Lost in this trap

Lookingforlight · ‎16-08-2021

I am new to all of this but not new to this feeling. I keep thinking, I never signed up to any of this, I did not choose to be born. This life is full of what should be and guilt. It’s like no matter how much pushing you do, something will happen. From molestation, sexual assault, losing family, abusive partners, toxic work places. I continue to tick the boxes, I try to move on, my friends and family always comment on my strength to pursue past my cursed life because it’s abnormal the messed up things that happen out of my control. But it’s not strength, it’s all guilt. I cannot burden others with it, depression is a disease but it’s to the point my chest hurts, like there is no more air. I know all the tricks in the book to try and cope, but I’ve used them for years where they have weathered to no affect anymore. I feel like the only reason I am still here is purely from the guilt of hurting those I love. Suicide is almost a seductive fantasy because I don’t know how to escape the shadows of my past or avoid the ones of the future. I feel so selfish asking for help, but the facade is wearing through and the weakness others see in me feels humiliating at the same time. They usually see me with a smile and put together, but now it’s like I can’t sleep but I’m constantly tired, sometimes I can’t keep still or I just shake and someone witnessing it, I just can’t. Lockdown has just amplified everything and I live alone with no visitors. Usually I run to distractions, but even going down stairs to run laundry takes days of accumulating motivation. I know I am loved, I know how hurtful this is for anyone in my life to see, and that’s where it hurts the most because of the guilt, I’ve felt like this for years, over a decade and I’m so tired of pretending that not only I am okay but pretending that I ever wanted this life. I can’t answer when people ask me what I need because I feel like I need a pass to make it acceptable to choose it. I stop myself in every way I can, I make sure I have no plan, and I hold on to that guilt even if it is just threads. I just feel forced into this trap we call life.

Sophie_M · ‎16-08-2021

Hey lookingforlight,

Welcome to our forums and thanks for reaching out here tonight. It's not easy to reach out and you are so brave to do so. We are so sorry you are going through such a hard time right now and dealing with such distressing thoughts and feelings. It must be very tough to be dealing with this on your own. Please know that you are in a safe, non-judgmental place where you can talk about how you are feeling and we hope you will receive the support you need from our wonderful community members.

We are also contacting you privately to offer you support. You are not alone and we are here for you. We wanted to ask if you are getting mental health support at the moment?

If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Please know that in moments of overwhelm, you can also contact our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

You are not alone; the community is here to support you and we are always here to listen.

Aaronsis · ‎16-08-2021

Hey Lookingforlight

Firstly welcome to the forum and secondly, I really like your username..I am so pleased that you are indeed looking for light and hope and maybe a hint that things will get better for you.

You express yourself so very well and you are very aware of the things in your life that lead you to feel the way you do. I am so sorry to read all the things that have happened to you in your life, that is heartbreaking and so much for one person to go through. I see how people would call you strong, would see a smile on your face and think you are coping, or maybe even that you are enjoying life. I also hear you say that you cannot burden others with what you are feeling or thinking or going through...why? Why are you a burden? As you said, you did not choose to be here and you most certainly did not choose for the things in your life to happen to you. You mentioned you are loved and I am so pleased to know that you feel this and you know this...so what would happen if you did confide in one of the people who love you and let them know what it is "really" like for you? Sure, they may not know the answers, they may not know what to do, what they will do is listen, and support you and love you the way you know that they do, and this sometimes is HUGE. To be free of the "stories" that you tell others that you are ok, to be free of carrying around this basket of "guilt" and of pain. Will it make it go away? Nope but it might just make the pain in your chest a little softer. Who knows, they might even just want to hold your hand as you walk through this journey and that too is massive.

You are no burden, as you said, you know you are loved. Love does not have terms or conditions and it means being there through the tough and the ugly as well as the smiles and the joy, let them do that for you, you are worth that to them and to yourself.

I am proud of you to hear that you do stop yourself in anyway that you can, that you don't have a plan and I am even pleased to hear that "guilt is what keeps you here", if there is only that at this point in time that keeps you safe then that is something. You are here and you are wanted and loved.

Lockdown is hard and even more so when you are struggling but I am so pleased you have reached out here today and I am here, to sit and listen if you would like to chat some more. You don't have to pretend here, you can dump whatever you need to....we care so much.

Hugs to you

Sarah xx

Petal22 · ‎16-08-2021

Hi Lookingforlight,

Wellcome to our forums!

So sorry to hear all of the things that have happened to you, that must be so difficult for you….

Don’t be afraid of the dark. The light within you is greater than any darkness…….

I understand the darkness I suffered OCD for a long time but am now free of the condition after the help I received from health professionals……. I did a lot of personal development while I was in therapy and one of the things I learned about myself was it was OK to forgive myself and others for things in the past……… forgiveness isn’t for the person who wronged you it’s for YOU ..if you can forgive you can release so much of that negative energy that is weighing you down…… it’s very freeing………. Forgiveness will set you free and letting go will help you to grow……

The pain, the struggle, the strife all exist in your life to show you who you are and what you are capable of overcoming; it is all a learning tool…..When you see your light within , your beauty, you will see your journey is as unique as you are. You have your own set of gifts and what you bring to the world is something no one else can or will. You are here, AT THIS VERY MOMENT, LIVING AND BREATHING BECAUSE YOU ARE SO VERY NEEDED AND IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW. ❤️

Here to chat to you