Feeling worthless and losing control

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Just saying a quick hello before I go on, I'm new to these forums hoping to become a part of this community.

Basically I've felt myself really struggling with the effects of low self-esteem lately on me and feeling really worthless. I've always had fairly low self-esteem in relation to my image since I was really young but I used to at least be happy about my abilities and was overall fairly positive.

This year however - and especially the past couple of months - I've habitually been excessively judgemental of myself and been practicing some unhealthy coping mechanisms. I've been constantly picking out all my flaws like saying to myself I'm ugly and that I'm no good at the sports I play and that no one prioritises their friendships with me because they don't care about me (because honestly that's what has been happening recently). Over the past couple of months I've been at a constant all time low where I don't seem to feel happy much and I'm constantly distracted by the fact that I feel terrible.

It feels like I'm out of control and I hate the feeling, but I've discovered to regain control I distort my eating patterns to starve myself in the mornings up until after school where I can't handle it and I end up bingeing. It sickens me every day that I can't control myself in that way but I know I've gotten into a brutal cycle and it feels like it will only stop when I learn to have control over my eating, only to starve myself all day. I also started self harming about a month ago, but I stopped that about a week ago and even though its been tempting I'm so far resisting the urge.

I've been regularly in contact with a counsellor from kids helpline over the past month and a half and its been helpful but I'm still struggling to find the worth in being resilient when I can't even find it in myself. I feel really down all the time and I'm tempted to just follow my emotionally unstable thoughts and not try to fix stuff because I'm on my own anyway (well that's what it feels like) but I'm at a dilemma in my head between giving up and me 'logically' knowing that I need to fix something. That being said, the fact that I understand that makes me seem like I've got myself sorted even though I don't and it puts me off seeking help further (in person). I want help but I feel like my problems aren't big enough and I'm scared of being judged even though I know it will be to the contrary but I really struggle to accept it when people actually say that I am deserving.

[Sophie_M]

Hey jumpy jellyfish,

Wishing you a warm welcome to the forums, we are so glad that you decided to join us here tonight and share your journey with us. We're so sorry to hear that things have been really difficult for you for quite some time now, but especially during the past couple of months. Having these negative thoughts about yourself must be so tough to cope with, and we are sorry to hear that this has affected your eating patterns, and that you've been harming yourself. However, it sounds like you've taken some great steps in finding support for yourself, including regular contact with the counsellors at Kids Helpline. You've also done a really important thing here tonight in reaching out to the forums, and our caring community are also here to help offer as much support, advice and conversation to help you through this difficult time.

We'd also encourage you to reach out to our friends at Headspace, which is an organisation specifically for young people aged 12-25 who offer a wide range of services including group programs which are a great opportunity to meet people. You might also like to reach out to our friendly Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat (1pm-12am AEST) on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport Our friends at the Butterfly Foundation are also another great option- and they have a webchat and a hotline available to you: https://butterfly.org.au/get-support/helpline/

We hope that you keep checking back in and let us know how you are going when you feel up to it. We're all here for you.
 

[tranzcrybe]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-],

Thank you for your candid appraisal of your present difficulties and welcome to the forums.

I am sorry you are struggling with self identity and find yourself resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms. A side effect of growing up is that we can become very sensitive to the opinions of others (whether said or inferred, gestured or imagined). Have you received any disparaging comments lately to sink you into this current negativity?

You mentioned not being good at sport - do you need to be? As long as you benefit from the experience, participate in the right spirit, and feel the camaraderie of team play, is there any more you could ask? Again, thoughtless or insensitive comments from others can be taken too readily to heart - any instances for you?

Regarding friendships, our unique qualities make some of us seem 'approachable' whereas others appear 'aloof' - only until a need arises where those skills come to the fore. I guess just being there to help someone in need will be the beginnings of strong friendships (but keeping away will have the opposite effect - a vicious cycle indeed).

Regarding your looks... I haven't a clue, and strangely enough, neither do you! Although we can 'image' ourselves on perceived appearance (hair, makeup, fashion), we can never really know what makes us 'attractive' to another person. Essentially, it is what lies beneath and this is often beyond the comprehension or control of the individual - you are uniquely you: personal traits, quirks, and mannerisms of not just what others see but also how you impress yourself upon those around you. In fact, what the eye sees has very little to do with true beauty - it's more a case of what you do in the lives of others.

I am concerned for you skipping meals - your body needs fuel to think straight. Is there any way I could convince you otherwise in your methods?

I hope you continue to participate in the conversation as you write with confidence and clarity of mind.

Regards,

t.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey tranzcrybe, thanks for responding

Thankfully I haven't really received any nasty derogatory comments to be honest on my appearance, it's just something which I seem to assume people judge me on. In regards to sports I get what you're saying but I'm also a high schooler who plays a lot of sport and there's a lot of internal and external pressure to do well, plus I enjoy it so it kinda sucks to see myself as bad at what I enjoy (whether that's actually true or not in other's view I am unsure of).

