my suicidal thoughts

[penguin7676]

Hi.

I have anxiety and depression. I have many days where I feel empty. I think about dying. I always consider it a solution. I have many thoughts I would hate my parents to know about.

I try to come up with a plan to kill myself. I've never told anyone. I lied to my GP when they asked if I ever had suicidal thoughts. I hate myself.

But I know I can't kill myself. I have a nine year old sister. I need to be there on her first day of high school, her graduation day, her wedding day (if she wants to get married). My Mum needs me. Shes my best friend. My Dad needs me, even if he doesn't show it.

I may not want to live. But there are people that still need me.

When it gets really bad, I make sure I'm not alone. I'll have a snack even if I'm not hungry, and I will watch a easy movie with whoever is in the living room. (one that will entertain me but not talk about death)

I guess I just kinda want some advice. Feel free to talk about your own experiences with suicidal thoughts in this thread.

[Sophie_M]

Hi penguin7676,

We are sorry to hear that you are going through so much and that you want to kill yourself.  We have contacted you privately to offer support.

It must be so difficult to have to deal with so much in your life and think that you can tell anyone about what you're going through. 

If you feel it may be helpful, you are always welcome to get in touch with Kids Helpline. They are a confidential and anonymous, telephone and online counselling service specifically for young people aged 25 and under.  

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals. 

We are here to support you and you do not have be alone dealing with this.  Please continue to use the support of this community and please reach out for support.  You matter and the people around you need you.

[Croix]

Dear Penguin7676~

Welcome here, I'm glad you met Sophie_M who has a lot of sense, her suggestions are good ones.

You are not alone in hiding your suicidal thoughts, I was the same, and left the matter too long. I eventually got to the stage where I believed my family would be better off without me, then I tried to take my life although that did not work.

When I did tell someone, a family member, it came as a surprising relief, I was not completely alone and had fresh thoughts offered me, not just my own spiraling ever darker.

Can I suggest you do talk things over with your doctor? No not easy, in fact frightening, but you cannot get the right support if all the problems are not known. If you need to write it all down and share the paper - I've done that and it is easier.

It might be easier to start with a family member, do you think there is one who cares, will listen and react sensibly without going over the top?

I do have another suggestion, and that is a proper Saftey Plan, the one I use is free, fits on a smartphone and can be found here

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

You reach for it when feeling frightened of what you might do or feeling overwhelmed. It takes no thinking to grab it.

You do fill it out before hand, and that is not just the sorts of things you might expect, like emergency numbers and doctor's names. Mine has a great many things listed there I enjoy -or have in the past, and things that might give me a lift, from You-Tube videos of my favorite comedian though to music, even books.

I did not find this list easy to make, as I was particularly bad at remembering what had made me feel good. Fortunately I did it with another, the family member I told you about, and their memory was a lot better than mine.

It can be a help, together with the things you are wise enough to do now, company, distraction and something to eat you like. Simple things, but they help the moment to pass.

So what do you think?

Croix

[penguin7676]

Hi, thanks for replying to the post I made about 3 months ago. I have since downloaded BeyondNow, and have found it helps a bit. I am not ready yet to tell my family though, as much as I know I should, but I hope I will have the strength to soon. Thank you again for replying to my post and for sharing your experience with me.

[Croix]

Dear Penguin7676~

I'm really pleased to hear from you again. When I read your first post I though you were pretty sensible about what you did when you felt suicidal. Now I'm glad you have added BeyondNow to the things you can do.

Do you mind if I mention a couple of things that made it more useful for me?

The first -and this is a hard one in your situation- is if you can get someone that knows you well to help by remembering all the things they have seen made you happy, or gave you a lift, in the past. I found this very difficult to do for myself, my mind tended to concentrate on the bleak side of life.

The second is BeyondNow is not a thing you just fill in once only. You change the content whenever you think appropriate -for example if you hear the song "We Gotta Get Out of The Place" (yes, I know it will be something more recent for you I expect) then you add it in.

Actually it is good to be very specific, not just "listen to music" but a list of individual songs by your favorite singers, that way no thinking or choosing needed, anything you have already picked will be good.

Same applies to books, movies, places, people and all the rest.

Being alone with suicidal thoughts is the hardest way to be, that isolation puts you further away from the world - or so I found. Just being with others is OK, but the real lift comes when someone knows and cares.

I know you do not want your family to know -or your doctor. Would you like to say why that is, the things that are holding you back?

Particularly with a doctor thay are not liable to panic and overreact, and if you have been asked before if you had suicidal thoughts (and said no) then the doctor must have thought there was a possibility - but did not overreact then.

Like you I was not straight with anyone at all, and that went on for far too long, and I became harder to treat (though I'm good now)

Looking back I can't say my reasons not to tell my doctor were good ones. Not telling at work I still understand, but not my reluctance with my doctor, I was sort of deliberately stopping myself from getting help

Does that make sense?

Anyway I'm glad you came back

Croix