I'm really tired.

lovely0711 · ‎13-08-2021

I used to have stage 4 depression a few years ago. I had a therapist as well and she said I had some sort of depression that would fester for a few weeks or months and then I'd feel fine for a long or short period of time. It's been a while since I've felt fine. It's probably the isolation but my anxiety and depression has gotten pretty bad. My coping mechanisms are even worse. I've been self-harming recently, a lot. I've developed a bit of an eating disorder cause I feel nicer when I feel hungry. I can't eat a lot, or at all. My mum's been giving me small portions for dinner and asks if I ate breakfast or lunch. She knows, i think, or she suspects. I've gotten used to lying to her for a long time, I've never really trusted her. It was only us for a long time and she wasn't okay when I was younger, she had ptsd but she's good now I guess, I don't think I trust her though. I had a panic attack a few nights ago on call with my friend cause I ate half a cookie and felt like throwing up. She didn't hear me cry, or she pretended not to, I'm glad. I also haven't slept well in a long, long time. As in go to bed at 12-4 in the morning and wake up at 6-8 in the morning type of stuff. I just can't get to sleep. I've been vaping a lot but I only indulge in that for the feeling. I've stopped before for months or years but it's not that addicting for me. I hadn't vaped in a long time but I got bored during quarantine and it helped the self-harming sometimes. Sometimes it made it worse. I'm not suicidal, promise, but I just like feeling in control when I spiral, feel too much or too little or when I want to feel the little rush when I self-harm. God it's a bad habit, I should really stop. Reading over this makes me see how depressed I really am, it's kind of sad though. I enjoyed this rant it felt kind of nice. But I really want to feel some comfort right now, a hug or a kiss or something to feel a little less lonely. Anyways I'm reaching the word limit so goodbye I guess. Anyone wanna guess what time I sleep tonight? No? Yes? I guess somewhere between 1-2am... We'll see.

Sophie_M · ‎13-08-2021

Hey lovely0711,

Thank you for joining the Beyond Blue forums tonight,

We're sorry to hear about your experiences with depression. We can hear how much suffering you've endured. Please know that you do not have to do this alone. Many in our community have had similar feelings and understand. Hopefully, a few of them will pop by and offer you some words of kindness and advice.

You have mentioned that you have a diagnosis for depression. Can we ask if you are currently receiving mental health support? If not, we would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email as we are worried about you.

Petal22 · ‎14-08-2021

Hi lovely0711,

Wellcome to our forums!

So sorry you have been feeling this way…… it must be difficult for you..

Can I ask if you are receiving any professional help at the moment?

I had severe anxiety OCD, I have now recovered from this condition thanks to the professional help I received….

Sorry you had a panic attack, I understand I too used to have these they are horrible….

Have you learned any strategies for anxiety? I’m happy to share some with you 😊

here to chat

therising · ‎14-08-2021

Hi lovely0711

My heart goes out to you as you face such incredible challenges. I'm glad you felt a little difference from having come here to vent. Venting's good for the soul.

I imagine you'd agree that being highly sensitive means you can feel just about everything. As a blessing, you can feel the highs more than most. As a curse you can feel the lows more than most. You can feel people's words (inspirational or degrading), you can feel people's actions (the expression of love through a hug or the expression of disinterest through them creating distance), you can feel your own energy levels (high or low), you can feel a person's mood, triggering a shift in your own. Being highly sensitive comes with a massive list of feelings which can be sensed.

Do you find, as a 'sensitive' or a 'feeler', you question a lot? Would you say one of the most confusing feelings, often questioned, is 'not feeling anything', aka numbness? Do you ever think 'Why is my ability to feel or sense 'broken'?' Do you find this coincides with exhaustion? Sometimes it might coincide with not putting enough energy in. With the exhaustion, do your thoughts emotionally exhaust you 'til there's no fuel left in the emotional tank? Key energy input typically comes through restorative sleep, food, hydration, solar power (vitamin D), exercise (kinetic energy) and so on. Thoughts can be energising too. I find if I connect with someone inspirational, the kind of wonder this person can generate can become so intense that I can feel myself energised through it. On the other hand, the media brings me down, in many ways.There's complex energy too, such as that which comes with B12 and iron production. Can't hurt to see where your levels are at. From my experience, I can tell you B12 deficiency can seriously mess with your energy levels, big time.

Can't help but wonder why you feel a high not eating. Apparently, fasting generates energy. Thanks Google. Suppose the key is to fast productively, not destructively. Could be worth researching. The self harming sounds sensational. I don't mean sensational as in fantastic, I mean you feel a lot of different sensations through this. There are guided meditations worth researching which generate some pretty intense trippy sensations. This could open up a whole new world of sensations which could replace the self harming. I imagine you'll be able to feel which meditations work and which don't.

Would you say you're an empath? Again, a bit of research here.

🙂

Isabella_ · ‎14-08-2021

Hi lovely0711

Welcome to the forums, thank you for opening up with us. It's a great leap to be open and transparent about what you've been going through, and you'll always find a safe space here to talk and vent free of judgement.

I'm interested to know, how do you feel about using the services suggested by Sophie_M? You mentioned that you used to have a therapist, why did your sessions with them come to an end? How would you feel about taking the step to contact a GP to discuss your depression and anxiety, and how it's been getting worse?

The fact that you are able to recognise that your coping mechanisms are unhealthy, call a friend during your panic attack, and acknowledge the signals that your mental health has become unhealthy is worth more than you know. Your ability to recognise that you use self harm to gain a sense of control when you begin to spiral shows that you're intuitive, and have a good understanding of your mental health. It doesn't take away from the difficulty and may not feel significant to you, but it is such an important step in getting the help you need. It may not be worth much, but I'm proud of you for that, and your ability to share that with us.

You are deserving of care and support, your mental health is so important. Based on what you've written, your mental health very seriously needs to be addressed. No one expects you to go through this on your own, or "get over it". Your experience with mental health and loneliness is valid, and it sounds like you're beginning to realise the severity of your depression, and I hope you take the steps to get the help you need.

I'm here to listen and hope to hear from you.