I appreciate your concern in regards to my eating habits but it isn't something that I feel can heal with kind words or logic because my willpower to keep trying overpowers that, and the assumption eventually I will reach (in my opinion) a successful result rather than continue in an unhealthy cycle. I just feel so trapped in the cycle and I feel as though I need further support but I can't get myself to reach out and again, not matter what people say tome about it and no matter how reassuring they are it's hard to understand that when you aren't thinking straight (as you mentioned in regards to malnourishing your body) especially, you don't want to break out of that vicious cycle just as much as you want to get it out of your life.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Jumpy Jellyfish,

I like playing a bit of sport too, but have never felt pressure beyond not embarrassing myself with my limited skills - it doesn't deter me from playing but I try to lift my game for the benefit of others. I can relate to some people expecting more but it is usually limited to the heat of the contest and this invariably stays on the field once the game is over - and why should it be any other way? You do your best and enjoy the participation, win or lose.

You mentioned overcoming SH. Do you feel that depriving yourself of food not to be a form of harm? How will your internal organs, metabolism, and even sleep patterns be responding to the starve/binge cycles? I'd like to hear your view on what a 'successful result' entails as I don't quite understand and would welcome your views.

From what you've written, I guess you don't have a good line of communication with your parents. Do you think this ties in somehow to your feeling worthless? I'm sure you have covered all this before so whatever you don't want to share is okay with me.

I'm glad to see you are contributing to the forums' other threads and hope you continue to do so for your benefit and for all who read your words of encouragement.

Regards,

t.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hi tranzcrybe,

I don't really want to get into it much but when I say 'successful result' I mean achieving the goal which sent me into the disordered eating I have been experiencing in the first place, and feeling better about my body image. Issue is, to my emotions the only problem with my eating is the binge habit at the end of the day whereas logically it's the whole pattern.

It's true what you say that I don't have a good line of communication with my parents, I find myself feeling very uncomfortable sharing how I'm feeling to anyone even people really close to me.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Jumpy Jellyfish,

That's okay, I understand how this is a personal issue that you feel the need to overcome. You've been working with kid's helpline, but have you also tried the Butterfly Foundation?

Butterfly National Helpline:

• Call 1800 ED HOPE / 1800 33 4673 (8am - midnight AEST / 7 days a week)

Web chat support:

• https://thebutterflyfoundation.org.au/our-services/talk-to-someone/chat-online/

Check the website for more details:

• https://butterfly.org.au/

Regards,

t.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hey tranzcrybe,

Thanks for sharing those resources with me... I've come into contact with them a couple of times now and I think its been helping, I'm trying to veer away from slipping into old habits right now as I fear I may be doing currently after a few days of intuitive eating as was recommended to me to try out.

Haven't responded for a while... I've been pretty overwhelmed to be honest, I broke my 2 week streak of no self-harm over the past 3 days and I've been having suicidal thoughts... currently I don't want to follow through with them but they've been in my mind increasingly often over the past week or so.

It feels so easy just to give up and stop trying to fix my eating and stop trying to prevent myself from self-harming and let my thought reign and I don't know what to do about it...

[Sophie_M]

Hi jumpy jellyfish :-]

We're sorry to hear that you've been feeling so overwhelmed over the past few days. It might be worth reaching out to one of the helplines that you have found helpful in the past. We are reaching out to you privately to offer some extra support in case you need it tonight.

It's important to be gentle with yourself and remember to take things one day at a time. A two week streak is great, and it's still important to recognise that. We hope that you can feel proud of yourself for managing two weeks rather than feeling bad for being overwhelmed the past few days.

You might be interested in our page on "Self harm and self injury". It includes a section on ideas for replacing self harm with something less harmful -  https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/suicide-prevention/feeling-suicidal/self-harm-and-self-injur...

Thanks for reaching out here tonight. It's good to see you've connected with our community, and we hope that this is of some comfort to you in this overwhelming period.

[jumpyjellyfish-]

Hi Sophie_M,

Thanks... it feels good to know there are people who I can connect with who won't judge me, and even if they do I don't need to know and don't find out so that's ok with me.

I know its a good thing to manage that but it just makes me feel bad the fact that I went 14 years without ever feeling the need to self-harm and then over the past 2 months my mental health has just hit an all time low.

I've looked at those strategies before and honestly need to use them a lot more... it's just that when I do self harm it's like I do it compulsively and I don't really think about the alternatives that much... I just quickfire that I have the urge to and either brush it off or do it, nd only when I have no urge / a lesser one do I realise there are better alternatives like the ones you suggested.

I'm getting to responding and I appreciate the additional support I just need to piece together how I feel about it.