.

also, it's like 2:40 and I woke up before to my mum and dad talking about me tho and I feel kinda terrible because mum especially keeps questioning and criticising stuff my psych is doing or saying which is hard to listen to her say that stuff when I've finally found someone I can open up to.

my parents also are against medication which my psych has brought up as an option to and that she might mention it to my GP AS AN OPTION because my anxiety is making everything so much harder than it needs to be. they think that just because I'm open to it that I'm not aware of the side effects and all that. no way I can tell them otherwise this because well I'm too scared to.

one more thing they said was about the fact that I never talk to them and I shut down when mum comes in the room at psych and that's weird apparently or 'shouldnt happen'. but I really want to tell my mum that ever since I was about an 8yo and was complaining about a bruised knee or smth and she once told me that 'I couldn't come to her about every injury' I've since found it really hard to form to her about physical pain let alone mental. I can't talk to dad either cus when they were both fighting badly a while back (like sounded like verge of divorce kind of thing) my dad said some stuff I found very insensitive constantly so why would I talk to him even if he does care.

I just feel really invalidated and upset. I don't know what to do about it because I want to say something but I'm not sure if I can bring myself to. all I know is I cant sit with feeling like this and not do anything about it.

[therising]

Hi jumpy jellyfish 🙂

So glad you can sense progress, even if it's slight. Sounds like your psych is making a positive difference in your life. Such a relief when we find someone who can make a difference.

Parents are definitely quirky. Being a parent myself, I can tell you we're a mixture of things. We're a mix of our own life experience, the parenting examples our parents raised us with (not all good), some of the expectations of society (some which are seriously questionable), our limited understanding of human nature (mind, body and spirit), our experience in having raised our child up to a point, perhaps a little bit of instinct or intuition and the list goes on. When a new way of parenting or guidance is suggested to us, we may question it for a variety of reasons. The most common reason comes down to making better sense of things. Perhaps your mum is questioning - Does it make sense to give you anti anxiety meds? Does it make sense to allow you to shut down when she enters the room during your appointments? Everyone's going to have a difference opinion on what makes the most sense.

Regarding the medication: The right one can be like a godsend. The wrong one can feel like a curse. The right one can allow you to turn the volume down on the kind of energy that comes with anxiety. The wrong one can turn the energy down so low that it feels like you've got no energy at all, which can become depressing. The right one can give you the freedom to think clearly while making better sense of things without having to feel everything you're thinking. The wrong one can lead you to feel completely detached from your feelings. From your mum's perspective, she doesn't want you taking the wrong one. Perhaps she's also of the opinion that feelings are natural, it just takes time to work them out. From your psych's perspective, she's only interested in the right one which, with short term use, will speed up the process. Perhaps they could negotiate when it comes to a plan.

Parents can be absolute shockers when it comes to expressing themselves. I've told my 16 and 18yo 'Feel free to question anything I say that sounds insane or insensitive'. It can be challenging to hear the feedback but it's feedback I grow through. It will be challenging for your mum to hear what you have to say but it will be her chance to become more conscious and grow through that. You're one of her teachers in life. Without my kids, I would not have eliminated so many faults in myself.

🙂

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Yeah, I understand where she's coming from a bit more now with everything I think in the moment I was just annoyed and confused about everything tbh.

I'm finding it really hard feeling pushed too much honestly by my psychologist, mum and dad and gp. Everyone focuses on stopping unhealthy behaviours but there's a point where it's just miserable because my thoughts get too much. Being really overwhelmed has also worsened my self harm and brought back suicidal thoughts (I'm safe). It just makes me want to disappear not knowing how to manage it all and the fact that I know it's sometimes uncomfortable getting over unhelpful things but I can't do this and I know I should say something about it I guess it's just difficult to get the words out.

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-]
 
Thank you for keeping us updated and letting us know that you're safe. We are sorry to hear that you are feeling so overwhelmed at the moment. We understand this must be so difficult for you, especially as it has worsened your suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Please know that you never have to go through this alone, and support is always here for you.

We encourage you to reach out for support, even just to talk through some of your feelings. Our Beyond Blue Support Service are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport .

Or alternatively, our friends at kids helpline are a great option for support for young persons. You can contact them here at 1800 55 1800 or on their webchat here https://kidshelpline.com.au/get-help/webchat-counselling - Both services are 24/7.

Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to i.